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bitterbetrayal (original poster member #26326) posted at 12:32 PM on Tuesday, October 8th, 2013
Having been betrayed by my husband, a priest in the Church of England, I had the worst MC possible who did and said all the things first mentioned in this article. If only I had known. Maybe four years on I would still not be in such a state of horror at what my WH did! http://www.davidclarkeseminars.com/apps/articles/?columnid=508&articleid=3813
[This message edited by bitterbetrayal at 6:32 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]
Me. BS 52 at the time
Him.WS 52 at the time and a priest!
D-DAY 12/07/09.
Married 25 years at the time.
Two children 20 and 22 at the time.
rachelc ( member #30314) posted at 12:39 PM on Tuesday, October 8th, 2013
painpaingoaway ( member #27196) posted at 1:04 PM on Tuesday, October 8th, 2013
Yes yes yes yes YES! Fantastic article!
BB I'm so glad you stumbled upon this article. How did your H react to it?
It sounds like this pastor has been here on SI. Maybe he himself has been betrayed. That's usually what it takes before people 'get it'.
And, I loved this, "This other woman, this tramp", lol.
Thanks for sharing that BB.
D-Day June 2009
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk
topperoff22 ( member #40762) posted at 1:14 PM on Tuesday, October 8th, 2013
Finally!!!! this is where i am at! My counselor makes me feel like I am NOT doing enough! THe marriage counselor that is. My regular counselor is the exact opposite. THis artcle is so right on!
BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month
jjct ( member #17484) posted at 1:16 PM on Tuesday, October 8th, 2013
That's what I thought ppga -
It's what we say here every day, with verses to back it up.
I appreciate how he explained how wrong (most/some?) church-based marital counseling is.
Would that more pastors, priests, and teachers would read that!
Ascendant ( member #38303) posted at 1:19 PM on Tuesday, October 8th, 2013
I am not a Christian, but strip this of most of the c religious aspect, and it's still awesome.
StillGoing ( member #28571) posted at 1:33 PM on Tuesday, October 8th, 2013
^ Agreed, good fundamental message of responsibility and accountability.
ItsaClimb ( member #37107) posted at 1:39 PM on Tuesday, October 8th, 2013
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. If only ALL therapists were forced to do a class with him on "How to Deal with Infidelity"!
BS 52
Together 35 yrs, M 31 years
2 daughters 30yo(married with 2 children) & 25yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later
solus sto ( member #30989) posted at 1:41 PM on Tuesday, October 8th, 2013
It is a very good article--containing one statement to which I take exception:
Susie is responsible for 50 percent of the marriage problems
This is not accurate. Sometimes, both spouses bear 50 percent of the marriage problems. Other times, the "marriage problems" begin and end with one partner. Sometimes, the distribution is 72-25. Sometimes, it's 0-100 in favor of the wayward (up to the point of cheating).
"You own 50 percent of the marriage problems" chafes. Because I didn't. Lots of us didn't. Lots of us lived with partners who manufactured "marriage problems" as part of their set-up for infidelity.
BS-me, 62; X-irrelevant; we’re D & NC. "So much for the past and present. The future is called 'perhaps,' which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the important thing is not to let that scare you." Tennessee Williams
bitterbetrayal (original poster member #26326) posted at 2:01 PM on Tuesday, October 8th, 2013
I am so glad this is useful.I actually discovered it from a blog I follow.The article was posted by somebody in response to her recent blog.
She is an interesting blogger aiming at those who suffer from serial cheating spouses. But not particularly helpful if you are trying to reconcile with a remorseful spouse.
Facepunch I agree with you and in fact one of her followers responding to the article said this about it "Wow! Great article! And all that needs to be done to make it entirely relevant to non-Christians is swap out ‘sin’ for ‘lack of character’ and ‘dishonesty’".
PainP no I haven't shown it to my husband. It would annoy him that I am thrusting yet another article under his nose.I stopped being a Christian after his affair and have not been back to church for over three years now.Far far to big a trigger to go back.But I still think it is a brilliant article.
[This message edited by bitterbetrayal at 6:00 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]
Me. BS 52 at the time
Him.WS 52 at the time and a priest!
D-DAY 12/07/09.
Married 25 years at the time.
Two children 20 and 22 at the time.
rachelc ( member #30314) posted at 2:09 PM on Tuesday, October 8th, 2013
Especially the part about how a therapist can further traumatize a BS. I should have left our MC the minute he ragged on ME about looking at the OW's LinkedIn page - "you need to let these people live their own lives". fWH also got on that bandwagon. I've never felt so down in my life...
2oldforthis ( member #19825) posted at 2:23 PM on Tuesday, October 8th, 2013
Whatever the sin, I zero in on the sinner and make his sin the focus during the first phase of treatment.
He'll repent and change first. He'll confess exactly what he's done and work to fix his problem. He'll help his partner heal from what he's done to her. He'll become the husband God wants him to be.
Really like reading this, Thanks!
Oh and this
told Susie to stop her pathetic, humiliating efforts to please Bob. I told her to stop chasing Bob. Stop being nice to Bob. Stop killing herself to make him love her again. Why reward the man who ripped her heart out?
Love Love this articile it is spot on. The title is even great.
Thanks so much
[This message edited by 2oldforthis at 8:42 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]
He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!
Love kills slowly.
2oldforthis ( member #19825) posted at 8:25 PM on Tuesday, October 8th, 2013
(bitterbetrayal) Again thank you for this info.
He does have a book I think I am going to read it. I will let you know how it stands up to his statements.
He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!
Love kills slowly.
sodamnlost ( member #37190) posted at 8:38 PM on Tuesday, October 8th, 2013
This is not accurate. Sometimes, both spouses bear 50 percent of the marriage problems. Other times, the "marriage problems" begin and end with one partner. Sometimes, the distribution is 72-25. Sometimes, it's 0-100 in favor of the wayward (up to the point of cheating).
I'm so glad I am not the only one who has this "issue". When I thought WH "got it" (silly me) and looked back at who I and WE *REALLY* were when his affair started - it was *ALL* on him. Seriously. Now during the 2 years of his affair - yeah I have a BOATLOAD of things I need to own within our marriage. They may or may not have been driven by WH's affair but my reaction is still my own either way. I shudder to look at how far I fell from who I was when his affair started to Dday and beyond.
Edited to add an apology for the T/J - sorry
[This message edited by sodamnlost at 2:39 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]
Me - BS original Dday 10-2012, separated June 2014, divorce Fall 2016
Grief, loss and pain taunt her - "you will never be the same." Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, she rises and spreads her new wings as she brushes off the ashes an
realgood2u ( member #20940) posted at 7:57 PM on Thursday, October 10th, 2013
Great article...it's a keeper.
Sadly, it is very true, whether from a religious or secular view.
I agree that marriage blame is not necessarily 50/50. It only takes one to blow everything sky-high. Many of us were struggling with other major life situations and were simply abandoned by the one we trusted without reservation.
[This message edited by realgood2u at 2:03 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/187640237.html
"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cngsVlG3Z60
Morhurt ( member #40166) posted at 8:18 PM on Thursday, October 10th, 2013
I'm not religious but I enjoyed the article a lot. It struck a chord with me in respect to our MC (we quit after the second session). Although her words were saying that I was the victim etc, her actions didn't back that up.
During the second session we twice had to role-play where H told me things that I did that hurt his feelings and I had to practice "nicer more supportive" responses. Never did we reverse the roles. It was humiliating and terrible. H walked out thinking that I was to blame for the affairs! It has taken quite a while for us to recover from the damage she helped cause (AND we paid $225 for that crap!).
Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.
TattoodChinaDoll ( member #34602) posted at 8:43 PM on Thursday, October 10th, 2013
Thank you for sharing this! The moment I finally asked WH for a divorce (before he stopped wearing his ass as a hat), he said to me that I didn't belong going to church because I hadn't forgiven him. Something about that cut so deep. That's all he wanted. He wanted forgiveness. That's all great if you aren't emotionally abusive, lying, and unremorseful. He wanted forgiveness first before he could try to fix himself...which obviously wasnt a guarantee of the work. I knew that was backwards. Right now he is doing the work to gain my forgiveness. I may never forgive the act though.
[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 2:45 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]
Me: 35
WH: 37 TimeToManUp
Married: 14 years, together 19 years
3 daughters: 12, 8, 6, and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011
This is the most difficult thing I've ever done.
Spelljean ( member #35624) posted at 8:52 PM on Thursday, October 10th, 2013
Wish I had read that too.
I did every wrong thing imaginable!
Dressing differently, cooking more, (I already cooked enough) more exciting sex...I was more impulsive and "fun" and outgoing. Normally I'm soft spoken, quiet and I like to plan things ahead of time. It felt forced. I felt humiliated. I was trying to win HIM back with the new "me".
He ate it up, too. And turned into a MAJOR cake eater as a result.
He gets nothing from me anymore.
WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated
bitterbetrayal (original poster member #26326) posted at 1:07 PM on Friday, October 11th, 2013
Thanks for all your responses. I think the damage done by the wrong MC really delays the process of healing. It took many months before I understood that I was not to blame. It all just added more insult to injury and created more trauma to get over.
Me. BS 52 at the time
Him.WS 52 at the time and a priest!
D-DAY 12/07/09.
Married 25 years at the time.
Two children 20 and 22 at the time.
JanaGreen ( member #29341) posted at 1:49 PM on Friday, October 11th, 2013
This is fantastic. It makes me so angry that so many betrayed spouses received that traumatizing infuriating horrible advice from their counselors. I had a hard enough time without getting that; I can only imagine how much worse that would make it.
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