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Aubrie posted 10/8/2013 09:51 AM

Six years ago today I was laying in the bedroom floor in agonizing pain. Knowing something was terribly wrong, but not sure what exactly it was. The pain was so intense I was sorely tempted to have QS drive me to the ER.

I laid there, wrapped in a ball, him sitting in the floor next to me, for several hours. I cried, gasped, prayed for death. The cramps and the pain wouldn't stop. Finally, hours later, the pain started to dissipate. Weak and completely exhausted, I walked downstairs to use the restroom.

And it passed.

That's when it dawned on me what had happened. I sat there staring at the remains in disbelief and shock. *That's* what that pain was all about. Did I really just loose it? Were my eyes deceiving me? No, it was really there. Laying in the palm of my hand.

What do I do with it? Do I bury it? It's so tiny. People will think I'm stupid. You can't even see the outline of a baby. It's just a blob. But it's my blob. My little being. Who cares what people think. But nobody knew you were pregnant. You weren't even sure yourself till two days ago. And where are you going to bury it?

A million thoughts swirled thru my head. I was already exhausted. This added another layer to the mess. Feeling completely overwhelmed, I flushed it. As soon as I did, I felt horror. Why did I do that??? But what else could I do. People would think I was over-reacting.

Numbly I trudged back up the stairs and fell into bed and fell into a deep sleep.

The following morning I called my OB searching for answers. Validation of what I'd just gone thru. She brushed me off. Told me it was nothing, just a really bad, really strange period. I hung up the phone, feeling confused, belittled, and terribly alone.

I remember nothing else about that day. It's the following evening that is most vivid to me.

We were getting ready for church. By then, I had this surge of emotion, a drop in hormones, I don't know what you call it, but I was tanking. Badly. My husband was getting in the shower and I sat on the bed crying. He snapped at me. Said he didn't know what the big deal was. It happened, there was nothing I could do, could we get ready now before we're late? I felt completely, completely alone.

From that point on, I stuffed my pain. When it would flare up, it would be shoved aside. I didn't let anyone see the hurt. Didn't talk about it. Didn't show it. Then I found myself on SI and someone picked and pulled that scab back. Oh what an infection laid beneath that scab.

I've been cleaning, medicating, and tending to that infection. And it's healing beautifully. It hasn't been pretty. It hasn't been easy. But it's happening.

Today is 6 years from that terrible day. And I'm ok. It happened. I will never forget. I will always wonder what our baby would have looked like. If it would have been a blonde or a brunette. If it would have looked more like QS, me, or a perfect blend of us both like our other two children. I wonder what its personality would be like. Would it be like either of our children, or completely different. I'll never know. But it's ok.

There is an Angel Baby waiting for me in heaven. When I pass from this life, there is someone there, waiting to meet me.

A friend told me this morning that October 15th is Miscarriage and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. How strange, yet comforting that on October 8th, I lost a child, and one year later on October 15th, I was blessed with my son. He's my reminder that there is joy after suffering.

Please excuse the Pollyanna in me today.

Peace and love to you all.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 9:51 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

MovingUpward posted 10/8/2013 10:28 AM

Peace and healing to you

nowiknow23 posted 10/8/2013 10:33 AM

((((Aubrie)))) Peace, honey.

Undefinabl3 posted 10/8/2013 10:37 AM

He or She would have been 10 this november - nobody knew, and XH still doesn't. The only reason DH knows is because he was with me the first time we got checked up for DS and I had to answer the 'how many times have you been pregnant question' as 2 instead of 1.

I went through all of it alone, and at the time, I dont think I was that effected by it since I had never had kids before.

Now that I have my own children, I know what I lost. I lost a person. What color hair would they have had, who's eyes would they have gotten. Book worm? outdoorsy? both?

what would they have wanted to be when they grew up.

You are not alone.

((Aubrie))

Deeply Scared posted 10/8/2013 10:42 AM

(((Aubrie and Undefinabl)))

Healing thoughts to you both.

tushnurse posted 10/8/2013 12:27 PM

(((Aubrie))) (((Undef)))

That is a pain that so many ignore, or belittle, I never understood that.

That is a soul that would have had all been right become a person. But a higher power, knew something wasn't right, and saved that sould from suffering.
I do believe this.

When you know the real science, all the things that have to happen at precisely the exact moment they are supposed to it is amazing that any of us exist.

((((and strength, and peace to you both))))

sisoon posted 10/8/2013 12:56 PM

I'm glad you're healing.

Exit Wounds posted 10/8/2013 13:15 PM

I am sorry for your pain...

jo2love posted 10/8/2013 13:35 PM

(((Aubrie)))

Aubrie posted 10/8/2013 14:07 PM

(((Undefinabl3)))

I'm sorry you had to deal with this alone.

That is a pain that so many ignore, or belittle, I never understood that.
I think it's like everything else. Till you experience it, you just don't know.

When you know the real science, all the things that have to happen at precisely the exact moment they are supposed to it is amazing that any of us exist.
No kidding! I grew up thinking I'd never want children. Got married and was still adamant that I didn't want children. QS had accepted the fact we may be a childless by choice couple. But about 2 years in, I started getting all weak in the knees thinking about babies. Upon researching it, cause I research everything, (just how I roll) the science of it all shocked me. Quite miraculous.

Anyway, it's a good day. It's nice to remember, but not be consumed with agony. I don't really want to be that way anyway, ya know? I don't want it to be another day that I dread on the calendar of life. Dunno. Can't describe it.

Mommato4 posted 10/8/2013 14:36 PM

(((Aubrie)))

I remember mine too. The exact same feeling, reactions, and the doctor reply of it's not a big deal. 18 years ago...

Undefinabl3 posted 10/8/2013 14:48 PM

Aubrie - Thanks...I didn't tell anyone because I was really embarrassed and at the time my XH and I had only known each other a few months.

The exact same feeling, reactions, and the doctor reply of it's not a big deal.

I think sadly for them it probably is no big deal. I am amazed at how many people that i know have had miscarriages and then D & C's. For them its just another part of 'business' while for us women, it's beyond personal.

jrc1963 posted 10/8/2013 18:25 PM

(((Aubrie))) (((Undefinable)))

While I don't know the pain of losing a baby I do understand the pain of infertility.

I could never belittle or dismiss anyone's pain at losing a child.

I have the deepest sympathy for anyone who's lost a baby.

Kelany posted 10/8/2013 18:55 PM

My angel baby would have been 10 in August.

I have 5 children here, but I still remember that loss like it was yesterday.

woundedby2 posted 10/8/2013 19:05 PM

(((Aubrie)))

What a touching post.

I would like to hug you and all of the other mothers of angel babies who have posted, and will post, here.

I was incredibly blessed to have had 2 pregnancies and 2 healthy babies.

[This message edited by woundedby2 at 7:06 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

Aubrie posted 10/8/2013 20:18 PM

The exact same feeling, reactions, and the doctor reply of it's not a big deal.

I think sadly for them it probably is no big deal. I am amazed at how many people that i know have had miscarriages and then D & C's. For them its just another part of 'business' while for us women, it's beyond personal.
I dunno about anyone else, but I felt such a pressure. First, because I didn't share it with anyone other than my husband and mother. (till recently) But secondly, because I saw other people who'd lost their little ones and they were told, "You'll get over it. Focus on your living children. At least you have them."

It just doesn't work that way. It's not that easy. And I can understand why mothers struggle thru the grieving process.

(((mommato4 & Samantha)))

I'm sorry you're members of this club too.

Thanks everyone for the hugs and support.

This exact time 6 years ago I was in the floor in agony. Today I'm snuggled on the couch with my husband, my kidlets running around finishing up their ice cream and getting showers and baths done, and remembering the wee one that wasn't mine to keep.

Peace.

looking forward posted 10/8/2013 21:27 PM

Aubrie,
I so relate to your pain.
My date is October 23rd, 1968, a Wednesday, certainly a day of woe.
Our son would have been 44 years old this past May.
He has two younger brothers, 37 and 29.
I carried this pain for over 40 years, and finally, in 2009, H and I had a private healing service with our Anglican priest.
I am at peace.
Our Angel baby is in God's loving arms.
(((Aubrie)))

[This message edited by looking forward at 12:03 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

Gottagetthrough posted 10/8/2013 22:08 PM

My Angel would be 5.

I wish I had buried him, too. That is a great regret of mine.

My WH might not be the most caring and he might have a ton of faults, but he was exceptionally great to me during that time.

And now I am crying.

Hugs to all of us who have lost tiny Angels.

Gottagetthrough posted 10/8/2013 22:10 PM

I carried this pain for over 40 years, and finally, in 2009, H and I had a private healing service with our Anglican priest.

This is so beautiful, I would love to have a healing service for me, and Angel, one day.

gma56 posted 10/8/2013 22:20 PM

(((Aubie and all parents that lost a child))

You aren't alone. I lost a pregnancy just as my 1st husband and I were separating. I had suspected I was pregnant and was to see Dr the next week. I have no idea if I had a girl or boy but I knew somehow it was a girl. She would be 37 yrs old and my DD40 would've had a bio-sister.
I always wonder about her and if she would have been like DD40.
Big Hugs
Gma

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