Welcome. Let me start of by saying you are not alone.
I went numb for the last few years of that M. Like dead inside. It also happened to be my girls first years (they were 4 and 18m on DD). I still wince when I think of that time and I spend a lot of energy now making amends with myself for that.
I was kind of hit by it at all at once. DD and awakening. It was enormously traumatic.
Have you tried writing down what you're struggling with, specifically? I was in so much of a rage post-DD that I couldn't think straight for several months. I was pissed off that this idiot could bring me to my knees when I had already been through so much worse in my life.
This was not the worst thing that had ever happened to me yet there I was thinking my life was over.
I had an almost pathological fear of being a single mum. I found writing down what my SPECIFIC fears were then testing them against reality really helped me clear the fog.
One thing that kept me in the crazy was contact. I simply could not detach whilst I was still soliciting and being baited into contact. I had to hit rock bottom before I went complete NC. I also fell off the wagon a few times just to make sure. 
It has been around a year now and I feel like a completely different person.
I spent a lot of energy trying not to mourn this. I was pissed off that I had to mourn that douchebag but I did. Underneath the deep humiliation and hurt was the knowledge that it could not have continued without my participation.
I surrendered to it. I accepted that I needed to mourn this and I surrendered to the fact that I would not be where I was without my toxic FOO coping mechanisms.
I couldn't change the past but my present and future were in my hands. I could ensure *I* never played my part like that again.
Be gentle with yourself. You've had a hell-year after an already hellish journey. You've survived it. Battered and bruised but you are here - you're still fighting. Shine a light on your feelings and name them. You might be surprised by what you discover.
Keep reading. Keep posting. Keep reaching out to friends/family IRL. I largely resisted my support network after the shock faded right up until I hit rock bottom. They have been and are amazing.
((beachbunny)) Its not just time that heals, it is what you do with that time. They say it takes 2-5 years to recover in R. I reckon it is about the same timeline in S/D.
