Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Five weeks later and it feels like I just found out

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

khaleesi posted 10/8/2013 18:22 PM

Sorry, this is going to be long, but I don't know where to start except the beginning.

My husband of three years (together for five) had been acting strange, spending more time away from home etc. I was sick and he said he'd stop by the pharmacy on his way home from the gym one day. Four hours later he came back with some weird, flimsy excuse about what took so long. The second I questioned him about where he was, he got eerily flat and said he was leaving me for another woman. I started crying and tried to get him to explain but he was gone in literally ten minutes. He packed a few things and took off, saying we could talk the next morning.

He didnt answer his phone and I had no idea where he was. He never called or showed up the next morning at the agreed upon time. A few days later he sent me an email that he was coming by to pick up some of his things that next friday, one week to the day after he left. While he was there he started to get emotional, but only stayed a few minutes (I found out later he had the OW waiting for him in the car at the front of our apartment building.)

Obviously this was the worst week of my life. Besides being really sick, I was completely blindsided and had to explain all this to my almost teenage son (his step-son) in a roundabout way, because I didnt want to badmouth him. The next day he called late that night. I almost didnt answer but for some stupid reason I did. The first words out of his mouth were I want to come home?!?

I said no, but we talked (Mostly I yelled) for a few hours. He said he broke all contact with the OW and was staying with a friend. We've talked mostly over the phone and saw each other a few times over the last few weeks.

He swore, with tears in his eyes, on his parents graves that he didnt sleep with her. He said they did kiss, once, and that kiss let him know he didnt really have feelings for her and that he wanted to be with me.

One night a week ago when my son was with his father I had a few drinks and we talked on the phone. I invited him over. We agreed to go to marriage counseling and see what happens, but honestly my trust was pretty much already shattered. One thing led to another and we ended up being intimate. I had a lot of mixed emotions after and almost wished I hadn't but part of me was hopeful. Up until this we've had a good relationship. He's been mostly a great husband and has been more of a father to my son that his real dad.

Something nagged at me though. A few days ago I sent a facebook message to the OW. She told me in a very snarky, rude way that they did have sex, twice, with no protection in his car. She told me lots of personal things about myself and our marriage that she could have only heard from him, and let me know this had been going on longer than he'd let on.

I called him at work so hysterical he left early and came home to confirm everything she said.

Over the past few weeks we have spent countless hours talking and crying and I thought making progress. Turns out everything he told me was a lie. To add insult to injury, this girl is twelve years younger than me. He had known her for about a month before they had sex, and he even told her he loved her, after only a few weeks.

We had just told my son we were working things out, and he was ecstatic. Even my family was okay, and some of them were happy that we were going to stick it out because besides this he's been such a good guy. We are supposed to go to our first marriage counseling appointment next wednesday.

Now he cant seem to understand why I'm so furious and tearful again. First off I'm worried about STDs and have to get tested, plus he's been so adamant that he DID NOT sleep with her, then come to find out he did. I told him today he needs to go back to his friends house because I am honestly afraid of being physically violent towards him.

As far as I knew we really did have a good relationship. He never expressed any concerns or anything. The only thing that has changed is he's lost a considerable amount of weight in the last year. I have been very supportive of him during this process. When we first met he was morbidly obese, which I overlooked because he had such a good heart, or I thought he did. As far as I was concerned his weightloss meant I might actually get to spend the rest of my life with him instead of just the next decade or so.

I feel so stupid right now and lost. My first husband cheated on me too. My mother, in I think a well meaning attempt at comforting, told me my father had cheated on her years ago and they got through it. I'm just starting to think there is no such thing as monogamy. Everyone else already knew but no one bothered to tell me.

summerain posted 10/8/2013 19:29 PM

We had just told my son we were working things out, and he was ecstatic. Even my family was okay, and some of them were happy that we were going to stick it out because besides this he's been such a good guy. We are supposed to go to our first marriage counseling appointment next wednesday.

Now he cant seem to understand why I'm so furious and tearful again.

Yes right after dday, my wayward didn't understand why I was so angry and upset
Un/fortunately, your family does not have to live with him, be in love with him etc etc So them being happy sadly does not mean too much of anything

It's not been too long since DDAY so things can definitely improve.

khaleesi posted 10/8/2013 20:06 PM

I guess it hasn't been that long since DDAY, but the fact that he lied about every single detail pretty much makes it feel like day one.

At the moment I am very stressed about STDs. I'm almost 35 but haven't been with many men and have always been very careful. He didn't seem to think there was much to worry about... that she was 'probably' fine. This is a girl that had sex with a married man in his car without a condom at a park. I don't have much faith that she was fine. I chatted with this girl briefly and she seems half retarded (sorry if that is offense, but the truth)

I don't just feel betrayed. I almost feel like this was an act of aggression. He knowingly endangered me, and keeps saying things like 'You must not want to work on this' because I am upset.

SurelyNOT posted 10/8/2013 22:43 PM

I'm nine weeks since discovery day, and somedays are good and most days NOT. I actually don't think I will ever be whole again.

This weekend is Canadian Thanksgiving, and my WS is coming home (has been working out of town) NOT to see his children or me, BUT to gather his belongings and officially move in with the ow and her 10 year old autistic son. Thanksgiving, how are yah!!!!! I am so devastated. hurt and betrayed, I don't know how I am going to get through this weekend. I am desperately trying to be strong for my children, I want to make sure they have a nice weekend. This is so hard, unless you've been through a similar situation I really don't think you have any idea just how difficult it is. I have good friends and family, but I don't think they comprehend the extent of pain and loss we are living with daily.

Sorry for the rant, I wish you well on your journey, I hope you can find some comfort here.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.