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Newest Member: wantingtomovefwd (61122)

User Topic: Seeking Advice
♀ 40925
Member # 40925
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am seeking some advice with respect to infidelity that has occurred in my marriage.
First some background:

My husband and I are in the agriculture business and own two properties which are about 300 miles apart. During the summer we are separated, each running one of the ranches.
Throughout our relationship there have been quite a few instances where I have found my now husband engaging in sexual text message exchanges with other women. I have confronted him many times, and even left him for a period of time.
At each episode he continually denied that anything was going on, attempted to convince me that the messages had been meant for me, or tried to play it off as a joke.
The messages were to many different female acquaintances of his, and were not only sexually explicit but indicated either previous 'private' meetings in person or intentions to meet up.
It got to the point that I was so paranoid that anytime his phone beeped, I pounced on the phone to see what it was.

Then last December I found out I was pregnant. We decided that we wanted to keep the baby and that we should move up our plans of getting married.

After finding out I was pregnant and subsequently getting married, he was very good and it seemed that the sexting had completely stopped.

Then, about a week before my baby was born, he came to stay with me at my parents house to await the baby. Being extraordinarily paranoid, I decided to check his phone. He had since upgraded to an iphone with has a tendancy to store erased messages.
To my chagrin I found that he has once again resumed sexting with 5 different women. The messages were very explicit and heartbreaking to me. The worst were some from a married woman living close to the ranch my husband runs, and whom we have to do business every year.
I also found messages from a woman my husband had hired without my knowledge to 'clean the house "for me"'. The messages also revealed that he had received oral sex from said 'employee'.

We had an enormous fight where he continued to act quite childish and try to convince me that I had made it up or it was all a joke etc etc.
We finally agreed that we would start fresh. He would stop all inappropriate communications and I would let go of my harbored anger and resentment over the past transgressions.
After the baby was born things seemed much better, he was truly a devoted father. Then he had to return to the ranch for a few weeks while I recovered from the birth.
When he came back to help me drive home I found that while he had been considerably good he had, the day before flying back out to his son and I, been sexting yet another woman.
His excuse for this was that she had started the conversation and he was just trying to figure out who it was because he hadnt been able to remember. Unfortunately, this was a lie as he had been the one who had started the conversation and led it into inappropriateness.
He has now been away again for a couple of weeks. I am losing sleep over the fear that he is continuing to cheat despite my telling him when he left that if he did it again I was divorcing him and leaving with his child.

I feel very foolish for having let things continue on this far and for sincerely believing him when he assured me it would stop.
Now there is a child in the mix and I absolutely cannot allow my child to grow up amongst such conflict.
What hurts me most is how he lies to me. I no longer believe him when he tells me he's being faithful and I always question what he's doing with that damned phone.
Had he been honest with me in the past when I confronted him I would have an easier time forgiving him. But he has always maintained his 'innocence' and tried to make me believe that it was nothing but a joke.

I still truly love my husband. I don't want to separate from him but I cannot put up with any more lies or cheating.

I am hoping to have some advice that is not so close to home to help me in deciding what to do from here. We will continue to have to be apart for long periods of time and I am going to continue to have doubts and insecurities whenever he is gone. Marriage counseling is probably a necessity but getting him to go would be like pulling elephant teeth.

My main concern is my child. On one hand I want him to grow up with a father, but I don't want him to grow up in conflict. Whatever I decide I don't want it to be a selfish decision that hurts my baby.

Please help!

Posts: 2 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ 38405
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

File for divorce...

You both have fought and you kept going back to him. He doesn't believe you. He figures that he can just stop for a few weeks and then restart back up.

File for divorce and child support and let him know you aren't playing this time. If the behavior continues, you are gone. Show him you are not afraid to be without him and you will leave him if he continues to cheat.

The only way to save your marriage is to lose it. I wish I filed for divorce when I first found out.

Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 680 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
♀ 40488
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry that you brought a child into such a sad situation... I am furious for you my dear..that he thought he could string you along and unfortunately with a child he figures you will just stay with him now no matter what his behaviour.
File for divorce he is a pathological liar it seems and has no respect for you the mother of his child..

So sorry

Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 40787
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's still doing it - there hasn't been any effort to stop on his behalf - only to go underground for a bit of time.

On top of that, he has quite the stable...which lends itself to wondering if he can ever be content with just one women period. As a child that grew up in conflict, single is better. It isn't easy for you. I'm sorry for that.

Don't forget alimony either.

Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 36146
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you may doubt what you have discovered and he has been able to somewhat successfully
"Explain" things away for you. But really, your fears are very real and very justified. Do not let him make you think this is anything other than what it is: wrong, wrong, wrong. Unfortunately you have made it very easy for him to carry on this way. Both with your distance from each other and with your inactions in the past. I can understand why in the short term, but you have seen the long term ramifications of allowing this. He has zero reason to stop and he won't. Please take care of yourself and your child. And try to be strong enough to walk, which is what you may have to do -- temporarily or permanently. So sorry.

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2012
♀ 32753
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI, MissMontana. We're sorry that you have to be here, especially with a new baby, but we're glad you found our group.

I think you should trust your gut. The reason why you're feeling anxiety when he's away is because he is still betraying your marriage. I would doubt that you know everything. If he deleted the texts and didn't tell you anything that you didn't find out by yourself, then there is probably a lot more that you don't know. I am so sorry to say that.

I hate to say this, but please get tested for STDs. It sounds like he's been sexting with a lot of women, and if he's met up with ONE for oral sex, he's probably met up with more of them, and probably not only oral sex. He doesn't seem remorseful - that he said he'd stop as long as you stopped bringing it up is what we call "rugsweeping" - that's when he tries to push it away and not take any meaningful responsibility for betraying you.

Do you have family nearby? Can you ask for extra support for both you and your baby as you try to figure out what's next? Are you wanting to stay with him? Are you wanting to go? It's OK if you don't know right away. Take your time with yourself. Take time to love and take care of you and your baby.

It sounds like this distance is making this situation harder for you. Are there any alternatives to the distance? Is there anyone else who can help with your properties so you two could be together at one of the ranches, if you want to be with him?

Is he doing anything at all to prove he's not cheating anymore?

Again, I'm so sorry you're here. We're here to support you.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 1:48 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 4207 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:36 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome MM, since your asking, I agree with movingforward. File for D. You can always stop it if you change your mind but it may be the scare he needs. I wish I had done it.
The thing with sexting is we have a way, myself included, of doubting and dismissing. Kind of like, at least he's not having sex, right? Although I think after awhile they will. Even the texting is taking time and thought away from
you and your baby. I told my ws, rverytime he sent or received a text from ow, he was thinking of
considering the quantity, that's the majority of my ws day. In his mind is the ow, hogging.up space that should be for his wife.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5738 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 7

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