5454real, you're awesome dude. You don't need to say anything else. Thanks.
SpiderGrl and h0peless, thanks for the thoughts.
ladies_first, no, one of those things isn't like the others. Why are you taking disparate quotes taken out of their context to somehow ascertain a point that isn't there? I triggered yesterday about her removing her pants. It was a solitary incident having nothing to do with anything else. I said it as such to illustrate that I'm sick of triggers.
And today's incident has nothing to do with her affair. At all. Implying such is disingenuous to my issue at hand. That said it wouldn't have ever been a problem or even an issue had she never cheated. It's just one of those things that is an issue now because the relationship dynamic has changed. I was happy, content, pleased with how our relationship was before (though I now look back and see it wasn't good enough). Things that were minor issues of inconsideration would have been ignored and life gone on. That doesn't happen anymore. That's what my comment to her was meant for. My intention of meaning probably only worked out in my terrible thinking at the time. Had she never had sex with someone else little shit today wouldn't bug me but I'm seemingly unable to cope with the pain thus making everything seem worse even if unrelated to the affair, though still inconsiderate to me as a person. I'm sick as hell, tired and I don't think I'm wording this correctly.
I'm sure there's more than a large majority of BSs here on SI who share that same sentiment. Not every event in a relationship has a direct correlation to the infidelity, but that sure doesn't mean it isn't filtered through the lens of the affair tainting everything.
And no, I'm not jealous. Why would I be? I don't like your implication I'm not being honest. I am always honest, and I'm well aware of myself. I could have easily slanted my post in a way that would engender favour to my "side" and demonize my wife, but I didn't because that would be dishonest. I don't try to paint some flowery romanticized version of myself, as I know I chose to deal with things poorly today. Said so. I don't see how you take me as being dishonest.
Also, no I haven't met this woman's husband (don't even think she has one) and don't care to if she has one. Why is that relevant?
karmahappens, before I address what you said I suppose I should state what happened after my last post...
I'll summarize since we talked for an hour. I went downstairs and my wife was looking through our boxes of movies. I sat nearby and said I wanted to talk to her. She didn't want to. I told her she was perfectly within her right to be angry. and that I'm not reacting well to anything. I apologized for effectively insulting her (though not my intent - but as I say intent doesn't mean shit) and choosing to not deal with things properly. I pointed out what I didn't like about her own actions and choice of words and she agreed with me and understood. She pointed out I didn't give her a chance to say or do anything, which I agreed with. We then just started talking about my problems at large.
Life is getting to me and I'm not handling it well. She told me I can, I said I can't, I don't know how. She told me that's an excuse I tell myself to give up and she knows I can deal with things. I told her I'm just sick and tired of always being strong, always handling things well, always doing what's right. I've been strong my whole life, she never has been until recently. That my life's beaten the tar out of me and I could take everything on until she hurt me and I don't know how to deal with that hurt. I don't have the tools, I'm not equipped to do it. My own coping mechanisms, though they've served me well and don't hurt others, aren't sufficient to work through this.
I'm failing myself and her. I've put too much expectations on her and there's only so much she can do. If I keep being this way I'll eventually cave into my oldest most reliable coping mechanism, walking away from everything. But that never actually solved my problems, they always persisted. This doesn't have to be this way. She truly has changed but I've been expecting that to somehow make me feel better. It can only do so much, she can only do so much. I brought up my one uncle who was paralyzed when I was a toddler. I grew up knowing him to be in a wheel chair. I remember him being such an awesome vibrant man. As time went on he wallowed in his predicament and gave into bitterness. He never exhibited this to others in a negative way, but his life ended when he was crippled, not when he actually died nearly 20 years later. He let an unfair event that he had no control of damage him and he stayed that way.
I've been operating under this mindframe of "she did this to me, she can fix it". But she can't fix me, only herself. She can help me, but only as much as I allow. She told me I need to actually feel my feelings which I don't. She said I don't allow myself to be happy, to feel secure, to feel safe, to feel anything. I'm not even allowing myself to truly feel my pain. I told her I don't know how. The way I grew up... I just don't know how. I told her that my counsellor said something similar earlier this year. I intellectually and rationally understand the world more clearly than most people can, but I'm not in tune with my actual emotions. I'm afraid of them. She pretty much echoed him tonight.
I told her I don't know how to do that, I told her I'm afraid to. I'm afraid to feel anything. I don't want this hurt anymore and I'm afraid of enjoying anything in life because it always ends up bad. I pointed out what happened with our cat as an example. She could have easily died. My wife pointed out she didn't though and I'm not even embracing that. She said I'm only happy with the baby and nothing else. That I've stopped living life and will turn out like my uncle. I told her that's exactly my point and what I don't want to happen.
I'm going to push her away and isolate myself in life in hopes of not being hurt anymore if I don't change. I'm terrified of being hurt again, by anything. I need to heal from what she did to me but I simply haven't done enough. I don't know how. She told me I should post on here more, I should go back to counselling, I should write again. That I need to deal with my feelings and not the facts or events of life. I looked at her and asked her how she changed because I don't know how to. She said it was incredibly hard and still is but she just told herself one day she had to and had to constantly rejigger with her brain every single day. She said she didn't want to because it was too hard, the idea of it was too hard, but she made herself.
We talked more, but that's the gist of it.
Anyways, karmahappens, I'm going to be honest... I want to be done with myself. I'm like the nexus of all my problems. I used to tap into this inexhaustible inner strength to will myself forward in life. But I never actually solved a problem, never implemented a solution to an issue. Why? All problems and issues in my life couldn't be fixed, they were the result of toxic unhealthy people around me that needed to go away. And they did... then my wife betrayed me.
I feel so lost as to what to do with that. I don't know what I'm feeling, how to deal with these feelings, what to do. I'm so lost and confused. It's easy to be strong and resilient when you left the flames wash over you as the world burns everywhere you look. But I was free of all that, I won my freedom from bullshit and then she imploded taking me with her. Her she is now better than she's ever been and I'm... I'm not any better with myself. And I need to be. I need to be or this won't work.
I won't be better off away from her. I'll hate myself for giving up and I'll convince myself it's okay because at least the pain won't be as bad. Won't be as apparent. But if anything I should know better. The pain's always with me, always there. I carry it every day. It weighs me down and I can no longer move. My wife's affair was the extra weight I could no handle.
I appreciate so much your candor with how well your life has turned out. It gives me hope and you're one of many who are further out from this horrible stuff who has shared that sentiment with me. But I hear it and I cannot see. I cannot see because I don't know how to handle this.
She is my best friend, my wife, the best person I've ever known... I can't figure out how to deal with this emotionally. It's like I haven't. I have all the rational and pragmatic pieces of this in place. I understand. But I don't feel. I am overwhelmed with the feelings to the point of numbness and I don't know what to do. I wasn't taught how to deal with THIS, I never figured out how to deal with THIS, I dont know what to do with THIS. Other things, yes of course, but not this. I want this to work, I want that happy life I see, but how on earth do I get it?
I totally understand what you say about letting go, but I don't know how to emotionally get there at all. I feel overwhelmed by this and just life in general.
As for the neighbour... It's not even the neighbour. It's my own self righteous indignation that in that moment she didn't think to tell me. She admitted she understands. It's the principle, not the actual event. In this regard though my wife has been made more than aware, even years before her affair was a thing, that I don't like how I can be an afterthought with her inconsideration. It's not a one time event. We actually just had an issue last week with her going to get our daughter from the bus stop and she didn't return home with her for over 40 minutes. I sat here wondering what was going on. She could have easily told me she was letting her play but I got nothing. Did she get off the bus okay? Is she okay? Did you go somewhere? Did something happen? Are you okay? Nothing. A quick "she got off the bus fine and I'm letting her play for a bit" text would suffice, instead, nothing. Today I look up and they're gone. Sure I can assume she went with the neighbour, but nothing. No, "we're going to their home to meet others", no "hey, wanna come meet the neighbours?", "hey I'm just going out be back whenever". Just tell me what's going on within my life. But I wasn't even a thought in her head, which she admits. THAT is the problem. I didn't even cross her mind. That's my problem.
The amusing thing (in my head at least) is she's already told me the constant random appearances is bothering her as well. But she won't say anything because she is a perpetual people pleaser. She wouldn't want to offend. I may say something if it doesn't stop but I'm giving the lady the benefit of the doubt of being overly friendly. Knocking on our door to ask for change, to inquire about something you could easily phone the school about, and so on is unnecessary. But again, it's not the neighbour. I really don't care about her.
I constantly tell my wife how I feel or think about things. It's how I've always been. She doesn't have to guess, mind read, figure out, or otherwise not know precisely what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling. I've always been open with her in that regard, I know it fascilitates proper communication and her affair didn't change that about me.
I don't need to just vent, although I suppose in a way it has opened my eyes about myself. I need to do a lot more things about myself. I need to find new ways to cope and deal with my emotions and I need to find a way to embrace them. Otherwise I'm going to turn out to be a miserable misanthrope bitter at life.I can't keep goiing this way or i'm going to head down the same path she once did. I won't cheat, but I'll become so self involved and resentful I'll probably do something equally as stupid and damaging. I'm already thinking stupidly enough at times as is.
It needs to change. I need to. Just need to find out how.
Anyways, thank you so much for your response. i very much appreciate it. And it's done a lot to help my troubled mind tonight.
I feel like I've spent too much time typing and thinking about this. Need to go get sleep. I hope I make sense and my spelling and/or grammar errors aren't a problem. Thank you all for the replies.