My question is this.. has anyone used the same IC as their WS? Did you find this beneficial?
We went to MC for about 9 mos and feel like we learned all we could from him. Our issues are now more centered on our own behaviors and reactions. With that said, there may come a time when MC would be an option again to use what we learned in IC in our marriage. The IC that I am going to see also does MC so I thought maybe I should encourage my WH to go to him also with the belief that if MC ever occurred we could use him and he would have a good background on us that my be helpful in MC??
FWW and I used the same person for IC for both of us and for MC. In our situation it has worked very well. I believe that having the IC/MC able to see and understand the full picture is a part of the success.
A couple of years prior to dday I believed FWW was involved in an A (she was), but she and a well-meaning friend convinced me it might all be in my head. I went to an IC at that time to work on the anxiety I was having, and then worked through some of my issues. All told I did about 10-12 sessions over 6 months or so. I was vey impressed with his manner and skills.
After dday, I figured FWW and I should see a MC to work on being civil through our D, and my former IC seemed like the obvious person to me. FWW was concerned that he would "take my side", but I did not care much about her opinions at the time.
He was good as a MC (first thing he said was that FWW’s A’s were not about me), and FWW also felt comfortable with him. She ended up seeing him for IC, he has her permission to talk with me about her sessions. We are going currently for MC, but it is really more IC for her on her issues. With our history he really knows each of us and our M well.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.
H is starting with our MC/ my IC for his IC. (???) I know what I mean!
Anyway, his original IC was ok for him, I guess, it got him started but everything h came home with after his session was BS. I think it may have done us some harm.
Even h said this morning that his original IC minimized what I was going through, told him I was over reacting, in too much pain and it was not normal.
I know our MC so I trust him. That in itself is huge for all of us right now, trust.
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
I attempted R, he was a lie
She almost took me on as a client for IC after D-Day. Just before she was going to call me to say 'yes', we both realized if we went through with R, being MC and IC to both of us would be OK, but if R didn't work out, there was going to be a conflict of interest between W & I. She referred me to someone else.
Recently I became aware of other issues that I need to work on, and she took me on as a client - it's pretty clear my W's interests and mine don't conflict after 2+ years of R.
Be very careful in hiring someone in 2 roles. Be even more careful in hiring someone for all 3 roles. You need someone who is loyal to you. Your W needs someone who is loyal to her. You both need someone who is loyal to your M. Not many people can do that all at once.
I think if we can make it work then we can avoid IC making the relationship/BS the enemy. I know that this can be a pitfall when the IC is only seeing one of the people in the relationship. We both have our own issues to work on but a big part of that is how we relate to those we are in relationships with.