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Newest Member: Misty33 (46040)

User Topic: The other cheater in my family
♀ 39193
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My family is small, very small. I have my folks and that's about it. I have one other blood relative, and that is my uncle, my mother's brother. About 12 years ago, he walked out on my aunt for the final time, after many years of alcohol abuse and repeated affairs. He moved in with and promptly married his OW, and they are together to this day.

We were never really close but after that I had little to do with him, just Christmas cards, emails, FB friends etc. By contrast, I've always been close to my aunt, and am now even more so since she's been my #1 support throughout this nightmare.

I'm going to Texas on Thursday to visit my aunt. This has been planned for some time. And now, we've just found out that my uncle has cancer. He is in treatment but obviously the outcome is not guaranteed. He may die.

I had no plans to see him on my trip, but obviously this changes things. I feel that I should see him. He and my aunt still have quite a bit of interaction so we can work with that. Here's the thing...

Neither one of us (me and my aunt) are willing to go anywhere near his OW. I'd really like to see my uncle, even though he's pretty much a stranger to me... but I will not be backed into a corner or manipulated by him into meeting his OW. I feel he may try to do this since he's cut from the same ugly NPD cloth as my X. But this is a line in the sand I feel very strongly about. I have little to say to him, NOTHING to say to her, and meeting her would be devastatingly hurtful to my beloved aunt, who has been AMAZING in her support of me over the last six months.

I'm just wondering if any of you have any thoughts on this mess. Similar experiences, things you think I should consider... any input at all would be welcome. I'm really trying to get my head straight about this before I get down there.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin

Posts: 1048 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
♀ 27071
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I'd continue to enjoy the relationship with the aunt, honoring a woman who was there for you when you needed her. As far as the uncle: if you weren't planning to see him prior to learning he's ill, why is it important now to see him now? I think I'd spend those couple hours doing something fun with my aunt, not honoring the man who ripped her world apart.

BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 537 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
♀ 33129
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I must agree with LIB. Why does the uncertainty of his cancer diagnosis change things for you now?

He could be in a car accident next week... would that idea change your mind too?

He is toxic to you. Spend your time with the one who supports and loves you.

divorced the Dooosh
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.

Posts: 3631 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
♀ 39193
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your responses and for telling me to look at my motivations for seeing him. That is good advice.

I think I am afraid that if I'm right there, in the same city and don't see him, and then he passes away, that I would have some guilt or regret.

I also think if I don't see him, my mother would be disappointed in me. Never an easy thing to bear.

He started chemo yesterday and may be too sick to visit by this weekend anyway. My aunt and I have talked and we are just going to play it by ear. She has never really gotten over him, and I think she's actually glad to have my visit as an excuse to see him. She hasn't seen him since his diagnosis.

Thanks again for the good advice.

Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin

Posts: 1048 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Topic Posts: 4

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