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If only I had read this first.Brilliant article.

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bitterbetrayal posted 10/8/2013 06:32 AM

Having been betrayed by my husband, a priest in the Church of England, I had the worst MC possible who did and said all the things first mentioned in this article. If only I had known. Maybe four years on I would still not be in such a state of horror at what my WH did!

[This message edited by bitterbetrayal at 6:32 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

rachelc posted 10/8/2013 06:39 AM

I. Love. This.!

painpaingoaway posted 10/8/2013 07:04 AM

Yes yes yes yes YES! Fantastic article!

BB I'm so glad you stumbled upon this article. How did your H react to it?

It sounds like this pastor has been here on SI. Maybe he himself has been betrayed. That's usually what it takes before people 'get it'.

And, I loved this, "This other woman, this tramp", lol.

Thanks for sharing that BB.

topperoff22 posted 10/8/2013 07:14 AM

Finally!!!! this is where i am at! My counselor makes me feel like I am NOT doing enough! THe marriage counselor that is. My regular counselor is the exact opposite. THis artcle is so right on!

jjct posted 10/8/2013 07:16 AM

That's what I thought ppga -
It's what we say here every day, with verses to back it up.
I appreciate how he explained how wrong (most/some?) church-based marital counseling is.
Would that more pastors, priests, and teachers would read that!

Ascendant posted 10/8/2013 07:19 AM

I am not a Christian, but strip this of most of the c religious aspect, and it's still awesome.

StillGoing posted 10/8/2013 07:33 AM

^ Agreed, good fundamental message of responsibility and accountability.

ItsaClimb posted 10/8/2013 07:39 AM

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. If only ALL therapists were forced to do a class with him on "How to Deal with Infidelity"!

solus sto posted 10/8/2013 07:41 AM

It is a very good article--containing one statement to which I take exception:

Susie is responsible for 50 percent of the marriage problems

This is not accurate. Sometimes, both spouses bear 50 percent of the marriage problems. Other times, the "marriage problems" begin and end with one partner. Sometimes, the distribution is 72-25. Sometimes, it's 0-100 in favor of the wayward (up to the point of cheating).

"You own 50 percent of the marriage problems" chafes. Because I didn't. Lots of us didn't. Lots of us lived with partners who manufactured "marriage problems" as part of their set-up for infidelity.

bitterbetrayal posted 10/8/2013 08:01 AM

I am so glad this is useful.I actually discovered it from a blog I follow.The article was posted by somebody in response to her recent blog.
She is an interesting blogger aiming at those who suffer from serial cheating spouses. But not particularly helpful if you are trying to reconcile with a remorseful spouse.
Facepunch I agree with you and in fact one of her followers responding to the article said this about it "Wow! Great article! And all that needs to be done to make it entirely relevant to non-Christians is swap out ‘sin’ for ‘lack of character’ and ‘dishonesty’".
PainP no I haven't shown it to my husband. It would annoy him that I am thrusting yet another article under his nose.I stopped being a Christian after his affair and have not been back to church for over three years now.Far far to big a trigger to go back.But I still think it is a brilliant article.

[This message edited by bitterbetrayal at 6:00 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]

rachelc posted 10/8/2013 08:09 AM

Especially the part about how a therapist can further traumatize a BS. I should have left our MC the minute he ragged on ME about looking at the OW's LinkedIn page - "you need to let these people live their own lives". fWH also got on that bandwagon. I've never felt so down in my life...

2oldforthis posted 10/8/2013 08:23 AM

Whatever the sin, I zero in on the sinner and make his sin the focus during the first phase of treatment.

He'll repent and change first. He'll confess exactly what he's done and work to fix his problem. He'll help his partner heal from what he's done to her. He'll become the husband God wants him to be.

Really like reading this, Thanks!

Oh and this

told Susie to stop her pathetic, humiliating efforts to please Bob. I told her to stop chasing Bob. Stop being nice to Bob. Stop killing herself to make him love her again. Why reward the man who ripped her heart out?

Love Love this articile it is spot on. The title is even great.

Thanks so much

[This message edited by 2oldforthis at 8:42 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

2oldforthis posted 10/8/2013 14:25 PM

(bitterbetrayal) Again thank you for this info.

He does have a book I think I am going to read it. I will let you know how it stands up to his statements.

sodamnlost posted 10/8/2013 14:38 PM

This is not accurate. Sometimes, both spouses bear 50 percent of the marriage problems. Other times, the "marriage problems" begin and end with one partner. Sometimes, the distribution is 72-25. Sometimes, it's 0-100 in favor of the wayward (up to the point of cheating).

I'm so glad I am not the only one who has this "issue". When I thought WH "got it" (silly me) and looked back at who I and WE *REALLY* were when his affair started - it was *ALL* on him. Seriously. Now during the 2 years of his affair - yeah I have a BOATLOAD of things I need to own within our marriage. They may or may not have been driven by WH's affair but my reaction is still my own either way. I shudder to look at how far I fell from who I was when his affair started to Dday and beyond.

Edited to add an apology for the T/J - sorry

[This message edited by sodamnlost at 2:39 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

realgood2u posted 10/10/2013 13:57 PM

Great's a keeper.

Sadly, it is very true, whether from a religious or secular view.

I agree that marriage blame is not necessarily 50/50. It only takes one to blow everything sky-high. Many of us were struggling with other major life situations and were simply abandoned by the one we trusted without reservation.

[This message edited by realgood2u at 2:03 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]

Morhurt posted 10/10/2013 14:18 PM

I'm not religious but I enjoyed the article a lot. It struck a chord with me in respect to our MC (we quit after the second session). Although her words were saying that I was the victim etc, her actions didn't back that up.

During the second session we twice had to role-play where H told me things that I did that hurt his feelings and I had to practice "nicer more supportive" responses. Never did we reverse the roles. It was humiliating and terrible. H walked out thinking that I was to blame for the affairs! It has taken quite a while for us to recover from the damage she helped cause (AND we paid $225 for that crap!).

TattoodChinaDoll posted 10/10/2013 14:43 PM

Thank you for sharing this! The moment I finally asked WH for a divorce (before he stopped wearing his ass as a hat), he said to me that I didn't belong going to church because I hadn't forgiven him. Something about that cut so deep. That's all he wanted. He wanted forgiveness. That's all great if you aren't emotionally abusive, lying, and unremorseful. He wanted forgiveness first before he could try to fix himself...which obviously wasnt a guarantee of the work. I knew that was backwards. Right now he is doing the work to gain my forgiveness. I may never forgive the act though.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 2:45 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]

Spelljean posted 10/10/2013 14:52 PM

Wish I had read that too.

I did every wrong thing imaginable!

Dressing differently, cooking more, (I already cooked enough) more exciting sex...I was more impulsive and "fun" and outgoing. Normally I'm soft spoken, quiet and I like to plan things ahead of time. It felt forced. I felt humiliated. I was trying to win HIM back with the new "me".

He ate it up, too. And turned into a MAJOR cake eater as a result.

He gets nothing from me anymore.

bitterbetrayal posted 10/11/2013 07:07 AM

Thanks for all your responses. I think the damage done by the wrong MC really delays the process of healing. It took many months before I understood that I was not to blame. It all just added more insult to injury and created more trauma to get over.

JanaGreen posted 10/11/2013 07:49 AM

This is fantastic. It makes me so angry that so many betrayed spouses received that traumatizing infuriating horrible advice from their counselors. I had a hard enough time without getting that; I can only imagine how much worse that would make it.

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