SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

bizzygirl posted 10/8/2013 10:16 AM

I am starting IC and so is my FWH. We have held off on this until now but realize that we should do this for ourselves as well as our continued R.

My question is this.. has anyone used the same IC as their WS? Did you find this beneficial?
We went to MC for about 9 mos and feel like we learned all we could from him. Our issues are now more centered on our own behaviors and reactions. With that said, there may come a time when MC would be an option again to use what we learned in IC in our marriage. The IC that I am going to see also does MC so I thought maybe I should encourage my WH to go to him also with the belief that if MC ever occurred we could use him and he would have a good background on us that my be helpful in MC??

atsenaotie posted 10/8/2013 10:27 AM

Hi bizzygirl,

FWW and I used the same person for IC for both of us and for MC. In our situation it has worked very well. I believe that having the IC/MC able to see and understand the full picture is a part of the success.

A couple of years prior to dday I believed FWW was involved in an A (she was), but she and a well-meaning friend convinced me it might all be in my head. I went to an IC at that time to work on the anxiety I was having, and then worked through some of my issues. All told I did about 10-12 sessions over 6 months or so. I was vey impressed with his manner and skills.

After dday, I figured FWW and I should see a MC to work on being civil through our D, and my former IC seemed like the obvious person to me. FWW was concerned that he would "take my side", but I did not care much about her opinions at the time.

He was good as a MC (first thing he said was that FWW’s A’s were not about me), and FWW also felt comfortable with him. She ended up seeing him for IC, he has her permission to talk with me about her sessions. We are going currently for MC, but it is really more IC for her on her issues. With our history he really knows each of us and our M well.

sudra posted 10/8/2013 10:30 AM

My husband and I used the same counselor for our IC and MC. Worked great. He is wonderful.

Kelany posted 10/8/2013 10:37 AM

Yes, we have the same IC and MC. Works very well for us, we have an awesome therapist.

Scubachick posted 10/8/2013 10:38 AM

I've been with the same counselor for over 10 years and now my husband is using him for IC and MC. It works out great because my counselor already knows so much about my FOO issues and has a good idea of my husbands before he even started. My husband trusts him and values his opinion from all the years he has been working with me.

HardenMyHeart posted 10/8/2013 10:42 AM

My wife and I used the same MC for IC and it worked out well for us.

cantaccept posted 10/8/2013 10:45 AM

H had his own IC and my IC was also our MC.

H is starting with our MC/ my IC for his IC. (???) I know what I mean!

Anyway, his original IC was ok for him, I guess, it got him started but everything h came home with after his session was BS. I think it may have done us some harm.

Even h said this morning that his original IC minimized what I was going through, told him I was over reacting, in too much pain and it was not normal.

I know our MC so I trust him. That in itself is huge for all of us right now, trust.

OldCow18 posted 10/8/2013 11:15 AM

We are both using the same person for IC also. We had been to her about 2 years ago for WH's anger issues and got to know and like her. I like that she knew our history and I like that going to the same person means she is hearing both sides of the story, even if we are separate. Years and years ago WH was in counseling, again for anger management, with a person I never spoke with and I never once believed he was 100% honest with her about the extent of his anger, so I am much more comfortable with this. Keeps us both from painting one side of the story, kwim? She will share certain things about me to him and him to me that are helpful to the situation, but I still feel anything I say in confidence is absolutely kept that way. After we work on ourselves for a bit longer we plan to get on the couch together and graduate to MC.

sisoon posted 10/8/2013 14:35 PM

My W's IC became our MC, for 2 reasons. First, she was able to see us on D-Day. Second, and more important, in that first session she was very supportive to me and very confrontative towards my W. I had been in therapy previously, and I liked what I experienced.

She almost took me on as a client for IC after D-Day. Just before she was going to call me to say 'yes', we both realized if we went through with R, being MC and IC to both of us would be OK, but if R didn't work out, there was going to be a conflict of interest between W & I. She referred me to someone else.

Recently I became aware of other issues that I need to work on, and she took me on as a client - it's pretty clear my W's interests and mine don't conflict after 2+ years of R.

Be very careful in hiring someone in 2 roles. Be even more careful in hiring someone for all 3 roles. You need someone who is loyal to you. Your W needs someone who is loyal to her. You both need someone who is loyal to your M. Not many people can do that all at once.

bizzygirl posted 10/8/2013 14:47 PM

Thanks for all the replies. I have not spoken with my WH about it yet and not sure if he will be open to it.

I think if we can make it work then we can avoid IC making the relationship/BS the enemy. I know that this can be a pitfall when the IC is only seeing one of the people in the relationship. We both have our own issues to work on but a big part of that is how we relate to those we are in relationships with.