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Newest Member: lostsoul8008 (61557)

User Topic: Going from Surviving Infidelity to Surviving Divorce
♀ 39036
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone who posted on my threads last week and who have posted on my threads in the past. Boy is this a journey. Sometimes I relate too much to those Lifetime Movies.

Just wanted to add a few things on here about how this site has helped me:

-Crickets! I can't say that I didn't respond to some of WS' emails, but he was pushing those buttons (you know, the ones he installed) and I let him get to me.

He tried to say he thought I wasn't mentally sound right now, he threw in some comments about how he had been neglected for years, I constricted his time with his son when I insisted on picking him up from the in-laws instead of having him bring him to me at 9 or 10 every night , I'm cruel, blah, blah, blah, blah.....I did respond to some of these with just a repeat of what I've been saying, and I did have to say: If you want to talk about cruelty, look in the mirror. By years of neglect you must be referring to the years you've spent drunk at [bar]. I also threw in a lot of, you know where we live, you can visit DS anytime. I have some concerns about your alcoholism...etc. All of it is the truth, but he's so stupid he's just solidifying my case.

Right now Crickets is my best friend. I keep asking my ATTY, do I have to respond to this? If it's about DS, then yes. But I took everyone's advice....his emails go in a separate folder, and I don't answer anything for 24 hours.

-Atty is liking how I'm responding to things and giving me more advice. I gave her the heads up that we are dealing with an Alcoholic/NPD and he's probably going to make this very difficult. I'm hoping he's so damn broke he won't be able to afford going to court.

-I'm doing what everyone on here has told me to do. Keep my cards close to my chest. Stop dealing with this person like they are my friend or the person I married. This guy cheated on me, abandoned me, has never taken care of his son, and is now upset because he lost control of me. I was supposed to stay where I was and keep paying his parents for daycare while he cut off the only financial support he was giving me. My favorite quote from his emails is "I'm not a bank or a babysitter." You are so right asshat!

-My Attorney was impressed with all of the advice I garnered on this site.

Kudos to you all...I know I can go from Surviving infidelity to surviving divorce. This isn't the outcome I wanted, but now that I have some distance I can see how I was in an impossible situation. I kept wanting to see the man I married in the man who mistreated the mother of his child and left her and a 10 day old baby high and dry.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 4:42 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

Me: BS 37
Him: WS 37
20 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 418 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So hopeful! I love this. And I love how you're transforming SI into SD. I'm gonna keep that in my head today, too!

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ 37895
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine is totally broke too with $20k in cerdit card debt and being sued by an ex-client. There is no way he can afford a lawyers's retainer. I have changed he passwords on all accounts and put everything of value out of his reach. That is my best hope of getting a dissolution.... We shall see.

Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad to read this, NewMom. The D/S crew really knows its stuff. Sounds like you're in good hands with your lawyer, too.

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

Posts: 40249 | Registered: Aug 2011
♂ 40257
Member # 40257
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excellent topic NM02220 !

I like your quote about keeping cards close to your chest. I am a poker player. I was thinking one night that a metaphor of what I'm dealing with here (the wayward one), is to play it out like a poker game. Watch for the bluffs, the bets, the outs. Bet, call, check, or fold. And that said, I have lotsa trump cards I haven't even come close to pulling out yet, but they're there if or when I need them (hopefully I don't, but I tell my self, beware!).

Surviving Separation/Divorce IS a different beast than the infidelity. To this day, I still find it amazing that I should have to ""survive"" ANY of this bullshit. I, and my two sons did not deserve this. But, soldier on!

Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kept wanting to see the man I married in the man who mistreated the mother of his child and left her and a 10 day old baby high and dry.

It takes us all a while to believe what our eyes are seeing. Especially if we've become master gaslighters of ourselves during the course of the M.

You and your son are safe and surrounded by support. That is all that matters.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 6008 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
♀ 28622
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I freaking LOVE this post!!

You are the poster child for what NO CONTACT can do for you.

I am so proud of you.

Me: 45, independent, happy, despite parallel parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 15 DS 12
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 7052 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
♀ 35617
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is great! You're on your way!! Very proud of your strength. It's all about you and your son now!! Yay :)

Update 01/21/17
Me - BS, 46
Him - WH, 48
Married - 23 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me still
Separated 03/2014 (he moved out of state for job)
Tried and tried and failed long distance 09/2015
Have no idea

Posts: 236 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
♀ 38541
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NewMom, you have come so far in such a short space of time.

You, my darling, are amazing. What an incredible role model for your son.

Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
♀ 27071
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really good to read your post, New Mom. You have the advantage of SI and the wealth of experience that comes with it. Your moving back home was a smart move, the BEST move. You went from defense to offense in quick time. It's far better to ACT than to REACT. I spent several months reacting and it got me nowhere; the abyss only grew. You're on your way to a better place. Continue to place your son and yourself at the top of your list. Kudos to you, New Mom !

D-Day: 8/28/2009
BW: 59 @ D-Day XH: 60 @ D-Day Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
Beyond terror is freedom. (Agnes Martin)

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri
Topic Posts: 10

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