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I read in a post that it's natural for a WS to "graze down". Sorry, I don't have a better term for it. Maybe someone else can help define it better. I'm somewhat successful, not a millionaire, but not poor either. I'm no Brad Pitt, but not completely butt ugly either. Educated and generally well liked. The person she had the A with, by any way of looking, is obesely overweight, was a car salesman when they first met, is divorced himself from a prior infidelity of his, has no money, and doesn't seem overly educated. If she was going to screw around on me, at least have the dignity to do it with someone worthy. But then with her low self esteem, she probably would have slept with anyone who told her she was pretty. She wouldn't let me help with her issues, believing I only married her for kids. I couldn't convince her otherwise. THEN, she gets defensive when I started putting him down. She even had the nerve at one point on D-Day, to begin to say we all could be friends. She must have saw the look on my face and stopped mid sentence. That I would like him.... No kidding.

Anyway, I rambled. Thanks for listening. So what is it? Is it common for the WS to "graze down"?

Hi Betrayed, here is a thread that I thought you might enjoy reading. This is what brought me here to this site, thanks to google. It really helped me to see just how broken my FWH and the OW really are. Hope this helps you!

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=326449

I feel no matter what the person looks like, their education, or social standing it it is always a step down from you.

The AP apperently has no moral compass and usually are willing to settle for seconds and leftovers.

We as the BS can never understand a WS's choice. MY H AP was a younger version of me but without the class. She screwed a MM. That's a step down IMHO.

I have read somewhere it is always a down step. I just don't get it. If I was going to risk everything I think I would try and get better.

The way I see it is the POSOM had no job, was involved with other MW, talked a great game. But the fact that he had nothing but time to try and get in my WW pants, she saw it as him being interested in her and her interests. So yeah, she affaired down but he had what she wanted.

I think this is true in my case.

WW's POS AP does have a PhD, but it is in a field so useless he has always been relegated to teaching into and remedial classes to incoming freshmen.

At best, he can be described as 'portly' while I have kept myself in shape.

Like you, I am no Brad Pitt, nor do I want to be. But POSOM looks more like Mel Gibson's drunken mug shot but without the hair.

I remember telling WW once (long before I learned of the A) that Dr. POS must be hung like a stallion because of the way women hung on his every word and flocked to him like dogs in heat. (If I had only known my W was one of them!)

Because my WW is a PhD, I have an idea how much Mr POS PhD makes. I may not be a PhD, but I was successful enough in my field to allow my wife and I to retire at 60 with our house and land paid for, no bills other than utilities, etc. If I am guessing right, when the A was in full bloom, I was making in one year what PhD POS made in three.

So yes, I do think she grazed down and I am even somewhat bitter about it.

My first sighting of affairing down came several years ago. A gorgeous woman who worked at the hospital I worked at, had a husband that was equally gorgeous. He worked out, handsome, great career, seemed like they got a long well. She worked on a project with a man that was short, balding, overweight, and not lucky in the looks dept. She left her husband for him. It literally looked like beauty and the beast when they walked down the halls. She said this man made her feel special and good about herself. I really think that's key, how they make them feel. I'm sure its all an illusion but they feel it.. looks may catch an eye but I don't think that is what starts affairs. Jmo

The last poster hit the nail on the head. It's how the AP made them feel vs if they were pretty or even if they were a good person. My WS affaired *up* as far as looks go at the time, because I had let myself go physically and mentally while His MOW kept herself up and pretty. However, he did say it had nothing to do with the fact that she was prettier, but had to do with the fact of how she made him feel. She gave him access to herself any time of day, all day. They text hundreds and hundreds of times a day....all day, every day. She told him how amazing he was. She told him how perfect he was. How hot he was. How mean I was to him. How underappreciated he was. How much she wanted to prove to him how much she thought of him....etc etc etc. Stuff of 13 year olds. Not stuff anyone that had a real life had time to do. Unreal. He needed constant attention because of what was empty INSIDE HIMSELF that I just couldn't help him with. And for the short term, she helped him with that. Then when they weren't in contact he would feel shitty for the person he was. So he needed his "fix" again. And she gave it to him. An Affair really is a drug.

Thanks for humoring me. Same in my wife's situation. Low self esteem. Someone telling her how pretty she was, unappreciated she was, sending literally hundreds of texts each day. Talking on phone every morning and night on way to and from work. As a car salesman, I'm sure he learned how to talk to people and tell them what they want to hear. With my job, I can't text that many times a day. The way it is while we're R, I try to keep in touch during the day, but it's tough. I'd like to keep my job!!She wouldn't hear those things from me, had to hear it from someone else. Again. Thanks! (and yes, I took the week off to work on the house, so I'm not on this site during my "work hours"! LOL.

Sad that when a spouse compliments waywards, it goes in one ear and out the other. There is something to an outsider telling them they are so perfect, that makes them feel so validated.

Until they do real life with that new person, and eventually they feel less validated and more invisible with each passing day.

My WH thrived on the secrecy. Without the secrecy he couldn't even keep his affair going. OW is nothing in the looks department. And she is a desperate, clingy type, very manipulative. I know those types. I dated a couple myself when I was single. And its true...they do make you feel terrific. One day though, you come out of that fog and feel like you've been fooled.

They are insecure people. Trouble is, insecurity is a near epidemic and why so many people are ripe for affairs in my opinion.

Out of all the crap that has been said by my WH since his infidelity - one of the things that hurt the most was when I said that she was ugly, or something. (I had the picture he had taken of her. Awesome - not.)

His response, "I think she is cute!"

CUTE!!! The prostitute.

OK. Whatever.

But I have to admit.

She was younger. She was thinner. She was more fit. I guess she was better at - ahem - what she did, because he never paid me $40 to do it!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 5:37 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

My Wh told me, at one very early point, that the OW was pretty. And that she was his best confidant, friend, and blah, blah, blah...
It's a combo of the fog and a person hearing what they want to hear.

An absolutely valid question!

I really do wonder about the psychology that leads to this phenomenon.

I am significantly younger than my husband, very intelligent, successful and attractive. Yet all the women my husband has cheated on me or had inappropriate relationships with have been old, uneducated, and not particularly attractive women. Why? If he was going to cheat on me he could at least have had to dignity to make it someone that was hot!

My WW certainly grazed down. Much older than me, overweight, bald, unable to perform without viagra, much less successful in his career, living in a house in need of so much decoration that even WW described it as squalid. My immediate reaction was "Why him, for God sake?" Now I understand. If he hadn't been a sad loser, he would have had more self-respect than to have an affair, and would have wanted more than a few crumbs from her table.

Listen,

I do not care if the OP was thiner, prettier, made more money, bald or whatever. Everyone of our WS's grazed down! They choice someone who would have an A.

That makes all of us BS's that stayed even in the shitty M's and did not cheat better!