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Newest Member: Betrayedwife1120 (45756)

User Topic: My bestfriend is cheating on her H
what_a_mess
♀ 14445
Member # 14445
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi SI!
It's been a long time since I've posted here. My M is still going really well, I am thankful for all of your help every day. It's been about 6 1/2 years since D-Day and I've never contacted OM since that time...or had any new inappropriate relationships outside of my M. My husband and I have reached a trusting a loving place and I truly thank you all for helping me learn how to be the person that my H deserved.
Anyway, I have a new problem and I can't decide what to do.
My Best girlfriend in the world is cheating on her husband. She choose to tell me about it because we've been friends for over a decade and she was there for me when my A came out and my marriage and life fell apart. She wanted advice...on what to do, where to go from here, and what I think about OM and her entire situation.
My H is also best friends with her H AND her OM! She cheated on her H with one of our closest friends.
Not only do I think what is going on is horrible, but now my poor H is all triggery and upset because this is bringing back so many horrible memories for both of us.
My H wants to confront OM and possibly tell her H (he's not sure about telling her H because he's always said that he wished he never knew).
...I don't know what the right course of action is.
If we keep the secret, it's going to be there in our hearts and heads forever (not to mention, we'll basically be enabling an A). If we tell her H, then we will be tearing down very old and close friendships...not to mention potentially destroying a marriage and a family (they have a 1yr old son).
What would you do? I wish she wouldn't have told me. I had to tell my H, because since our D-Day in 2007 we've had a very strict honesty policy, and I didn't want to risk my Marriage over my friends A.
...plus, he kind of knew anyway. They aren't very good at concealing their tracks.
I would really appreciate your opinions and help.

Thanks so much!
W_A_M


FWS(Me)-33; FBS(Him)-32
D-Day 4/25/07
Together 14years; Married 8
DD 4yrs old; DS 1 yr old
Love doesn't make the world go 'round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.-Franklin P. Jones

Posts: 1733 | Registered: May 2007 | From: United States
lieshurt
♀ 14003
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If we tell her H, then we will be tearing down very old and close friendships...not to mention potentially destroying a marriage and a family (they have a 1yr old son).

No, YOU won't. She and the OM did this, not you and your BS.

If I were in your shoes, I'd tell. Otherwise, this will eat away at you both and the guilt will be horrible. Her husband deserves to know the truth.


A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.

Posts: 13841 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see keeping the secret as a very good option.

What did you say to her when she came to you for advice?

(what a terrible position she has placed you in...)


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8188 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
what_a_mess
♀ 14445
Member # 14445
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What did you say to her when she came to you for advice?

She came to me for advice about a week ago. I haven't seen her since then. Our husbands AND OM are going on a 3 day hiking trip this weekend...so talk about akward for my H!
For the record, I told my H that I would do whaever he wanted to do. I told him that if he wanted to tell then that's what we would do. It's such an (understandably) hurtful subject for him that I would never push him one way or another. But, he's not sure what to do either. It feels like it's going to be a mess no matter what, but we just don't know if we should get (more) involved.


FWS(Me)-33; FBS(Him)-32
D-Day 4/25/07
Together 14years; Married 8
DD 4yrs old; DS 1 yr old
Love doesn't make the world go 'round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.-Franklin P. Jones

Posts: 1733 | Registered: May 2007 | From: United States
Holly-Isis
♀ 13447
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell him NOW. or he's going to feel betrayed by you and your H too. Especially since they haven't been good at covering their tracks. He will find out. Would your h rather he find out through friends or in some horrible discovery? Or even by her deciding to leave him and take their baby because she's in luuuuurve?


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11282 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
lieshurt
♀ 14003
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our husbands AND OM are going on a 3 day hiking trip this weekend...

He needs to know before going on this trip. He'll feel completely betrayed by your H otherwise.


A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.

Posts: 13841 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
MoreWould
♂ 37982
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A hiking trip this weekend?

Ouch. Talk about no time to prepare.

I would tell your BF that given your history with A's (which she is fully aware of) that you can't guarantee your H won't blow up the A on the trip. H and OM both there, OMG! Could be a homicide. If she knows what's good for her, she will confess first.

If she get's pissed for you telling your H, tell her that he had already guessed and just pushed you for confirmation (close enough to the truth apparently). And, that if he did, others in town will soon. There's a recent thread on SI about the BS' reaction to finding out versus confessing. I would say the consensus is it sucks both ways, but confessing is a little better.

[This message edited by MoreWould at 3:50 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
ascian
♂ 40304
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Speaking as someone who was in a situation like what you're describing, had one of our friends known about my wife's activities and not told me, I'd have jettisoned that friendship as well as the one with the OM.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 320 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you tell her to tell her BH? If so, what was her response?


Omg. The hiking trip is going to be more than awkward.

IMO, you should tell. Very soon. Like, BEFORE that trip occurs. I think that *not* telling has a far worse long-term outcome than spilling the beans now.

(if you do decide to *tell* before the trip....it'd probably be wise to give OM a heads-up that the cat's out of the bag.....wouldn't want him to suffer any accidents while hiking.....)


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8188 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
what_a_mess
♀ 14445
Member # 14445
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A hiking trip this weekend?

Yup...4 guys. Two fucking the same woman (well, not so much her poor H...they haven't done it since their baby was 4 months old).

My Husband has been through all of this. I can't push him either way. I just can't. Not on this. I'm going to show him this thread and that most of you think we should tell her H, but if my H decides he want to talk to OM first, I can't tell him that that's not ok. ...not when it comes to infidelity. I have NO power with this topic, (and honestly , I don't deserve it). He's my FBS. I love him so much...and I love my friend too...but whatever he decides is what we'll do.
He's always said that he wished he'd never been told. His friends conered him and told him when they had a guys night out and it was awful for him and although we all got through it...it literally took YEARS.
I was to blame then, completely to blame, but because of how awful it was for him to go through that in front of people, I'm just not sure what he'll decide.
I'm definitely going to tell her that I don't know how long this secret will stay a secret though...and that my H knows. She knew before she told me that I would tell him, so she put a lot of faith in him after the hell that I put us through because of infidelity.


FWS(Me)-33; FBS(Him)-32
D-Day 4/25/07
Together 14years; Married 8
DD 4yrs old; DS 1 yr old
Love doesn't make the world go 'round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.-Franklin P. Jones

Posts: 1733 | Registered: May 2007 | From: United States
Sal1995
♂ 39099
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If we tell her H, then we will be tearing down very old and close friendships...not to mention potentially destroying a marriage and a family (they have a 1yr old son).

There were several people who told themselves something similar in my case, I'm sure. All there silence did was give the OM several more months of sex with my wife. I found out anyway, and found out most of the people who knew before I did, if not all of them. This stuff always comes out one way or the other.

This might backfire on you regardless. I'm sure your wayward friend won't appreciate you or your husband telling her husband, and her BH won't appreciate your silence if you nothing, or delay telling him for any length of time. But you and your H didn't create this mess. Bad actions sometimes have ripple effects and unintended consequences. Do what's right and accept the outcome.

I'd given anything if someone had told me about my wife's affair say, last July, instead of finding out on my own in Feb. The difference? We'd be 7 months further along in our healing. The OM would have only pleasured himself with my wife's body for 3 months instead of 10. It matters.

From the standpoint of the BH, nothing good can come from him going about his life clueless. Please tell him. If nothing else it takes this awful burden off of you and your H. This can't be good for your continued R and healing, either.


Me (BS)-46, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1488 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j

WAM...

Holy cow!! It's so good to see you

end t/j


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198868 | Registered: May 2002
h0peless
♂ 36697
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember people giving me looks of pity when I was married to my ex. I always assumed it was because she wasn't being very nice to me at the time. Now I know it was because she was cheating, they all knew, and I had no idea. I'm not friends with any of those people anymore. If any of the guys she had been fucking had been friends of mine? Lord help me.

[This message edited by h0peless at 4:12 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1811 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
what_a_mess
♀ 14445
Member # 14445
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DS!!! I've missed talking to you!
I'm on my way home right now, but I'll respond more when I get there.


FWS(Me)-33; FBS(Him)-32
D-Day 4/25/07
Together 14years; Married 8
DD 4yrs old; DS 1 yr old
Love doesn't make the world go 'round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.-Franklin P. Jones

Posts: 1733 | Registered: May 2007 | From: United States
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've missed you too young lady!!! I'm so glad you stopped in


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198868 | Registered: May 2002
cliffside
♀ 38803
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She knew you would tell your husband and told you right before he was going on a trip with her husband and Affair Partner?

Sounds to me like she's expecting your H to do her dirty work and blow open the Affair. I'd call her and ask her if she's planning on leaving her husband. And no matter what, your H should NOT go on that trip.

What an awesome friend


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 270 | Registered: Mar 2013
Camalus
♂ 40199
Member # 40199
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is not your friend and neither is her AP. And if you and your husband are truly friends with the BH then you will tell him.

If I were your husband I would refuse all contact with your girlfriend and her AP. I would also want you to go NC with them.

This might mean postponing or pulling out of the hiking trip.


Me–BS age 61
Her -- WS age 59
Married for 34 years
One child, 30yrs

Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.


Posts: 127 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Near Houston Texas
Undefinabl3
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been about 6 1/2 years since D-Day and I've never contacted OM since that time...or had any new inappropriate relationships outside of my M. My husband and I have reached a trusting a loving place and I truly thank you all for helping me learn how to be the person that my H deserved.

Until now. Your Best Friend is no longer an appropriate relationship. She is no longer a friend of the marriage either. As much as it will hurt, you really need to consider that until she tells her BS about what is going on, that you can no longer be friends.

When she supported you, your affair was already out. She as not hiding it or keeping it a secret like she is basically asking you to do. What kind of friend asks this of another friend?

My H wants to confront OM and possibly tell her H (he's not sure about telling her H because he's always said that he wished he never knew).

With all respect to your DH, your friends husband is not your DH. Currently her BS is not even being given a choice, so how do you know how he will react.

You need to tell HIM. Do NOT go to OM, do NOT go to your friend. You need to go to HIM, the husband.

Or, you need to tell your friend that unless she tells her BS, you will - simple as that.

She's an adult and she has done a horrible thing. If she can't handle the consequences then she shouldn't have been doing the action.

I feel so bad for her BS - he's going to basically be the last to know. That's got to be a horrible feeling on top of already being cheated on.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1821 | Registered: Sep 2012
Undefinabl3
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And no matter what, your H should NOT go on that trip.

I agree...or the OM doesn't go, one of the two.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1821 | Registered: Sep 2012
TrustGone
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow..That makes it so hard for both of you. I would leave it up to my husband to decide what to do on this one but I think the BH needs to know. Even if your FBH didn't want to know the other BH might.

I know that my WH#2 told his BF who is my BF's husband and they didn't tell me. My BF swears her husband never told her, but I really think he did. I know it caused a riff between us and eventually my WH#2 and his BF quit speaking to each other for other reasons, but I think it had alot to do with his BF's lowered respect for WH#2. My BF and I are still close and speak almost daily so she knows how bad I was/am hurt by the betrayal. I do not hold her husband at fault for not telling me because I know what a hard time he had keeping the secret for so long and he swears that he only thought it was a ONS and not a LTA. I also know he refused to let my WH#2 take his OW on a trip with them out of respect for me.

I really hate that you and your FBH have been put in this position and it was very selfish of your BF to do this to you after she saw the impact of your A and the mess it caused. I am really glad however to hear that you and your FBH are reconciled and happy and I wish you both the best.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 78
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