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VD2012 posted 10/8/2013 19:59 PM

It might be stress, it might be me being sick, I very likely am overreacting to life in general but right now I don't care. I'm not doing this anymore.

New neighbours moved in. Not a big deal but the woman who moved in with her kids has suddenly taken to speaking to my wife every day since moving in. No problem on my part, except for the spontaneously knocking on our door for any reason she can think of ("where's a nearby ATM?", "what's the name of the street our kids' school is on?", etc.) We've always been quiet people who do our own thing so having someone constantly at our door, for what I feel are trivial things, isn't something we're used to.

Earlier she knocked on our door yet again, this time sporting a baby, apparently to show her to my wife. So my wife goes out, then comes in after a bit of talking to fetch our newly awakened son. Shortly after our daughter came down from her room to join them. They're all talking outside fine and dandy (someone of the woman's famiy came over to join in too). I'm laying on the couch doing my own thing, no problem.

Then I notice I don't hear anything from outside anymore and I look up and outside... No one there.

I have no clue why, and I don't care, but without saying a word my wife took our kids over to this woman's place. Sure, right next door, sure I used common sense to determine that immediately, and sure it bothered the fuck out of me. Not the going, but the lack of even a momentary thought to informing me of it. She was right there. Open the fucking screen door look at me and say "we're going over to our neighbours place for a minute". No problem.

Instead I look up and my family isn't there. She couldn't be bothered.

After awhile she came back with the kids and just went about her business. Honestly I can't recall the exact sequence of what was said after since I'm groggy. I asked where she went, she said, I asked why she didn't tell me. She simply reiterated she only went next door for a moment and effectively said it wasn't a big deal. I went and sat down for a minute, grabbed my cup and went back out to the kitchen (where she was) to get a drink from the fridge. She stood next to me while I poured a drink and I closed the fridge and walked out of the kitchen. As I did she muttered something.

I turned around and demanded to know what she said ("fine, don't talk to me" apparently). I asked what her problem is, and pointed out that yet again in life she didn't take me into consideration and didn't think of me. This is a massive problem I've always had with her and when you get right down to it that's what her retarded fucking affair exemplified. I pretty much said so, she said something in response to this shouldn't be a problem and told me not to be a problem. I took offense to this, she tried saying she didn't mean it that way. I looked her right in the eyes and said "there wouldn't be any fucking problems if you could have kept your legs closed and your mouth shut." Probably a bad thing to say, but I really don't care.

She looked at me and said "fuck you." Something she's been prone to do in the past and the last time she did so I told her this relationship was over. So without a word I took my wedding ring off and threw it on the floor at her feet and left the kitchen to sit down. As I left I said "we're done."

She didn't say or do anything afterwards. Got our daughter some supper, went and had a bath then came down and made herself something to eat. She's also randomly gone down stairs to do some laundry and otherwise has been sitting on the opposite end of our sectional doing her own thing. I didn't want any particular reaction because I'm seriously done dealing with this shit but to see she's completely unphased and going about life as can be without saying or doing anything... well, it just shows me a lot.

All that said, she's done everything she can do to change. Yet all told, she'll never completely change and I don't think I can accept that. I don't want to be reminded of what she did to me ever. And there is no way that is possible. The past few months I've really been struggling with this. I've had longtime members PM me about their experiences, I've seen people praise my wife for her efforts, and I full identify everything about why her affair happened and what's gone on since. You know what though? She still fucked someone else. And I don't want to ever be reminded of how shitty a person she was.

I really don't think I can do this anymore. I've been fantasizing lately about being on my own. Living by myself going about life my own way. No need to wake up and worry about her triggering me. No need to question if she's being honest. Yes, she is honest, but I still have to question it. That's the rest of my life. And I don't think I can do it.

This shit may seem petty and I may be reacting stupidly (even removed her from my Facebook "married to" thing - though it isn't displayed anywhere, only she'll notice, and changed my profile picture from one of us to one of me and the kids - honestly just to be petty and fuck with her head). I'm so fucking tired of being the good guy, I'm so tired of doing work, I'm so tired of struggling through the pain that keeps getting inflicted on me.

Over the weekend we had to get our one cat emergency surgery. I was a basketcase because it looked like she was bleeding profusely out of her vagina. She had a severe case of something called pyometra (very rare in a cat). She'd have died if we didn't get her the surgery but money isn't exactly free flowing. I couldn't make a decision on what to do, so my wife did and the cat is doing wonderfully. that cat has been my true best friend since we acquired her 7 years ago. That cat has been there seemingly through everything and is the one creature who's never let me down. Without her I'd have not been able to cope with my wife's affair at all. And the thought of losing her has me so fucking rattled.

I'm not equipped anymore to deal with shit. I don't know how to cope with things. I told my wife one more thing and we're done, no matter what it is. I can't deal with this shit anymore. I'm getting fucking chest pains lately. I can't sleep. The mind movies are still there. I fucking triggered yesterday because she changed her pants in front of me. She took her pants off in front of him and let him fuck her... All because she hates herself. All because her family sucks. All because of this or that. Sure whatever, I get it but I also am constantly fucking punished for the crimes others committed against her just because I love her. I've always known life wasn't fair but a lifetime of pain and reminders... fuck all of this.

Sorry if this is scatterbrained, I can barely keep a straight thought.

ETA: She fucking knows I've been typing, I look over at her laptop. The moment I'm done typing and click a couple times with the mouse on mine, there she is opening up this post... that's a first. She's acting contrary to how's she's been for the past year and a half, but I guess a lifetime of shitty selfish conflict avoidance never goes away. You want to know what I have to say, I'm right fucking here, sheesh...

[This message edited by VD2012 at 8:02 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

SeeThingsNow1 posted 10/8/2013 20:06 PM

so sorry for the despair and hurt you are feeling....there are no words for the pain that just slaps you over and over...i hope you feel peace soon

ionlytalkedtoher posted 10/8/2013 20:16 PM

so sorry.

my husband also did the disappearing thing with neighbors and i flipped out too and this was all before i knew of any is rude and inconsiderate and i know it seems little, but its a very telling little thing that = she doesn't really care of others feelings.

blakesteele posted 10/8/2013 20:29 PM

Hi VD2012.

I am sorry for your pain. I get this. I have been there. The A could be a deal breaker for you, or the bull shit that followed it could be a deal breaker for you. That is an individual choice.

Some observations and questions for you...if you are up for it.

First, what was your childhood like? My parents D after almost no fighting....I was 13...when they did my Dad disappeared from my life until I reconnected with him after college. I have a fear of abandonment...could relate to your feelings to look up and your family is gone. I had this fear for months after DD....that I would come home from work and my wife and daughters would be gone. It sucks....that fear is not A related, I had that fear since childhood. No doubt the A reaffirmed this fear...but that is my shit to work on....and I am. It is rude behavior, but I would trigger harder on this then people without this fear of abandonment would. KWIM?

You just had a critical moment with your cat. Pets are part of the family...this is added stress....and you have plenty without that.

Are you getting at least 6 hours sleep? This is a must to get into REM sleep...the short period of sleep where nerves in the brain are actually repaired from the days stress. You say you barely can keep a straight thought....sleep could be a contributing factor here...not your wife or the A. I know the lack of sleep is a reaction to the A, but you can make choices to moderate that reaction. I use over the counter sleep aides, prayer and meditation. I still have 4 hour nights....but that is becoming the exception, not the rule.

Gently....the communication after your wife and kids came home was not the best. Dang, I do this too...less now, but have done this. So has my wife. I swear, sometimes I think we revert back to teenagers...and I am 42! At that point you were triggering I totally get why you did what you did. Just try and recognize it was not the best interaction.....don't base life altering decisions on moments like this.

Even a remorseful spouse is not a mind reader. Try and express yourself before triggering or getting too emotionally charged.

I humbly submit this post to you. If you really think your M is over...that is what I would go with.

Any chance you can float for a couple of days....just detach completely somehow? Get to nature? I can sense your exhaustion....don't know you well enough to know what recharges your batteries.

Divorce lawyers are available any day of the week...its not like you have to reserve one tonight! right?

God be with you both tonight.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:37 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

sodamnlost posted 10/8/2013 20:33 PM

So sorry you are in so much pain. It's a sucky road - No Doubt!

Sorry I'm not familiar with your story - what are you doing for yourself? For your own healing?

The WS reading the boards thing - goes up my rear sideways too. I will post - he goes and looks. Just effing ask me dipshit.

blakesteele posted 10/8/2013 20:35 PM

I have a practice of not PM women SI members...but don't mind PM from male members.

This site is anonymous...but if you feel like PM stuff you are not proud of or haven't thought it through well enough to post on the public forums...I am willing to be a sounding board for you. I am only 13 months into this, so I am not a Yoda of sorts...but I am willing to try to help.

AppleBlossom posted 10/8/2013 20:39 PM

You know what? When you are done, you are done. You have reached that point where you know without a doubt that no matter what else has happened, what she has done, she was unnfaithful and that is your dealbreaker.

I dont think what you wrote was scattered at all. it was eloquent and heart rending and totally okay. the incident with the kids and the neighbour was really not such a huge deal. You were on the couch, it made no real difference to you. But it was a trigger, the last straw, and if it wasnt that it would have been something else.

You can see now that life without her will be better than life with her.

I wish you all the best - and wanted to thank you for sharing all those personal thought.

ladies_first posted 10/8/2013 20:46 PM

Are you done, VD2012?

Or are you looking for respect?

What do you need from your wife?


right now I don't care.

I have no clue why, and I don't care

Probably a bad thing to say, but I really don't care

If you didn't care, then you wouldn't be in so much pain.

I think you care very, very much.

[This message edited by ladies_first at 8:52 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

TheClimb posted 10/8/2013 20:49 PM

I know it sucks; I know you are afraid that you will feel this way forever. But it does get better. The second year was horrible for me too. I was so angry. I would take these long drives in my car, I love my car. But I would drive it like like a crazy person...just trying to get away from everything.

Eating that shit sandwich is hard. Try not to beat yourself up so much. I don't know why they do stupid shit sometimes, but they do. I'm sure she just didn't think about it when she ran to the neighbors. Doesn't make it right but change does take time.

One day, I just became so bored with all the drama that I could relax. I was sick of thinking about it. You too will get to that point. It is still there, but it doesn't take your breath away. You become stronger.

Kelany posted 10/8/2013 21:22 PM

Honestly, I think you totally ambushed her. I understand you're stressed, the new neighbor annoys you and her going over bothered you, but you could have communicated it so much better. She was trying to explain she didn't realize you would get upset, and you basically called her a wh*re. From your profile updates, you've been doing great, she's been really trying to fix her issues, so at this far out, I wouldn't be throwing stuff like that out at her over this to be honest. I would expect if I said similar to my fwh, he would have responded with an "f you" as well.

I think her not engaging in further argument is a good thing right now. Clearly its not a good night.

Respect goes both ways, especially in Reconciliation.

I'm trying to be gentle, I've had arguments with my husband that have escalated badly. But this could have been handled with some more effective communication both ways.

Have you guys had marriage counseling? Have you read any Gottman books? They are great for communicating. This has helped my husband and I a lot as we recover our marriage. Our therapist is amazing.

I'm glad your cat is healing. Take some deep beaths, take a break and some rest and hopefully tomorrow will look better.

ccw82 posted 10/8/2013 21:31 PM

VD2012, you are speaking my language right now! I'm right there with you. It's the inconsiderate choices our WSs make that hurt us so deeply. They just don't get it.

VD2012 posted 10/8/2013 22:08 PM

SeeThingsNow1 and ionlytalkedtoher, thank you for the replies. ionlytalkedtoher, that's how I see it rude and inconsiderate. In a world without infidelity and her never having wronged me, it wouldn't even be a thing. It's the principle. She didn't even think to inform me she was leaving with our kids. She didn't think of me. Or she did, and at that moment my feelings didn't matter. Either way I'm not okay with.

blakesteele, no PMs necessary. My childhood was terrible. I was emotionally, physically and mentally abused by both my parents, and somewhat by my extended family. I've written about a lot of my issues in regards to my family upbringing here on SI in the past. Particularly a post titled "My Mother" I wrote about a year ago. Suffice to say in regards to abandonment I was literally abandoned by my family when I was 14. I was living with my mother and she got up one day and left without a word and the rest of my family subsequently refused to talk to me after. Fun times. Honestly the shit they have done too me is too exhaustive to recount here, lets just say they're terrible human beings. Most are gone from my life or dead though, sometimes I actually think karma is a real thing.

But I don't have abandonment issues. Looking up and seeing my family not there didn't trigger some latent fear. It simply pissed me off at the lack of thought or courtesy. I don't fear abandonment. My counsellor I had last year (into this year) described me as highly rationally, emotionally stable and capable. Though he did say I need to let myself actually feel my feelings more instead of rationalizing them and sorting through life pragmatically. My wife didn't cause me any fear related to abandonment.

My wife's affair didn't cause my sleep disturbances. I've suffered from night terrors since I was a little kid. It ain't fun waking up terrified thinking you're going to die and being inconsolable. My mother could never deal with it, but my father did. Those times when I actually became lucid and woke when he was there to comfort me are the only warm moments I ever shared with him. My mother waking me up in the middle of the night to force me to watch her arguing with my father probably didn't help. I've never learned to sleep well. From the age of 14 until 20 when my wife and I moved in together I didn't even have a bed. Slept on couches. And most of my sleep issues actually come from physical injuries I've accumulated over my short life that leave me in constant pain.

Speaking of which, in regard to your suggesion of a sleep aide, I refuse. I don't drink, smoke, take pills of any kind or anything of the sort because of my family history. Every single person I'm genetically related to has been addicted to something at some point or another and I absolutely refuse to take or consume anything. If I'm to suffer in life fine, I'm not risking repeating anything my family has done.

Also no need to be gentle. I was petty and an asshole. I'm aware of it. I just don't care. I'm always fucking being nice, I'm always communicating properly, I'm always doing the right thing. I'm sick of being the good guy in life. Hell, my wife's affair had nothing to do with my problem today. Not everything is a trigger or a result of her infidelity. She's always had problems being considerate of me when it comes to others. I don't even need her to tell me what ran through her head. I didn't, and she was concerned with making a good impression on the new neighbours and wouldn't want to offend them. That's that. This scenario has played out so many times over big and small things and I'm so fucking tired of being diplomatic with my feelings about it. I've always been that way.

It just went to show me something that's been bugging me. This is with me for life. She's changed into an absolutely wonderful woman. But I can't be reminded of the shittiness in the past. This is an impossibility and an unfair expectation of her. I recognize this. She can't be perfect every single time all the time. And I need her to be to be with me. Which is just not practical. I told her the other day I need to work on this, I need to figure out how to heal from the pain she's caused me. I've walked away and/or run from any emotionally damaging problem I've encountered. This whole time I've been waiting and holding onto the hope of her change, and its carried me this far. and she changed. but it didn't eliminate or alter the pain I feel. I need to do that and have no clue.

I'm basing life altering decisions on my entire life. I don't do things rashly, I'm not prone to outbursts and I look at everything in a very slow calculated fashion. I've spent more than a third of my life with this person. She's all I know, and all I even want to know. I still want her in my life but I can't deal with the pain she's caused me. It's not a lack of respect for her, trust in her, hope for us or anything else. She fucked me over, I see she's a great person that I'm lucky to have as my partner, and I don't give a fuck because she fucked me over. It all comes to that. It's not a life altering decision based on one incident of lack of thinking, it's a decision she made a year and a half ago.

I know remorseful spouses, any spouses, aren't mind reader's. My mind is there for her taking whenever and however she wants it. I've never had the communication problem. And she's better at knowing what will trigger me than I am. I didn't trigger. This particular lack of consideration has been present since as far back as us just being high school friends. It's not new.

As for recharging my batteries... I don't even know anymore. Our cat nearly dying, our daughter is the world's worst brat since starting at this new school, our son thinks screaming is a fun pasttime (just for fun because he can) which gives me migraines, I'm sick, I'm in constant pain, my life is just miserable, this affair shit is always there... ugh.

sorry if my response seems terse or anything, I don't mean to come off that way and appreciate the thought put into your post (thus my response).

sodamnlost, ya know what... I don't even know anymore. What am I doing to heal myself? Nothing to my knowledge. I don't know what to do. I talk, I think, I feel, I process. I have no clue how to let go though. I thought I was healing, but I feel like I'm at a standstill. As for her reading my post, she's never once done that before. Which is what exacerbates my issue with it. I normally read my posts to her anyways, but reading what I put without a word said to me is conflict avoidance.

She actually sent me an email after and then went downstairs (to do who knows what). It was short and said what I did with Facebook was petty (damn right it was) and that she may look unphased but I have no clue how hurt she is but if I want to be done so be it. Thanks for saying that to my face...

AppleBlossom, I've always harbored in me the notion that her affair was a dealbreaker for me. However I also always believed that a "new deal" or sorts could be reached in my mind wherein I could go forward in life so long as she changed. I do believe she's drastically changed. Yet I also now see it will never be enough because what I want and expect can't be accomplished.

As for my life being better without her, no I don't see that nor think it. Since she entered my life my life as been drastically better in every way. She has been my staunchest supporter and my greatest ally. I love this woman beyond all sense. Then she betrayed me. The only reason I don't and wouldn't want to be with her is to get away from the pain. Because I don't know how else to handle it. otherwise, no, my life will be worse without her in it in so many ways.

ladies_first, you trying to use reverse psychology on me? Because you're right. I do care. I feel I care too much, and she not enough. Sure she does all the big things and is there even with the little things... but I have such a negative mental reaction to even the slightest of remembrance of what was and I can't deal with it. If I really didn't care, which I acknowledge, I'd be indifferent. and if that was the case, I wouldn't even be posting here. I just don't know what to do...

TheClimb, thank you for the words. Many other members in various ways have tried to say the same to me over the past few months. i just... I want this to go away now. I dont want it anymore. No reminders, no triggers, no memories, no mind movies, nothing. I sometimes think ramming my head into a wall would be a great idea. No one has ever hurt me this badly and I have no clue how to handle it. This is her first "slip up", if you can even call it that, since... I can't even remember. I just don't want to deal with this shit.

SamanthaBaker, I totally see your point of view and I disagree with certain sentiments though I acknowledge you're spot on with others. I had a lot more written to you just now but chose to delete it because I don't like you're tone and my resultant reply was unnecessarily snippy. You're offering your insight which I appreciate the intent of but I'm in too miserable of a mood to be polite. That said, thank you for the reply.

ccw82, thanks for the reply.

All that said, I'm going to wander downstairs to convince her to go up to bed. We'll likely talk, about what and how I have no clue, but I suppose I'll see.

thank you all for your thoughts and replies. wish I was in a more positive mood.

5454real posted 10/8/2013 22:19 PM

sending strength brother.

it's all I've got.

karmahappens posted 10/8/2013 22:22 PM

Hey VD

I am sorry you are hurting. I understand your pain and know that there is too much going on sometimes for any of us to think straight.

I have always been in awe of you. The way you have grown up, the way you handled your childhood and all the shit you have had thrown your way. You are wise beyond your years and you have always (well since I have been reading you) appeared to know what you are feeling, where it comes from and how to handle it.

I bet this situation has you feeling a little less in control, and that's ok.

Whatever YOU decide is best for you is something only you can answer. I know you love your wife, but this part of the journey isn't about her. It's about you. Can you heal and walk through this with her? Can you accept what has been handed to you and move forward with loving her...and do you want to?

I can tell you from where I sit at 6 years out I wondered these things. I worried that I would never get over it. I don't know that we do. I will never "get over" what happened. All I was able to do is walk through it and get past it.

I have an amazing life now VD, really, not bullshitting you. We are close, honest and we both live with clear direction in where we are going. To get here I had to let go. I had to accept that I couldn't change anything, he did what he did.

I was on the five year plan for sure. He did everything he could to help me along, but ultimately my piece of this had to be worked out in my mind and heart.


You want to know what I have to say, I'm right fucking here, sheesh...

Is a big piece. You are right there, but what have you told her about the feelings you have been having about the new neighbor? Have you told her you are feeling overwhelmed? That her being around is bothering you?

IMO she probably thought nothing of it because you saw her with the neighbor, the neighbor is a woman, she had the kids and it was no big deal IN HER MIND.

Remember, just because a wayward is doing what they can, it doesn't mean they automatically know what YOU need. Actually, that goes for anyone, not just waywards. We need to navigate R and our needs within it.

OK, so I talk too much...

Ultimately this is your life VD and as I said, only you can decide. Maybe you just needed to vent tonight...maybe you are done.

Whatever you decide to do, you will be ok.....because R or D this is a demon you will have to work through, and I know you can.

You are in my thoughts. I wish I could make tonight better for you.

SpiderGrl posted 10/8/2013 22:28 PM

Best wishes, VD. I wish you peace.

h0peless posted 10/8/2013 22:31 PM

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Sometimes enough is too much.

ladies_first posted 10/8/2013 23:32 PM

I looked her right in the eyes and said "there wouldn't be any fucking problems if you could have kept your legs closed and your mouth shut.

You know what though? She still fucked someone else.

She took her pants off in front of him and let him fuck her...

Hell, my wife's affair had nothing to do with my problem today. Not everything is a trigger or a result of her infidelity.

Ummm... One of these things is not like the others.

Time for you to get honest.

Are you jealous of the time your WW is spending with the female neighbor?

Have you met the new neighbor's husband -- "the man of the house"?

VD2012 posted 10/9/2013 01:31 AM

5454real, you're awesome dude. You don't need to say anything else. Thanks.

SpiderGrl and h0peless, thanks for the thoughts.

ladies_first, no, one of those things isn't like the others. Why are you taking disparate quotes taken out of their context to somehow ascertain a point that isn't there? I triggered yesterday about her removing her pants. It was a solitary incident having nothing to do with anything else. I said it as such to illustrate that I'm sick of triggers.

And today's incident has nothing to do with her affair. At all. Implying such is disingenuous to my issue at hand. That said it wouldn't have ever been a problem or even an issue had she never cheated. It's just one of those things that is an issue now because the relationship dynamic has changed. I was happy, content, pleased with how our relationship was before (though I now look back and see it wasn't good enough). Things that were minor issues of inconsideration would have been ignored and life gone on. That doesn't happen anymore. That's what my comment to her was meant for. My intention of meaning probably only worked out in my terrible thinking at the time. Had she never had sex with someone else little shit today wouldn't bug me but I'm seemingly unable to cope with the pain thus making everything seem worse even if unrelated to the affair, though still inconsiderate to me as a person. I'm sick as hell, tired and I don't think I'm wording this correctly.

I'm sure there's more than a large majority of BSs here on SI who share that same sentiment. Not every event in a relationship has a direct correlation to the infidelity, but that sure doesn't mean it isn't filtered through the lens of the affair tainting everything.

And no, I'm not jealous. Why would I be? I don't like your implication I'm not being honest. I am always honest, and I'm well aware of myself. I could have easily slanted my post in a way that would engender favour to my "side" and demonize my wife, but I didn't because that would be dishonest. I don't try to paint some flowery romanticized version of myself, as I know I chose to deal with things poorly today. Said so. I don't see how you take me as being dishonest.

Also, no I haven't met this woman's husband (don't even think she has one) and don't care to if she has one. Why is that relevant?

karmahappens, before I address what you said I suppose I should state what happened after my last post...

I'll summarize since we talked for an hour. I went downstairs and my wife was looking through our boxes of movies. I sat nearby and said I wanted to talk to her. She didn't want to. I told her she was perfectly within her right to be angry. and that I'm not reacting well to anything. I apologized for effectively insulting her (though not my intent - but as I say intent doesn't mean shit) and choosing to not deal with things properly. I pointed out what I didn't like about her own actions and choice of words and she agreed with me and understood. She pointed out I didn't give her a chance to say or do anything, which I agreed with. We then just started talking about my problems at large.

Life is getting to me and I'm not handling it well. She told me I can, I said I can't, I don't know how. She told me that's an excuse I tell myself to give up and she knows I can deal with things. I told her I'm just sick and tired of always being strong, always handling things well, always doing what's right. I've been strong my whole life, she never has been until recently. That my life's beaten the tar out of me and I could take everything on until she hurt me and I don't know how to deal with that hurt. I don't have the tools, I'm not equipped to do it. My own coping mechanisms, though they've served me well and don't hurt others, aren't sufficient to work through this.

I'm failing myself and her. I've put too much expectations on her and there's only so much she can do. If I keep being this way I'll eventually cave into my oldest most reliable coping mechanism, walking away from everything. But that never actually solved my problems, they always persisted. This doesn't have to be this way. She truly has changed but I've been expecting that to somehow make me feel better. It can only do so much, she can only do so much. I brought up my one uncle who was paralyzed when I was a toddler. I grew up knowing him to be in a wheel chair. I remember him being such an awesome vibrant man. As time went on he wallowed in his predicament and gave into bitterness. He never exhibited this to others in a negative way, but his life ended when he was crippled, not when he actually died nearly 20 years later. He let an unfair event that he had no control of damage him and he stayed that way.

I've been operating under this mindframe of "she did this to me, she can fix it". But she can't fix me, only herself. She can help me, but only as much as I allow. She told me I need to actually feel my feelings which I don't. She said I don't allow myself to be happy, to feel secure, to feel safe, to feel anything. I'm not even allowing myself to truly feel my pain. I told her I don't know how. The way I grew up... I just don't know how. I told her that my counsellor said something similar earlier this year. I intellectually and rationally understand the world more clearly than most people can, but I'm not in tune with my actual emotions. I'm afraid of them. She pretty much echoed him tonight.

I told her I don't know how to do that, I told her I'm afraid to. I'm afraid to feel anything. I don't want this hurt anymore and I'm afraid of enjoying anything in life because it always ends up bad. I pointed out what happened with our cat as an example. She could have easily died. My wife pointed out she didn't though and I'm not even embracing that. She said I'm only happy with the baby and nothing else. That I've stopped living life and will turn out like my uncle. I told her that's exactly my point and what I don't want to happen.

I'm going to push her away and isolate myself in life in hopes of not being hurt anymore if I don't change. I'm terrified of being hurt again, by anything. I need to heal from what she did to me but I simply haven't done enough. I don't know how. She told me I should post on here more, I should go back to counselling, I should write again. That I need to deal with my feelings and not the facts or events of life. I looked at her and asked her how she changed because I don't know how to. She said it was incredibly hard and still is but she just told herself one day she had to and had to constantly rejigger with her brain every single day. She said she didn't want to because it was too hard, the idea of it was too hard, but she made herself.

We talked more, but that's the gist of it.

Anyways, karmahappens, I'm going to be honest... I want to be done with myself. I'm like the nexus of all my problems. I used to tap into this inexhaustible inner strength to will myself forward in life. But I never actually solved a problem, never implemented a solution to an issue. Why? All problems and issues in my life couldn't be fixed, they were the result of toxic unhealthy people around me that needed to go away. And they did... then my wife betrayed me.

I feel so lost as to what to do with that. I don't know what I'm feeling, how to deal with these feelings, what to do. I'm so lost and confused. It's easy to be strong and resilient when you left the flames wash over you as the world burns everywhere you look. But I was free of all that, I won my freedom from bullshit and then she imploded taking me with her. Her she is now better than she's ever been and I'm... I'm not any better with myself. And I need to be. I need to be or this won't work.

I won't be better off away from her. I'll hate myself for giving up and I'll convince myself it's okay because at least the pain won't be as bad. Won't be as apparent. But if anything I should know better. The pain's always with me, always there. I carry it every day. It weighs me down and I can no longer move. My wife's affair was the extra weight I could no handle.

I appreciate so much your candor with how well your life has turned out. It gives me hope and you're one of many who are further out from this horrible stuff who has shared that sentiment with me. But I hear it and I cannot see. I cannot see because I don't know how to handle this.

She is my best friend, my wife, the best person I've ever known... I can't figure out how to deal with this emotionally. It's like I haven't. I have all the rational and pragmatic pieces of this in place. I understand. But I don't feel. I am overwhelmed with the feelings to the point of numbness and I don't know what to do. I wasn't taught how to deal with THIS, I never figured out how to deal with THIS, I dont know what to do with THIS. Other things, yes of course, but not this. I want this to work, I want that happy life I see, but how on earth do I get it?

I totally understand what you say about letting go, but I don't know how to emotionally get there at all. I feel overwhelmed by this and just life in general.

As for the neighbour... It's not even the neighbour. It's my own self righteous indignation that in that moment she didn't think to tell me. She admitted she understands. It's the principle, not the actual event. In this regard though my wife has been made more than aware, even years before her affair was a thing, that I don't like how I can be an afterthought with her inconsideration. It's not a one time event. We actually just had an issue last week with her going to get our daughter from the bus stop and she didn't return home with her for over 40 minutes. I sat here wondering what was going on. She could have easily told me she was letting her play but I got nothing. Did she get off the bus okay? Is she okay? Did you go somewhere? Did something happen? Are you okay? Nothing. A quick "she got off the bus fine and I'm letting her play for a bit" text would suffice, instead, nothing. Today I look up and they're gone. Sure I can assume she went with the neighbour, but nothing. No, "we're going to their home to meet others", no "hey, wanna come meet the neighbours?", "hey I'm just going out be back whenever". Just tell me what's going on within my life. But I wasn't even a thought in her head, which she admits. THAT is the problem. I didn't even cross her mind. That's my problem.

The amusing thing (in my head at least) is she's already told me the constant random appearances is bothering her as well. But she won't say anything because she is a perpetual people pleaser. She wouldn't want to offend. I may say something if it doesn't stop but I'm giving the lady the benefit of the doubt of being overly friendly. Knocking on our door to ask for change, to inquire about something you could easily phone the school about, and so on is unnecessary. But again, it's not the neighbour. I really don't care about her.

I constantly tell my wife how I feel or think about things. It's how I've always been. She doesn't have to guess, mind read, figure out, or otherwise not know precisely what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling. I've always been open with her in that regard, I know it fascilitates proper communication and her affair didn't change that about me.

I don't need to just vent, although I suppose in a way it has opened my eyes about myself. I need to do a lot more things about myself. I need to find new ways to cope and deal with my emotions and I need to find a way to embrace them. Otherwise I'm going to turn out to be a miserable misanthrope bitter at life.I can't keep goiing this way or i'm going to head down the same path she once did. I won't cheat, but I'll become so self involved and resentful I'll probably do something equally as stupid and damaging. I'm already thinking stupidly enough at times as is.

It needs to change. I need to. Just need to find out how.

Anyways, thank you so much for your response. i very much appreciate it. And it's done a lot to help my troubled mind tonight.

I feel like I've spent too much time typing and thinking about this. Need to go get sleep. I hope I make sense and my spelling and/or grammar errors aren't a problem. Thank you all for the replies.

Sadwife222 posted 10/9/2013 07:27 AM

Have you thought about this:
Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy developed by Francine Shapiro that emphasizes disturbing memories as the cause of psychopathology [1][2] and alleviates the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). EMDR is used for individuals who have experienced severe trauma that remains unresolved.[3] According to Shapiro, when a traumatic or distressing experience occurs, it may overwhelm normal cognitive and neurological coping mechanisms. The memory and associated stimuli are inadequately processed and stored in an isolated memory network.[1] The goal of EMDR therapy is to process these distressing memories, reducing their lingering effects and allowing clients to develop more adaptive coping mechanisms. This is done in an eight-step protocol that includes having clients recall distressing images while receiving one of several types of bilateral sensory input, including side to side eye movements.[4] The use of EMDR was originally developed to treat adults suffering from PTSD; however, it is also used to treat other conditions and children."

AFrayedKnot posted 10/9/2013 07:33 AM

I get it. I get the exhaustion. I get the frustration. I get the sick. I get the tired. I get that every situation is tainted by the fallout of A, whether I realize it or not. I get the fear that it will always be that way. That peace will never come.

There are many days I want to run. There are many days I think I should run. I know I will find peace alone. I don't doubt that one bit. That's what makes it so hard.

But even with that peace I know I will not be happy. I know that the joy of my family can never be replaced.

Lose/Lose situation if you ask me.. And I am angry that I have been put in this position against my will.

So what do I do? I read stories of hope. I read 2-5 years. I read its a rollercoaster. I read R is not linear. I read that old habits take a long time to change.

I look at where we are at. Its better than it was 6 months ago. That was better than a year ago. And that was better than two years ago......progress not perfection.

Buttons will still be pushed on both sides. Exhaustion will happen on both sides. Triggers will happen on both sides. Bad days will happen on both sides.

What to do and where to start? Honest productive communication!!! You and your W are each others eyes and ears. point out each others short comings in a loving way. Communicate what the buttons are, what he triggers are, what the frustrations are. Know it is not an attack but a sincere attempt to help each other grow.

I reading your post I see a huge breakdown in communication on both sides. It happens, don't beat yourself or her up for it. Learn from it and move forward.

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