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Newest Member: EllaE21 (60723)

User Topic: Do you ask about what your WS talked about in IC?
♀ 32324
Member # 32324
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Refer to previous post(s) for my back story...I can't write it all from my phone.

My H's first IC appointment was today. I don't know if I'm supposed to ask about it or not. I told him about my IC appointments and what was discussed, although I don't think he cared much. Are we supposed to talk about his? Or is it just for him? What do you do?

Me: 31
Him: 32
Married 11 years
Daughter, 10 yrs old
D-Day: 05/08/2011

Posts: 682 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Louisiana
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


IC is for the individual and dealing with their thoughts and feelings. If you two come to an agreement about discussing your sessions I don't see anything wrong with that. However, there must be an agreement, you (general term) can't expect him to share things when the sole purpose is for him to have a safety zone of his own.

Talk to him and see what you two can come up with

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:12 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

Posts: 210060 | Registered: May 2002
♀ 39670
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH and I are both seeing the same counselor but individually. She is acting as a bridge to the marriage, with the intent of "graduating" to MC together at some point.

Anyway...we both ask eachother how it went after our appointments and we share what we want to share with eachohter.

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 32943
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did, because WS is so conflict avoidant and people pleasing that I could imagine he spent the entire 50 minutes assuring the IC that everything was just great. I wanted to know if he was addressing things that I needed addressed in order to stay in the marriage. And I wanted to be sure he didn't have an ineffectual or screwed-up counselor.

On the other hand, I did want him to feel comfortable and safe talking to his counselor, as it was a big step for him to go and it was hard for him to open up.

I am sure you will get a range of responses, but maybe it would be good to have a conversation about what his goals are for IC, and don't push at first for the details of the meeting. My WS didn't have any goals (yeah, part of the bigger problem) and an inexperienced counselor, so not a lot happened with the first one other than his getting comfortable with talking to someone and thinking about his feelings (which actually was a big step, I guess, just frustrating for me). We had a conversation that he could not be completely passive in IC, and should tell the counselor something he wanted to work on, and we discussed what that would be. WH didn't want to talk too much about IC at first, it was very painful for him to face himself and his fears, but now that he is more comfortable with it, he uses me as a kind of reality check - after all, I know him better than anyone - the good and the bad.

Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1954 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
♂ 38103
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We both just ask how it went and if there is anything the other would like to talk about. I (the BS) am finding it easier to talk about the IC meeting. Maybe it is because I bottled it up for years? She is having a harder time, I wonder why

Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 724 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
♀ 13515
Member # 13515
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in IC and WBF frequently asks me what I discuss because "according to him" "I'm not making any progress in getting over his affairs". I prefer to tell him that what I discuss is none of his business and that I will let him know if and when I am "over it"

Me thinks it might be as I'm walking out the door with a big Goodbye bird aimed at him.

Posts: 1139 | Registered: Feb 2007
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH went to IC twice. Each time I asked what was discussed,he said,"stuff." I didn't ask for details..I just wanted to know he was going to IC to work on his shit,not to shut me up. I asked on here if I had a right to expect a general explanation of what they discussed and was told's not my business. I wanted to know if WH was there discussing his issues,but more importantly,I needed to know if he was discussing his "confusion" about his sexuality. I was told I needed to trust that he was dealing with those kinds of things. Trust?? Yeah..ok.

Before his 3rd IC visit, he told me they were talking about how to get me over this(his cheating). Basically, he had an Ic that was a rugsweeper,your BS needs no details,etc,kind of IC.

So..he stopped going. He was doing a great job of rugsweeping all by himself,he certainly didn't need any encouragement.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:08 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 39906
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For years my husband would ask me about it and get frustrated if I seemed upset afterwards. I hated that he asked me about it. If I didn't want to share details he'd feel offended and shut out. Finally I said if you want to know what I'm talking about than you should come with me. Now that he finally decided to start IC, he gets it. He even apologized for pushing me so hard about it. He see's how hard it is to talk about stuff you are still processing. Sometimes I'm so emotionally exhausted after my appt that I don't want to talk about anything at all. I'm so glad he gets it now. Now we just ask if there is anything the other one wants to share after the appt.

Posts: 1825 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 40095
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to share all the details of my IC sessions, but I do ask WH about his. I ask because he is very conflict avoidant and I don't trust him to really discuss his issues with his IC. And if he doesn't and isn't making progress, then I'm not staying in this marriage. So I want to know that he's moving forward. I don't need all the details, but I need to know that something is happening in there other than him saying everything is fine or just talking about how to shut me up and get me over his serial cheating.

BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 253 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My view of IC is like DS's, but my W lied to her IC before and during her A.

As a result, one of my requirements for R was a signed release that allowed my W's IC to share info with me. Her IC was also our MC, and the release also allowed anything from an IC session to be brought up in MC sessions. Any Q I wanted to ask, I asked in MC sessions. At first, I asked fairly frequently.

W & I also went over an outline of each session when she cam home.

After a while, when it became clear my W was truly committed to R, I just ask her if there's anything I need to know about a session and accept her answer.

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:04 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

As of September, 2017 -
fBH (me) - 70+, fWW, Married 50, together 50+, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's all I know.

Posts: 16267 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 40605
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ask how it went, and if there is anything he wants to share. When he shares something, I try reeeeeeeally hard to listen, and not to pick it apart too much. That's hard because I am so anxious to know things are being addressed and changes are being made.


Me: BS, 46
Him: WH, 47
Together 24 years
4 amazing kids
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Choosing myself daily and R almost every day

Posts: 697 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 11

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