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How do you deal with the disregard?

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inshockandhurt posted 10/8/2013 12:05 PM

How do I do this? I am struggling today and recently with how I am supposed to live the rest of my life with someone who disrespected me so thoroughly for so many months. Yesterday was a hard day, much harder than I thought it would be. My sweet wonderful son turned three and I tried so hard to just enjoy the day and do what I am supposed to, not think about things that will just bring me down. I tried to smile and live in the moment, I succeeded almost all day and was even going to go to bed without incident. But when we went to bed we started getting intimate and all those little suppressed triggers throughout the day just coalesced and I lost it. I am not sure if I have ever cried so hard in my life, I think I scared WH, and myself a little bit.

Today I am soooo sad and angry. Let me tell you about last year at this time and why I am so upset. I keep going over the details of last year and I just canít stop. The OW has the same exact birthday as my son (damn her) and last year I thought she was my best friend so I tried to be a good friend; I agonized over what present to buy her, discussed it with my husband (who unbeknownst to me gave her a book as her birthday gift) and we all went to the mall to buy the gift I decided on. Then I even baked her her favorite kind of cupcakes. I baked my husbandís whore cupcakes for her birthday, he watched me do this and said not one word about how she didnít fucking deserve it, nor did he say anything while I was wrapping his whoreís birthday gift.

Then on the actual day of the shared birthday we made plans to go to Chuck E. Cheese and let our son play and have a little family party there. I called the OW to see if she wanted to come over after the party to hang out with my husband and I. I didnít want her to come to my sonís party, I just wanted it to be family, but as usual, she guilt-tripped me (she was very good at that) into letting her come to the party and I was not at all happy about it. The stupid whore always had a tendency of acting very emo and bringing everyone down so I didnít want her there. Even knowing that I didnít want her there and that I only gave in to letting her come because I was trying to be nice, a good friend, my husband said nothing. He once again didnít tell me that she was not my friend and I shouldnít bother being nice to her, instead he allowed his whore to come to our sonís birthday party.

Despite her presence we had so much fun that day, who doesnít have fun watching an excited two-year old? We took pictures and played games as a family, we had cake and joked about the really cheesy decorations; I felt so in love, with my husband and our little family, I thought everything was perfect.

Now looking back on it, it all just seems so horrible that I was the smiling, clueless fool who sat by and hung out with two people who were spitting on me and treating me worse than dirt. There are so many memories like this from last year. I had no idea what was going on and I thought last year was such a perfect one, I felt so in love, our son was so cute everything seemed happy.
I know logically that I am remembering things as better than they were but how do I reconcile that feeling with what the truth was? How? And why? Why, even if they were crazily madly hopelessly in love with each other and just couldnít live without each other ((which according to WH was not the case) did they have to do that to me? A relationship between them I can almost understand, but the lies, the deceit and the disrespect, the absolute disregard for me as a thinking feeling human being is what I cannot comprehend. And I wonder, what does this level of disregard for me say about my husband? I know about the fog of an affair and all that and how it makes a person act in a dismissive and hurtful way toward their spouse but it is still so hard to stomach.

Does anyone else struggle with this? I am sure you all do. How are you coping with it? How did you live with staying with someone who has treated you this way? I am so sad and angry and worried that I will never be able to truly reconcile and for some reason, despite everything that is what I want to do; I still love my husband. Anyway, sorry this was so long, I hope some of you have some insight or even just commiseration. Thank you to whoever reads this.

WhatsRight posted 10/8/2013 12:12 PM

I don't really have any answers for you, but I know what it is like to be disregarded.


inshockandhurt posted 10/8/2013 12:23 PM

Thank you WhatsRight, it helps to know I am not alone in my thoughts.

Sadwife222 posted 10/8/2013 12:37 PM

I feel just like you do. How could he treat me as if I were garbage?! I know he's not who I thought he was. I'm having a hard time feeling good about "us" anymore, especially, since I'm almost certain he continues to lie and minimize what happened.
I told him this morning that I can't fully participate in R until he fully participates in honesty.
We don't have children in our home so I'm beginning to detach...not a good thing for a marriage.

sparklezombie posted 10/8/2013 13:32 PM

I know how you feel. WH slept with OW while I was pregnant (I didn't know this was still going on). He called her while our newborn was in the NICU and he slept with her the first day I went back to work (he stayed home with daughter). Then he said this weekend how he looks back on her newborn days with fondness , even though it was a hard time. WTH? Seriously? He was a total ass when she was born, refused to help, thought I was asking too much when I asked him to take a night feeding even though I was back working too. And on top of that he was still sleeping with skankmonkey. But yeah, fondness and oh it was so rough for him. My feelings are totally disregarded and he doesn't even see that.

Hugs mama - enjoy your baby boy and disregard the husband for now.

Holly-Isis posted 10/8/2013 13:33 PM

I honestly don't know. I think I usually bury it then the reality will rear it's ugly head sometimes and the truth is there...this is unacceptable.

Like you, I have memories of an OW hanging out with us. It adds another layer of...astonish is all I can say. To be completely in shock that not one but two people can sit by your side, pretending they are part of your safe circle and instead they are your biggest danger.

All I can say is someone something they don't deserve. Because I can't imagine a time or place that such actions would be acceptable.

inshockandhurt posted 10/8/2013 13:47 PM

not one but two people can sit by your side, pretending they are part of your safe circle and instead they are your biggest danger.

This is exactly how I feel about it too, how could they both sit there, smiling laughing and lying to my face? It makes me feel like such garbage.

@ sparklezombie: Thank you, I am going to try, I am having a hard time with this pregnancy and am worried so much about it. My last pregnancy I was happy all the time, it was the product of a loving happy marriage and my husband was awesome during it and the first few months of our son's life, even helping me to breastfeed when I could barely keep my eyes open after my c-section. He was amazing and I am having such trouble reconciling that caring man with the one who fucked my "best friend" for 6 months behind my back. I feel weird about this pregnancy, whereas the last one was a planned result of a loving marriage, this one is the product of a broken unhappy marriage and hysterical bonding. It is all just so different. I am trying to be happy about but I am just so sad all the time.

crazyblindsided posted 10/8/2013 14:41 PM

I cry every time because no matter what it is always there, the fact that I was disregarded and not just once.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 2:41 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

tushnurse posted 10/8/2013 14:58 PM

You have to acknowledge that you were happy, you were doing what you were supposed to do, focus on your family, and love your child, and create a happy place for him. You should be proud for that.

Here's the tricky part, what they did, and how they went about it, that is all on them. You didnt know. Your H was all caught up in his fantasy world, and couldn't even begin to admit what he had done, so he just pretended that all was well. Who knows what she was thinking, obviously a very broken, sad human to that to a best friend.

I liken my H's behavior during the A, as that not really being who he was. He had changed in so many ways, he was not the guy I fell in love with, or the guy that I married, and decided to have kids with, he was this other person, a stranger, who was sad and angry all the time, I offered my love and support, it wasn't what he needed, or chose to accept.

Now in the present, he is no longer that person, he is kind, loving, and focused on his family, I love this man very much. So I can let go of all the lies, hurtful things he said and did, because he was so broken, so lost, that he was someone completely different then.

It works for me....Not sure a therapist would say I'm right, but hey I found my way to happy again, so WTH.

Oh and Happy Birthday to your wee one.

inshockandhurt posted 10/9/2013 14:45 PM

Thank you for your reply tushnurse. I read your profile. It is so nice to hear that there is someone out there who has gone through this and truly feels that they are happy despite it. I am so afraid that I will not get over this. I read what you said about feeling that your husband was not his true self during the affair and I hope that is true of my husband but I worry that it is not and I am just fooling myself. I believe that my husband is a good man but what if I am wrong and he breaks my heart again? How did you do it? Trust again? Especially after broken NC? My husband swears that he is not in contact with the OW and on the surface I believe him but I have so much fear that it makes me doubt he is telling the truth and then I worry that maybe he is not in contact with her, but what about another woman? My husband conducted most of his affair on his lunchtimes at work and so taking comfort in him staying close to home doesn't really help. He doesn't usually go anywhere without me and our son, when he is not at work we always hang out together, and so I used think that there was no way he could be having an affair because, when would he be doing it? But then I found out about the lunchtimes and that his morning gym trips were really to go see her. I feel so lost.

[This message edited by inshockandhurt at 2:47 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

betraydtwice posted 10/10/2013 12:03 PM

Inshock, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I took OW shopping for her birthday, H would send me to get her things at store etc. What terrible people, sitting there and laughing at me for months. It's a hard thing to get over. VERY HARD :(

tushnurse posted 10/10/2013 12:50 PM

How did you do it? Trust again? Especially after broken NC? My husband swears that he is not in contact with the OW and on the surface I believe him but I have so much fear that it makes me doubt he is telling the truth and then I worry that maybe he is not in contact with her, but what about another woman?

This was a very hard one. Believe me I did not blindly trust, and in fact am not a fan of the phrase I see on here "trust but verify" Screw that, dont trust, and make sure he knows you don't trust, and why. I was the Queen of Snoopsville for many months. I wrote down mileage, his A was conducted in another city. I dug through his work bag at least twice a week, I had a keylogger on the laptop, I had weekly searches of his vehicle, looking for secret phones, or anything else that may indicate he wasn't being a good boy. I was relentless, I can remember one night in particular when I couldn't sleep, and something was niggling at me there was more going on, I went out and searched the garage, which looks similar to something out of hoarders, in the middle of the night when it was 30 degrees out.
It took a million trillion billion times of looking and not finding anything for me to slowly build my trust back, and interesting thing happened along the way too, I started to get strong, and focus on me, and suddenly at 1.5 year mark, I knew I would be ok no matter how this played out, and that He knew with absolute certainty that if he ever did it again, and I caught him I was done. I came to a level of acceptance that allowed me to let go, and realize I could not make him do, or not do anything. That was all on him.

He of course was not the mean arrogant, nitpicking prick he had been from the time the A started anymore. After the time I handed him my ring and told him to go, and he had his moment of clarity, and the real breakthrough, boo hoo snot running down his face moment, he started becoming the man I knew again, he made up his mind at that point that i had given him a huge gift, and he was going to make sure everyday that I was glad I made that choice by being the man he could be.

So I learned to trust that it wouldn't happen again whenn I really saw the changes happening in him. He was kind, loving, fun, and focused on his wife, family, and self. Everything else ran a distant second.
So yah I highly doubt there will ever be another woman, but I also know that if there is, I am done, and walking away, and will be perfectly fine, because that would be his to own, no reflection on me, or us.

inshockandhurt posted 10/12/2013 20:38 PM

Thank you tushnurse, I really appreciate your advice. I am having a hard time lately. I read your post and one thing I am having a hard time with is that in my case, my husband didn't really act any different, he was still loving and kind; I mean when it first started between them I remember that we got into a few more fights than usual but other than that I didn't have a clue. In fact, last Christmas was the best one we have ever spent together, or at least that was what I thought at the time. Though he says by that point he was done with her and just couldn't figure out how to get away from her; he says she was threatening suicide and that she would tell me and he was afraid I would leave when I found out. Anyway, thank you for your advice, I am checking his phone and his email, well the one I have access to anyway, the one that was used for the affair is a closed circuit at his work that I am unable to check. Checking his phone doesn't help much either because I know he was diligent about erasing the texts last time, since I used to check sometimes before I found out. I am trying to trust though. Affair season seems to be the worst, was that your experience too? I keep thinking about this time last year...

Ostrich80 posted 10/13/2013 03:45 AM

The disregard is one of my biggest issues. Ow wasn't a good friend but I was around her a lot. I can't believe I sat next to someone so many times and the whole time she was f**king my husband. It makes me sick that he put me in that sich. How fun for her to.have the little secret while speaking to me. Grrr makes me pissed all over. I feel like he totally hung me out to dry on that one.

inshockandhurt posted 10/13/2013 14:50 PM

I can't believe I sat next to someone so many times and the whole time she was f**king my husband.

This is exactly what gets me. I keep flashing on all the times we were all sitting there hanging out together and both of them were betraying me and I didn't know. One in particular has been haunting me lately; Last August, like two weeks after it started between them, we went to WH's parents house for dinner and the OW came with us. I keep thinking about the car-ride together and how they both sat there in the car and laughed and joked and talked with me as if nothing at all was going on. And then later at dinner she interacted with my husbands family, my family, took cutsy pictures with my sister-in-law and he let her, and neither of them acted as if they were bothered or ashamed at all. It just makes me so sad, the 6 months of lies is the worst.

Ostrich80 posted 10/14/2013 01:41 AM

I keep thinking, did I miss a look between them, why didnt I catch it. I know there was an attraction, I saw that with her, I even warned him to watch it ...she just didn't seem like his type and I trusted him. She was the one I didn't trust.

inshockandhurt posted 10/14/2013 02:17 AM

I feel stupid because I didn't miss the looks or the flirting, I knew he was attracted to her and she to him but instead of getting her gone from our lives for good I just chose to trust. I don't know, maybe it was a test, if it was it is one he failed miserably. I had countless conversations with him where he promised me he would never do that to me. Well, when the time came to uphold that promise he didn't even hesitate to break it. I am so sad and angry lately that I don't know what to do.

Thessalian posted 10/14/2013 02:25 AM

Sorry, double post

[This message edited by Thessalian at 10:25 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

Thessalian posted 10/14/2013 02:26 AM

inshock, I completely, completely understand. I actually just said to my WH last night that it scares me that he acted exactly the same towards me during the affair as he's acting now - sweet, kind, generous, loving. I never had any idea.

And I also had a very similar situation to yours. My WH did some arty projects with OW, and I often came out to see them. Worse, WH and OW were not the only ones that knew, over 6 other people, all of whom I would see and hang out with at these events, knew. WH let me stand in a circle of people who were all in on it, and smile and ask them about their lives.

It's disgusting.

After the affair was over, I found out that OW was also screwing another guy in a committed relationship, who also knew my WH. I flashed back to the time that me, OW, WH AND THIS OTHER GUY all went to lunch together. I was the only one at the table who had no idea what was going on. WH knew he was screwing OW. The other guy knew he was screwing OW. And OW just SAT THERE eating burritos at a table with the two dudes she was banging, one of whom was in a 5-year relationship with another poor girl who is also his business partner, one of whom was WH, and with me, WH's wife. How messed up is that?

[This message edited by Thessalian at 2:32 AM, October 14th (Monday)]

BeautifulEmpty posted 10/14/2013 05:45 AM

I could have written this...right down to chuck e. cheese. I didn't bake her cupcakes though and in my case, her bday is two days before mine but every single other
I'm trying not to trigger as today has been almost ok but I hear you...

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