In our state some family courts require this to be attended before a D is granted....I think this bodes well for the intensity and power of this retreat.
If you don't mind...could you please post your experience for those of us considering signing up for it?
God be with you both.
You don't have to share anything with the group at all. If you want you can, but you don't have to. And, really there is only a couple of times that there is a "sharing" time, no pressure.
Most of what you will be doing is very private and just between you and your wife. It really was a fantastic weekend. My FWH (who was doing it for me) had many revelations about himself and found himself way more into the whole process than even I was.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
My FWH seemed nervous and apprehensive, didn't know what he was getting himself into. We aren't religious at all, so there was that aspect that he was concerned about, but the just not knowing what it was going to be like was a concern. But, overall, no he didn't seem to disconnect.
I was a little nervous, too, but more excited. I wouldn't be too concerned on how your WH is feeling right now as long as he doesn't back out.
I don't know if I told my FWH this or not, but I know I thought it. If it was really horrible and I felt that it wasn't for us I knew we could leave. Could your WH be feeling like he maybe trapped?
We aren't religious. There are very few religion undertones and we were very comfortable.
There isn't anything to worry about. I HATE getting attention drawn to me and the Sister is right, they don't ask you to share anything and they know nothing about your story. They only assume your marriage is in trouble. WH was of course nervous and that first night all the couples look tense, but the next morning everyone had settled in.
They have presenting couples that tell their story. And how they tell their stories will be moving. For the most part you sit and listen and reflect. Your reflections are with each other in private.
Even though my emotions were leveling off, I was still mainly in the hurt and negative stage. I was entering R, but I felt we were doomed, but just listening to other couples made my mind start to shift.
Many of us have supportive families and friends, but there is something about strangers who have no idea who you are and no idea what your story is, but they are invested in your marriage. They will tell you more about their marriage then their families and friends know.
We are both in IC and MC and I thought we were making progress, but looking back after this weekend, it would have taken us months and dozens of MC sessions to get us where one weekend of Retrouvaille got us.
I would recommend it for anyone, you don't want to regret that you didn't try it. We turned a corner that weekend, but it is still up to us to keep moving forward.
KiminTexas, maybe your husband is just nervous. Have you told him you think he's disconnecting?
Try to make it to the post sessions too if you can, because they expand on the weekend experience. We recently helped out with post-sessions for a new group of couples and were able to go back and see how far we've come between then and now. My anger and resentment was very apparent then.
it would have taken us months and dozens of MC sessions to get us where one weekend of Retrouvaille got us.
Our DDay was 8/12/13. When do you think is too soon? We spoke to MC and she directed us away for now. But when???
If your wife isn't remorseful or still in affair mindset, it can be hard, but still valuable.
I don't think it's too soon to try. It may be good for you to go before you hit the anger stage (if you've not there yet) because it will give you something solid to build on later when/if things get tougher. If that makes sense.
Depending on where you live you may have to wait months for a Retrouvaille weekend to take place. That will give you more time too. We found it much cheaper in the long run to attend Retrouvaille than MC sessions.
It is a wonderful, introspective, sharing weekend. Lots of writing. Lots of talking with your spouse. Lots of listening (to the presenters and to your spouse). I think MANY couples are leery and anxious going in. They actually have a term --the "Friday Night Couples". There is a very noticeable difference in the couples from Friday to Sunday. Couples that would barely look at each other and seemed seething with anger... later I would see a gentle touch, a kind smile, laughter, some genuine affectionate outreaches to their spouse. Watching the changing body language gave me hope.
You never have to share anything personal with the group. You have a small opportunity if you want it, but there is no pressure at all. Everything is geared toward listening, learning, and applying new communication techniques in private with your spouse.
There is honestly nothing to fear. If you both go in with a somewhat open mind and are willing to talk with each other, you will be fine. The couples that struggled were the ones that were so "done" that they refused to communicate. There's not too much that the presenters can do about that. They are not counselors or professionals - they are simply people who fixed their troubled M's and want to try to help others. Their stories can be profound and make you feel less alone and give you hope for the future...
Enjoy it. It was a wonderful reconnecting weekend for us. We haven't kept up with the "homework" since then, which has certainly led us down a path of less communication now. My advice: Stick with the program! Good luck.
He stayed with a friend last night and said he had a lot to think about and I think I internalize and freak out that "a lot to think about" means I don't love you.
I would always recommend waiting until at least 6 months out to try anything like this with a fully committed spouse, otherwise, it's very intense and might not be a right fit for your situation. At 6 weeks out, you hardly really know what your "situation" truly is.
I hope I'm wrong for your sake.
I didn't get as much from it as my H did, but I've never had a problem with communication. It changed my H's life though, and that's a fact.
I would always recommend waiting until at least 6 months out to try anything like this with a fully committed spouse, otherwise, it's very intense and might not be a right fit for your situation.
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 4:51 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]
He called this morning and I have gotten a few sweet texts from him today.
This is yucky.
My WH came completely clean on dday and focused on doing everything right. We did not have any TT that set us back. He arranged for us to go to Retrouvaille at 2 months out and I know at even 3 months out I was still really hostile. I wasn't sure if I even wanted to R, much less go to Retrouvaille. About 2 weeks before, I finally felt like I could attempt to R.
I would see what dates are available to you, as that may limit when you can go.
To be successful, the A has to be done and NC established. He should also be out of the "fog" and both of you need to be willing to work on the M.
[This message edited by ILINIA at 5:32 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]
We still have A LOT to work through but the man I was married to on Friday is not the one I brought home on Sunday.