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Newest Member: silenceisnotgold (46036)

User Topic: H having no contact with family Or anyone who knows
MJane
♀ 40571
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H mentioned in MC he had become detached from me during the year before he started A - what I realize now if how often he avoids difficult discussions and cuts people out when it is is difficult. His mother came to stay shortly after Dday and knows about the A (I thought her response was pretty strange as she sort of got over it and made small talk pretty quickly). Anyway, she sent a present for our son which my H never acknowledged and also has rung her multiple times to mobile and has started to do the same on home phone - and he asks me not to answer. Frankly I have no interest in answering it but I know he is avoiding his mother, father and sister and it frightens me how he just disconnects and carries on with the rest of his life....

Posts: 260 | Registered: Sep 2013
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like he is showing you what he's going to be like down the road in this process. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5237 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Blobette
♀ 36519
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two words: conflict avoidant. And that is so often the root of the problems in the first place. WSs have issues they don't want to deal with, so they have an A rather than face up to it like a grownup. You have to let him know that this is not acceptable. I agree with Skan -- it doesn't bode well. Bring it up in MC. Is he in IC? Sounds like he needs it, big-time.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
Softcentre
39166
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be careful, if he runs away from people who know rather than face them,he may run away fromy ou, rather than face you,too.Hope I'm wrong.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - passive aggressive, tt'ing, gaslighting...multiple EA's with different women (1 'proven') and at least 1 PA

Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him.

"Until God opens the next do


Posts: 1117 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
MJane
♀ 40571
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know - he has a history of it - buries past friendships when there is a falling out. It scares me how he manages to switch of feelings like that...something I hope gets tackled in IC or MC. His mother is now mailing me every other day for contact - I am just polite and answer for me and little one - her son is big enough to speak for himself....

Posts: 260 | Registered: Sep 2013
WIgirl
♀ 40533
Member # 40533
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was seeing this with my H also and it was bothering me. I asked my IC about it, and she made the comment that if he is working on you as a couple and working on self-improvement, really trying to get at the root of what happened...then he just doesn't have the emotional capacity for the people on the periphery. That made some sense to me...so as long as I feel like he's working on us, I'm trying not to get too worked up about it. I shared this information with his sister and she thought that actually sounded plausible and it really didn't hurt her feelings. She has been through a divorce and understands how emotionally taxing relationship issues can be. Just another perspective.


Me: 38 yo BW
Him: 40 yo WH
2 daughters (8, 5); married 15 yrs
DD: 6/2/13 (5 mo EA/PA with coworker)
Separated/Divorcing

Posts: 49 | Registered: Sep 2013
MJane
♀ 40571
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks WIgirl, I hope that it does apply to us as I am seeing him putting some effort in certainly this week more- I raised it in my IC and my fear is he is conflict-avoidant - when he falls out with people it is normally a clean break with no looking back. He has yet to start IC and I think he will benefit IF he is actually honest - I don't know if he recognises how he avoids unpleasant topics....

Posts: 260 | Registered: Sep 2013
OnAnIsland
♀ 34319
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH did that too during A and afterward. Ad they didn't now about the A. Then something funny happened. As I got healthier, I also started drawing Lin around the type of kin work and family support I would do for him. I told him I wasn't taking care of all of his siblings and their kids and his mom anymore. In terms of gifts and regular contact. I talk I this brother and sister, and his mom sometimes. I try to get kids to call some, but there is a line.

And as he has gotten healthier through IC, he has started to call his family regularly, and attempt contact. They disagree about a lot of things, but he is making more of an effort than before.

Maybe your WH is trying to turn in to take care of your relationship. Maybe he can't bear to face his family now that they know. Have you asked him?


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1482 | Registered: Dec 2011
OnAnIsland
♀ 34319
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Btw my WH's brother is a recovering sex addict who lost his marriage and custody of his children due to his acting out. And I know my WH has no intention of talking to him about what WH has done. Given the amount of therapy my BIL has done, I think WH and I could both learn a lot about foo issues from him.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1482 | Registered: Dec 2011
Topic Posts: 9

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