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Stupidly I updated our iPad. Well, the new update has "private" web searching. Meaning you can look at anything and it won't show up in history.

H says he's not using it. Says he gets it that behavior of looking at porn hurts me, but I don't think I believe it.

I have long ago realized I can not and will not police him. I realized today I don't trust him not to hurt me. I know if I was sick, hurt or in trouble he'd be there for me. The problem is that I don't think he sees what a slippery slope the pictures are.

Now I need to decide what to do. He's doing everything he can, but I don't trust him.

Is that just me or am I missing something that's making me feel this way? I don't know.

You will, eventually.
To an extent.
You need to realize that the life you once knew and trusted, has ended.

You will find a new reality. A new relationship.

It's not easy. None of this is. Betrayal is a eye opener. It's earth shattering. Let it be. Feel all you should and go through the normal healing process.

You will get there, I promise.
Give it time.

It does get better, a lot better, but worry still flares up for me from time to time. And I check, and find nothing and it goes away.

I find that if I DON'T check, I start freaking out. So I just check, so my amygdala is appeased.

That's the problem! With the private feature I can't check.

I could before and when I occasionally would check, always found nothing, but now it's not an option. I'm making myself crazy over this.

Our computer has this same stupid feature.

I hate it.

I just wish that I didn't have the need to check.

I wish there was a way to disable it.

I don't check a lot anymore just when the anxiety builds. Then sometimes now I think, why bother, he will do what he will. That seems to come when I feel like I don't care.

I don't know if I will ever feel safe again.

Actually, I do that too. FWH and OW work together--they could certainly be chatting it up (but I don't think they are.)

I check what I can, and tell myself that IF something goes on, I will find out about eventually. I will know what to do. I know I will be OK. It will be very sad, but I will do what needs to be done. Reminding myself that I have myself to rely on makes me feel calmer. So I guess I trust myself.

I'm going through the same thing! My hubby was sexting another girl (not physical)

I can't get over the hurt and don't think I can ever trust him again

I too refuse to 24/7 have to check up on him, that type of life isn't worth my time. They are grown men if they want to be jerks then fine.

Are you guys going to counseling?

No we're not in MC. We tried it and the therapist wasn't a good fit. I didn't like her.

We're rural and there aren't many to choose from. Plus there's the issue of a babysitter.

H didn't care for counseling very much. I think we'd benefit from it. If only for me to spill my guts about how I feel and have some one interpret it for H.

It seems like once he gets it and I feel validated I'm ok, but then another point comes up and it starts all over again.

I just want the life I thought I had back. I want to feel safe again. I want a H that didn't betray me. Infidelity so sucks!