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What do I tell his friends?

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erzulie posted 10/8/2013 15:07 PM

Okay, here's a question for my panel of experts.

WH has 3 close friends (and their wives) - with whom I also have had close relationships these past 11 years. One of those friends is the one who married us ...

On D-Day, I sent a short text to the 3 of them; that text said nothing more than "I just want you to be aware that WH and I have separated, and that WH I believe would benefit from your support right now." No other details ...

So, yesterday, WH's friend texts me something to the effect of "we are praying for you both, and hoping that you two can find a way to make it work together." Now, a benign message undoubtedly, but to me, it is also a painful reminder that WH is not being honest with his closest friends. He, I believe, is instead casting himself as the victim in this drama - that I've booted him out of the house, I am the roadblock to our reconciliation, he was denied sex, etc. etc.

I'm not even sure I care about who is right or wrong - that is not the point. The point is - what do I tell these people? These people whom I care about, who care about me, who I stood in front of when I married WH, and who WROTE the vows they read at our wedding - vows I took very seriously and never would have broken?

I don't want to injure anyone any further - including our network of close friends, who have already become victims in this whole mess.

That said - I also don't want to sit quietly by and accept the b.s. that I believe they are being fed.

So - what do I tell them?

I am really struggling with this one.

[This message edited by erzulie at 3:07 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

Nature_Girl posted 10/8/2013 15:11 PM

You need to be honest in a simple manner. If you aren't honest then they will continue to be misled & lied to by your STBX. So what do you say? Simply say that he cheated on you. You don't have to provide gory details. You don't have to provide any details. It sounds to me, though, that these people have been very close to you. They deserve the truth, just like you do.


The truth, always. Tell the truth.

gypsybird87 posted 10/8/2013 15:30 PM

I agree with NG.

It's not your job anymore to protect your WH and his secrets. If he wants to lie to close friends that's his option but definitely not something you need to facilitate for him.

These people are your friends too. They deserve the truth, and you deserve to have their support, or at least peace in the knowledge that however they react, they are reacting to the truth, not a lie.

As far as how to say it.... I'd probably say that I also wish things would work out, but that became impossible the moment STBXWH took his focus/time/energy etc off the marriage and put it into a relationship with another woman. And thank you for your thoughts and prayers as I try to heal and get through this very difficult time.

It's not an easy situation you're in, but I know you will get through it. I haven't been faced with this particular issue... my XWH had (and still has) zero friends.

Hugs to you ((erzulie))!

ArkLaMiss posted 10/8/2013 17:16 PM

I agree 100% with what gypsybird said to tell them.

GabyBaby posted 10/8/2013 17:19 PM

I'd probably say that I also wish things would work out, but that became impossible the moment STBXWH took his focus/time/energy etc off the marriage and put it into a relationship with another woman. And thank you for your thoughts and prayers as I try to heal and get through this very difficult time.
Perfectly said.

StillLivin posted 10/8/2013 18:51 PM

The simple truth. No more, no less. True friends will understand and support.
Good luck.

Ashland13 posted 10/9/2013 09:51 AM

Yes, tell the truth. But you don't have to give tons of details.

This is the same story that X spun for people he "got to" before I did. He told such bad lies that there are people who snub me, who were close relatives prior to what he did.

It's justification at it's finest, to make us look as bad as possible and our WH's to earn as much pity as they can. This is how they think they can get support-I think.

The only thing I can think of for advice, is to be as consistent as you can and be weary, on your toes once it starts being talked about.

X really put on a one-man show, with the crocodile tears and telling people how much he tried when he did no such thing-didn't even break up with OW during false R but fails to tell people this.

It may also be good for you if you can think of a plan for what you want to say, so you're not caught off guard if people try to talk about it.

The rumor mill is a lonely place where the lies get more and more confusing.

Cookie7088 posted 10/9/2013 10:25 AM

Sometimes it's just a simple as stating...

Unfortunately, sometimes wives cannot work on a marriage, when you don't like his girlfriend.

[This message edited by Cookie7088 at 10:26 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

tushnurse posted 10/9/2013 10:31 AM

I would be sure to include the fact that this isnt the first time. something to the effect of, "The first time he had a girlfriend, I was willing to try again. We did, however now he has another, and I will no longer be subjected to being an option, and a second choice.

Chrysalis123 posted 10/9/2013 10:47 AM

Unfortunately, sometimes wives cannot work on a marriage, when you don't like his girlfriend.

I have used this a few times. At first the person doesn't get what i am saying and there is a big pause.

I then see their face change as they understand what I meant....and they quickly say "Oh I'm sorry" and change the subject.

Works like a charm, and I kept my dignity, said it with a smile, and moved on with a lovely day.

sparkysable posted 10/9/2013 11:18 AM

Tell them the truth, that he had an affair with XXXXX which started XXXXX and you discovered on XXXXXX.

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