SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

cantgoback posted 10/8/2013 13:03 PM

I am not sure if there is anything I can do. I am the WS. I have a sexual addiction that leads me to porn and "cheating" websites. I have never met anyone for sex outside of my marriage. My addiction caused me to ignore the family - to withdraw from them. I finally realized that I had a problem when she said we are done. I know she is quite decided on divorce, but this is the last thing I want to happen in my life. Is there anything I can do to save my marriage?

lieshurt posted 10/8/2013 13:05 PM

Have you sought professional help for your issues? If not, I would start there. She can't have faith in you if you aren't proactively doing anything to address your issues.

Nature_Girl posted 10/8/2013 13:13 PM

When I was done with my sex addict husband I was done in every sense of the word. There was nothing he could do to win me back (not that he ever tried).

Most spouses of sex addicts have at the least co-dependent or enabling tendencies. It takes a lot, a LOT, to get us to give up & seek divorce. We bend over backwards, we sell our souls, we give up who we are as human beings, in an attempt to save our marriage. For us to be pushed to the point that we are done is truly monumental.

HurtsButImOK posted 10/8/2013 13:13 PM

The only thing you can control is you. Unfortunately divorce may be the consequence you face because of your betrayal.

I have never met anyone for sex outside of my marriage.

This sounds like you are minimising. In my situation it was not the sex it was the continual lies that killed any respect or love for him. Betrayal is betrayal, PA or not, it still hurts and by design kills relationships.

My addiction caused me to ignore the family

Whilst the first step to any addiction is admitting you have one this reads as blameshifting and not accepting responsibility. You acknowledge you have a problem now you need to do the work to fix yourself.

You might not be able to save your marriage but you can chose to be a better person who is a safe person in future relationships. Whether that is with your wife or not. At the end of the day you will be the one who has to live with YOU. Who do you want to be?

Missymomma posted 10/8/2013 13:23 PM

She might very well be done, that is a consequence of your choices. For yourself find a CSAT and go to SA meetings. Really, do you want to continue to live the hellish life that you are?

gonnabe2016 posted 10/8/2013 13:39 PM

CGB, it's been 5 years since you registered here. 5 years! I'm going to assume that you've continued with the porn and cheating websites and the insistence that it was *ok* because you weren't cheating EVEN THOUGH your BW was indicating that your behavior was a problem. You waited until she finally is backed into a corner and says that "she's done", to even acknowledge that there's a problem.

And now that you realize that you have an issue, your first question isn't over in WayWard looking for guidance on how to go about tackling fixing *you* -- it's here. Asking how to save your marriage.

Dude, she's probably at the point where she wouldn't pee on you if you were on fire. Heck. She'd most likely give the firemen the wrong location. I'm really sorry and I take no joy in saying those words to you. But man. The only thought that's in my head is that perhaps you should have acted as if divorce was the last thing you wanted.....sooner. I'm sure that your BW has been giving you the *heads-up warning* that if you continued your behavior that a divorce was going to happen. Why didn't you believe her?

IMO, you can't want to save the marriage, you have to want to save *you* and make yourself a better and safer partner. You can't stop her from filing for a D. Even if she does file for D, the process doesn't necessarily have to end in a final divorce. The process can be suspended or stopped at any time.

Put your energy into fixing you and let the chips fall where they may....

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 1:41 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

cantgoback posted 10/8/2013 13:45 PM

I am attending SA meetings and I see a therapist. We are still living together but she posted that she hates it. I don't know what I should do but I sure don't want to give up on my marriage!

My behavior has been on and off for the last 5 years. Mostly off until the last year. I should have thought of the ultimate consequence, but did not. I am not asking for anyone to feel sorry for me, and I am working hard at changing my ways. I never realized the power of my addiction....

[This message edited by cantgoback at 1:52 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

Nature_Girl posted 10/8/2013 13:53 PM

Dude, did you do this?

FROM YOUR WIFE'S PROFILE: I also found he attempted to put me up on craigstlist for free.

[i]to a good home: Wife, used twice, does not wish to be used anymore. Great cook, excellent cleaning, will deal well with awful relatives. [/i]

For real? And you're here asking for help in this forum? RYFKM?

HurtsButImOK posted 10/8/2013 14:00 PM

I never realized the power of my addiction....

Again I will state just stop, stop playing the 'whoa as me card'. You did this (repeatedly) and only you can fix you.

You seem to think you only now have an 'addiction' because she has finally decided divorce is the only option left to her.

2x4 - I don't see any remorse in your posts, only a pity party that consequences to your stable and secure life are now threatened.

courageous posted 10/8/2013 14:05 PM

It doesn't sound like you have been doing anything to make your wife feel safe with you.

That CL post is a huge sign of disrespect. Do you really love your wife or is she just a piece of convenient meat for you?

Why have you gone back to your old ways?

cantgoback posted 10/8/2013 14:07 PM

I do have great remorse. I realize I caused my wife a great deal of pain. I wish I could take everything I ever did and throw it in the trash, but I can't.

I went back to my old ways of trolling the internet when I got the sense that she no longer wanted to be with me (this was about a year ago, and she was not thinking of divorce then). I was wrong to go there, thinking that somehow my addiction would help solve all of the hurt I thought I was feeling. The truth is I have done nothing to deserve her - she is not just a piece of meat to me, I love her but never did the things I needed to do to make her feel loved.

[This message edited by cantgoback at 2:14 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

hangingontohope7 posted 10/8/2013 14:10 PM

I finally realized that I had a problem when she said we are done.

Gently, are you realizing that you have problem or are you just worried that the status quo is about to change?

My STBXWH knew after the first A that if I found he cheated again that our marriage was over. Guess what? He cheated again. And, I had to leave. I couldn't stay and keep living the life that he wanted to force on me. Your BW has reached the point where your continued betrayals are just too much.

Focus on you. Let her focus on what is best for her and accept the fact that what she feels is best for her may not include being married to you anymore.

HurtsButImOK posted 10/8/2013 14:12 PM

so what does your remorse look like? What actions have backed up your words?

It is not coming through here, not to say it doesn't exist. You don't have to reply, its really a question for yourself to answer to you and your wife.

Just saw your ETA so ETA of my own - You have not fixed the poor coping skills you had so it is understandable that your wife does not feel safe. My questions if I was your BS would be - why is it different THIS time, why should I believe you THIS time.

[This message edited by HurtsButImOK at 2:17 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

Nature_Girl posted 10/8/2013 14:24 PM

My husband used to say out loud that he acknowledged he caused me pain, that he did things he shouldn't have done. His words didn't mean diddly-squat.

Oh, in the beginning I believed him. He could cry on demand. He LOOKED remorseful. He made all kinds of promises. I believed him for years. I fell for it every damn time. All the while, though, he was taking advantage of my trusting nature. He knew that I felt morally bound to forgive him when he asked for it. He knew that my nature was to always look for the best in people, believe the best of people, want to offer chances again & again.

He used me up. He lied to me again & again. He gaslit me to the point where I questioned my own sanity. He minimized what he did, tried to reframe reality, engaged in impression management.

Based on what your wife has written, it sounds like you've treated her just as shitty as my husband treated me in regards to abusing trust, lies, deliberate deception, and disrespect.

Yeah, I think you're done.

Softcentre posted 10/8/2013 14:44 PM

I went back to my old ways of trolling the internet when I got the sense that she no longer wanted to be with me

You're still blame shifting. This isn't remorse. Youwent back to trolling the internet because you wanted to,because you chose to, because it's your default shoddy coping mechanism and because you haven't done the work on yourself. NOT because of anything she did or you thought she did.

After all you've done to her,and the lack of work you've done on yourself after all this time. I'm guessing she really is done.

You had chance after chance and you blew it.

cantgoback posted 10/8/2013 14:51 PM

I am not looking to blame shift,I am really bad at writing on the internet. This is nothing but my fault. I screwed up, I made a bad set of choices, and I have to live with them.

I chose to troll the internet. Period. It was the wrong choice. It is not her fault how I felt inside, my actions are my own fault. I have delusions about how people feel about me.

HurtsButImOK posted 10/8/2013 14:57 PM

Again, I will restate - what are you doing to deal with your 'delusions'? Hand wringing and a pity party don't solve the problem. You need to look deep into yourself. That shit is hard but worth it. Do it for you.

gonnabe2016 posted 10/8/2013 14:57 PM

I think that it is a positive step that you are in treatment. Keep working at it.
And let go of the marriage outcome. Worrying about that is only going to distract you and work against your therapy.

hangingontohope7 posted 10/8/2013 15:07 PM

Perhaps it would be beneficial to you to post in the Wayward forum. There is a great deal of insight to be gained there, if you're ready and willing to listen.

courageous posted 10/8/2013 15:10 PM

I went back to my old ways of trolling the internet when I got the sense that she no longer wanted to be with me (this was about a year ago, and she was not thinking of divorce then).

So what I here you say is... When you didn't get what you want out of her you decided that she wasn't worth being faithful for. How is that showing her you love her? If something is worth having/keeping it's worth fighting for and protecting.

When a person in a marriages only reacts to how the other person is treating them and not maintaining a loving standard of care for their spouse the marriage will fail.

I'm going to give you some very simple advice... They teach it to my son in his public school first grade class. I wish more kids were taught this...

Do unto others have you would have them do unto you.