The fantasy that produces the chemicals is not real.
The chemicals are.
Is your WW being transparent and does she have remorse? Has she begun to work on why she violated her vows?
The best part of divorcing is that you don't need to know. This may seem like conceited advice but the 'why' will torture you. Vulnerability or not it is clear that she did want this 'connection' which I assure was shallow and would not compare to 28 years of marriage.
This site is founded and managed by a couple that successfully reconciled. There are numerous people here who reconciled. Mind you there are also a lot of people here that didn’t… But IF you want to and if your wife wants to you two CAN reconcile.
However… don’t try this alone. You two need outside help. Go NOW and look for a pro-marriage MC with infidelity experience.
Affairs happen when a spouse refuses to deal with a reality-based problem. Most often, the issue is related to low self esteem, and a deep seeded fear of who they are which leads to an inability to get their needs met in a healthy, constructive way. This greases the slippery slope to where external validation becomes so prized (as opposed to internal validation). Unless you WW is willing to do the hard work and introspect why she felt her choice was acceptable, she will not be able to put forth the actions necessary for self improvement and improvement of your relationship.
It is good that you recognise you have issues to work through. Whatever happens, whatever path you walk, you need to be at your best so that you can give your best to you.
It's normal to be confused. It's normal to jump all over the place emotionally. However, you will know that you are ready to make your decision when both your head and heart agree. This will take time.
To help in your quest, I ask you two questions. Take some time to think about them.
- What do you believe in?
- What actions must you take to stand up for what you believe in, knowing that in 10 years time you will respect those decisions?
a huge mistake
Please. Never, ever let her say such a thing again. What she did was not a mistake. A mistake is when you put one brown sock and one black sock on and go to work. A mistake is when you forget to re-fill the coffee pot and it boils dry.
What she made was a "choice." She made a "decision" to commit adultery. She chose to not cut off her flirtation with the OM once she was attracted to him. She chose to spend 5 hrs drinking with him. She chose to let him kiss her. And she chose to go back to him and drop her panties. These were all decisions that SHE made. She could have backed out at any point, she could have chose to walk away. But she did not. She made the decision to do what she did.
Calling all of the above a "mistake," an "oopsie," is minimizing the decisions that she made to betray you. Don't let your WW or anyone else, minimize your pain.
D-Day, June 10, 2012