So, I said, "We have no friends nor relatives in Blank_Town". He says, "so why does she want me to go there, and where is it?". I said it's about 5 or 6 hour drive from here." He was so confused. He said "Mom tells me we can go there and go ATV'ing and motorbiking, and eat turkey dinner, but when I keep asking her who these people are, she doesn't answer me. Just keeps telling me about the ATV's and Bikes". He was getting PO'd at her. (Their communication was all done via text).
So....I said to him, "Would you like the truth?" He says ya. So, I told him that this place in Blank_Town is where "dad's replacement is". He says waddyamean. I civilly told him the truth about her goings-ons over the past 5 months, without all the details, but enough to let him know. He went silent (still in my truck), and he had his head turned toward the passenger window. I asked if he was ok, and was totally crushed when I saw tears falling onto his coat and bouncing onto his lap. I'm tough, I handle a lot of shit. but when someone, ANYONE, hurts my kids like that, not only was I angry once again, I was so emotional, I could barely drive. I had to pull over.
He says, "I hate her". I asked if he was ok, we could turn back, and he said NO, I wanna go to the "sporting event". After he composed himself again, we carried on and I said, "If you have any questions, anything, you can talk to me". So he asked a couple more things, and the rest of the evening, he carried on with sports, friends, etc.
One thing he said to me was, "Mom always goes and does stupid stuff and then it's always someone else's fault". THIS KID IS A GENIUS. That quote so clarified who she has been over the years.
He told her, "No, I'm staying with Dad" (told her this b4 he found out about Loser). He also told her, "Why should I travel 6 hours to be with someone I don't know or care about?" Her "wise" response was "Well son, that's how you meet new people". !!! Really?! So basically, she was gonna drive him all the way down there, and then Surprise! Here's the Hero I've been fucking and ruining yours and dad's life with! 6 goddam hours away to boot. So he woulda been "trapped" there, and emotionally, unpredictable. Wow.
But I remember well, when I read their Facebook messages on D-day, How "they'll get over it". These waywards and their losers have NO CLUE how damaging their crap is to others. It's a fairy-tale farce.
My poor boy. My mind was effed up big-time last night.
I'm so sorry. You had to tell.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
And thank you to SI for allowing us to vent and share. We are all in this together!
And yes, my youngest son now knows. WW was SUPPOSED to tell him. My gut told me last night it was time. Now, I watch the drama unfold (hers...rolling my eyes). Yes she hurt me to the core, but to hurt your own son's (or daughter's) sense of family and security...for no damn good reason! THAT's the part that hurts me the most. and speaking of reason, she just cannot come up with anything, besides "I'm just so messed up". Or "It's everything". Huh?
Keep talking to him. He may have trouble wrapping his head around the truth for a while, but he may at the same time also have trouble with his emotional reaction to that truth.
Let him know that his feelings are OK, that you've had time to process your feelings but this is new and raw for him.
Don't let him clam up and pretend he's "fine", let him know some stuff may take a while to process and when he's ready to talk you are there. He can bring it up at anytime with you.
Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.
Ya I know what you mean. Last night he also said that when he was "visiting" with mom a couple weeks ago, he hit the screen on her iphone that was lying around to see the time, and saw a picture of a guy with his arm around her on a bridge. He was wondering who that guy was. So I think he was kinda suspicious.
And, lol, he asked me when I found out about Loser, and I told him how I accidentally saw mom's facebook open and saw the messages (over 1000) they were writing and if he remembered that one night where he came up to me (when I had just made the discovery) and I kinda half shut the laptop and told him I needed a few more minutes. He remembered and thot I was surfing porn or something!! LOL. No son, was just surfing your mom's adultery evidence that night! ( I didn't say THAT though!).
When I had the gut-wrenching "truth talk" with my DS20 it very nearly killed me. He was blindsided and the truth (not me saying anything negative about his dad) knocked his father off the pedestal of respectability DS had him on. His tears and anguish tore me apart.
Just keep letting him know you will answer any of his questions honestly and you will always be there for him. My kids have told me numerous times how appreciative of that they are. If our WSs didn't want their parental reputation damaged, they should not have engaged in such piss poor behavior.
Good job jackfish!
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet
Ya, b4 his event, we were in the parking lot sitting there for a few minutes and I said something like this to him calmly. "Son, I will never stand in the way of yours and mom's relationship, unless there were circumstances where I had to. You can talk to me, ask me Q's, vent, whatever you want, and WHENEVER you want. I will listen to you about anything...school, girls, friends, family, problems...anything, bad or good. And if you need help, I may not be able to always solve things, or at least not right away, but I will help you any way I can."
Pretty close to that. He said ok. And we were good.
When I read that part in your post and all those feeling came back. The disappoint, the confusion, the anger you feel that they did this to your dad or mom, the fear of a new person, the feelings of having to chose (kids do that sometimes)and just knowing NOTHING WILL BE THE SAME. Life as you knew it is gone.
When my wh did it to me, I went right back to those rejected and abandoned feelings. It was like I was a little girl again with my emotions.
And as for my brother, he still holds on to what she did til this day, He is 44. And I am the people please.
If parents only knew what they instill in their kids by their selfish behavior I don't know if they would do it. But they all think "kids will get over it" and yes they seem to but it sticks with them, and may come out when they are adults.. Its call FOO issuses.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"
Honestly, I was so blindsided I don't even remember what I said when I told my kids, then 16, 17 and 18. (The 17 year old was his DD who is not close to him, but very close to my kids). It was such an explosion of craziness and I remember being calm, but I have no idea what I said.
((Hugs)) that's hard.
Status: D 2011
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling
Its the only button they have left to push. The times I see my girls hurting are the only times I taste the bitter thick black tar of loathing in my mouth. The pungent taste lessens as time go on. These days I'm much faster to whip into support mode rather than whip myself or him mode.
You did the right thing. Truth in an age-appropriate way. If you don't tell them they fill in the blanks themselves then will resent you for deceiving them.
She is a sneaky, underhanded, nasty piece of work. It is not at all fair to spring this on him and trap him like this. Just.Awful.