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Alone time anxiety

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unforgivable5 posted 10/8/2013 09:58 AM

We have had date nights and have been doing things together a lot more. She actually acts somewhat excited about it. At first its all I wanted to do.


However, I get anxiety over it lately. The time when its just the two of us I can't help but feel like crap. Its on my mind nearly every second. I look across the table and at her face and think what a horrible thing I did to her. And every second I am wondering, is she thinking about it right now?

It gets me down a little, and I try to fake it. I hope this is just a stage.

[This message edited by unforgivable5 at 9:59 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

1DumbHusband posted 10/8/2013 11:35 AM

Sadly if your experience is like mine, it's not a stage but a new reality. I often have days like you mention. My BS wants me to tell her when I have those moments so she can see how much I am disgusted and distraught by my own actions. You might talk to your BS and see if she feels the same. I often times feel I shouldn't vocalize my pain because I was the offender. I realize that I am allowed to feel and express my pain but I often times feel her pain is more important than my own.

changedlife posted 10/8/2013 12:23 PM

I have just started thinking like that recently also. Before, I was worried about what she was thinking when we were together. Now I think about my actions all day long. I think of all the pain I've caused her and how much it has changed her from her fun, loving self. I think think about the affair, the lies, and how much I hate the person I became. I guess the reality of who I really was set in. Before I was trying to ignore it and hope everything would blow over. I was worried about her getting better and not focusing on me changing to be better.

[This message edited by changedlife at 12:25 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

Taurus517 posted 10/20/2013 22:23 PM

I can understand how you are feeling. Everyday I think to myself what is she thinking since everyday is a trigger because I created this new reality. I hate what I did and have become, I know I'm better than who I was and I don't want to be that person anymore. Reality is that I have caused all this anger, depression, sadness, confusion, and so on. I destroyed the life that she knew and became this monster. I think about all the shit I created everyday now and it hurts. Each day is a new day to do better and learn.

OnAnIsland posted 10/21/2013 08:00 AM

Tell your bs about your feelings. That you are plagued by thoughts about what you have done. Let your bs tell you whether they want to hear these things from you as they occur. I was floored to hear from my WH that one of the things he has been struggling with in IC has been the shame and guilt. Because he does not share this stuff with me. It would help a lot to know that I am not the only one whose life is ruled by this mess. And to hear the regret and remorse.

flup posted 10/21/2013 16:39 PM

BS here, I hope that's okay.

I wish my fWW would open up to me and tell me when (if?) she's thinking what you're thinking. You can bet she's thinking about it, personally, I'd welcome the discussion.

Good Luck!

soconfusednow posted 10/21/2013 23:45 PM

Its on my mind nearly every second. I look across the table and at her face and think what a horrible thing I did to her. And every second I am wondering, is she thinking about it right now?

If this is how my WH feels I wish he'd share it with me. Just knowing he thinks about the pain the A caused, without me bringing it up first, would help me get though some of the hard times. Then I'd be closer to believing he really understood & cared about me.

unforgivable5 posted 10/22/2013 11:29 AM

Thank you all for the responses, its comforting to hear other WS's having similar feelings, and so great to hear from BS's perspective.

So here is what I know. I can't hide from my feelings, and keeping them in, trying to bury them or not dealing with them is part of what got me here in the first place. I am striving to have an intimate relationship with my wife. Intimacy is honesty. So I talk to my wife about how and what I feel. And she does the same.

Things are better since we have talked about it. Date yesterday was near perfect.

So yes, what OnAnIsland, flup, and Soconfusednow said. thank you.

[This message edited by unforgivable5 at 11:30 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

mrmarx posted 10/22/2013 20:56 PM

In my experience, talking about my own feelings of shame and regret have opened the channel of communication for good real conversation. There is no quick fix for situations like this, this new reality is draining...but those moments when things almost seem normal again are so special. Don't fake how you feel...you need to be honest with your BS and continue building trust and transparency.

soconfusednow posted 10/22/2013 22:32 PM

Things are better since we have talked about it. Date yesterday was near perfect.

so glad to here that.

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