Its something I wish I had done when I found out. Instead of confront w things I knew wait until I had a whole wealth of knowledge to confront.
Got my answer...now what??
I'd have him take a polygraph to very the truth and then go from there.
Wonderful people on here say 'Trust but verify!' That's hard when there's no way to verify.
So sorry, not knowing is the worst
Where there is a will there is a way. I did not stop until I found what I knew was true in my gut and I struck gold with the info I found on them (WH and MOW). I straight blew their sh*t A into oblivion.
Befuzzled110, I thought that might be the case...that contacting her would give her power over me. She knows I know about her, and I like to think my silence is MY power. HA! Like I have any power in this.
Truly, I love that "Trust but verify." I won't feel guilty anymore for verifying everything.
The A is over...so WH says. I didn't find this site until well after D-Day, so I didn't get to be involved in NC. I don't know if it ended when he said it did. I didn't even know for sure who the Hell OP was until I made him find me SOMETHING to prove who it was, because I was losing my f-ing mind and couldn't function. I got that last week. I was just wondering if there was a way to "trust but verify" when there is only one casualty. I guess Lieshurt's suggestion of a polygraph is the only way...but he'll never agree to it.
Ugh...I hate that he has NO CONSEQUENCES!!!
Do not, I repeat, do not contact and "rely" on the single affair person. They have no reason to be honest with you, they live a fog of their own, and you give them a power that they do not deserve.
Agreed. I contacted the OW to see if she would verify my wBF's story. She did. She said it was only one night. And then he confessed later that it was more than one night. So they both lied to me.
Now that I know the truth about WHO I am dealing with we can return to MC; and hopefully the doubt will begin to subside. He is being very transparent. He knows that I have scrapped the 15 years we were married and removed my ring from my finger because I feel like every single aspect of this marriage was a lie. Despite this, he texts me hourly and doesn't hesitate to do the things I need him to do, i.e., calling me from his work phone when he goes in early or emailing a picture of where he says he is at that moment. He does everything I need him to do, all the while knowing that my decision to stay is subject to change at any given moment (and my mind does change daily).
Because of this, I have HOPE that we will survive. I know that I am one of the luckier ones with his efforts, and for that I am grateful. I was just looking for a way to verify NOW rather finding something out long after we do the heavy lifting and rebuild our relationship. I guess I have to start that 'trusting him' thing with this.
Thank you to everyone that weighed in. I truly appreciate everyone's opinions!!!!
If your gut is screaming that there was more than an EA or it went on longer than your WS is telling you or that there is more to it than he is telling you, then assume that your gut is correct. And start to check his phone and email every day. Unless his work requires secret security clearance, then he should be able to access his email from home. Same with the phone. For the email, you should expect the deleted folder to have some messages, email that is not important such as a company wide announcement of an org change that does not affect WS and/or stupid stuff like "Donuts in the conf room". If he deleted folder is always empty, then he is likely clearing it out so you cannot see what is there (the company may automatically clear the deleted folder, but probably not on a daily basis)
This falls into my NEW, guilt-free concept of "Trust but verify!" SO thankful to Truly for telling me that one!
I would never consider talkin with ow cuz they lie are unstable and it gives them attention. It is nothing and deserves nothing incl negative attention
[This message edited by whattheh at 5:08 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]
that contacting her would give her power over me. She knows I know about her, and I like to think my silence is MY power. HA! Like I have any power in this.
I don't believe that contacting the OW gives them power. It is how you carry yourself and how you approach it that maintains power. But if silence makes you feel more powerful, then go with that. My point is simply that contacting her doesn't automatically give her power. I met with OW and there was nothing in the way I approached her that was powerless or begging or anything. Plus, I didn't really care what she walked away thinking/feeling. She was irrelevant in my life, except as a source of information. While she may lie, she may also tell some truths. In my case, I was able to glean some info through the lies - there were certain things she said that lined up with various points in time (that I was able to recall) and it was a lightbulb.
Anyway, I think it is fine not to contact her - everyone has to do what feels right.
The VAR is a great idea. If they are still in contact - or communicating in order to get their stories straight (even though she doesn't have a BS, she may want to protect herself at work, etc.).
Lieshurt's suggestion of a polygraph is the only way...but he'll never agree to it.
If he won't agree to it and follow through with it, then you know he's still lying to you.