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Is it possible....

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BrooklynGirl posted 10/8/2013 20:24 PM

to just be friends with the OP after the A has ended?

Maybe talking once in a while, but nothing else?

I definitely could not do this, but just wondering?

JustDesserts posted 10/8/2013 20:26 PM

No.

authenticnow posted 10/8/2013 20:26 PM

Nope.

LosferWords posted 10/8/2013 20:28 PM

An A is a fake relationship. Any semblance of friendship afterwards would be a fake friendship.

My answer would be no.

ETA: Had to add - since you are still married, any type of friendship you maintained with the OP would be an extension of the affair, IMO. I know it was a rhetorical question, but I felt I should add that in there since you were asking, and you are still married.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 8:32 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

cinnamongurl posted 10/8/2013 20:41 PM

Nope!!

Aubrie posted 10/8/2013 20:45 PM

Nope. Not even a little bit.

You leaped over boundaries with another man. You can never undo that. There is no going back. You can''t un-cheat with him. The damage is done.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 8:46 PM, October 8th, 2013 (Tuesday)]

authenticnow posted 10/8/2013 20:51 PM

Think about how disrespectful this is to your BH, continuing a friendship with a man you cheated on him with.

This is how it went for me. EA that lasted about 10 months...we were going to talk 'as friends' every once in awhile. Once a week turned into every day again after the first week. We thought we had this friendship thing down, and we weren't hurting anybody anymore because we weren't doing anything wrong. Right?

Another A, this time a PA. It ended and we'd talk every once in awhile. I had to call him on his birthday of course, we were friends! The next time he called me, we talked for a few minutes and then it started, 'I want to see you again. When can we meet?'

Just some perspective. You CANNOT be friends with a former AP.

cinnamongurl posted 10/8/2013 20:52 PM

OK BG, look at it this way, If the roles were reversed, how would you feel if H had an A and then remained "just friends" with AP?

Darkness Falls posted 10/8/2013 21:14 PM

Not possible.

NoGoodUsername posted 10/9/2013 05:23 AM

Let's just say, it's an extremely bad idea.

It's very disrespectful of the betrayed spouse. It recreates many of the dynamics of the affair. The person's presence in your life is a regular reminder and introduces doubt constantly. This person partnered with you in betraying your spouse, how do you think that might feel to him? I could go on, but need to leave for work.

Seriously, don't do it. Don't try. You need to permanently go 'no contact'.

JustDesserts posted 10/9/2013 07:37 AM

Brooklyngirl: I can't remember - have you told your betrayed husband about your affair yet?

Alyssamd24 posted 10/9/2013 07:47 AM

My situation is similar to authentic. ...my A was a PA for only 3 months, but was an EA for an additional 8 months, though we told ourselves and each other we were just friends....we were just friends who spoke every single day, emailing and texting back and forth constantly. We were just friends who hid it from our BS cuz if they knew they would be angry. We weren't just friends....we simply used that title cuz it made us feel better about what we were doing.

Not only is it betraying your spouse, it is also betraying yourself and keeping you in an unhealthy situation where you will constantly try to justify your actions.

Once the A ends you need to cut the AP out of your life completely

BrooklynGirl posted 10/9/2013 07:54 AM

JustDesserts,
No, I haven't told my H yet. I will tell him, but I don't know when.

I'm seeing a therapist once a week to help me get through this mess. I need to first work on getting myself together and then I feel I can tell him. There is no question that I am very afraid, but I need to do it when I feel it's the right time.

Deeply Scared posted 10/9/2013 08:08 AM

There is no question that I am very afraid, but I need to do it when I feel it's the right time.

BG....when is the right time to expose such tragic news? Waiting for the right time is only an excuse to not do the right thing.

Seldom is bringing news to someone that will most likely break their heart wide open an easy thing to do, but in order to fully heal and also better ourselves it's the only path to take.

Of course that is just my opinion because if I kept news like this from my H...I would be in constant fear of the truth coming out, which it will at some point.

I'm sorry you're struggling with so much, I think we all can identify with what you're going through.

JustDesserts posted 10/9/2013 09:04 AM

JustDesserts,
No, I haven't told my H yet. I will tell him, but I don't know when.

I'm seeing a therapist once a week to help me get through this mess. I need to first work on getting myself together and then I feel I can tell him. There is no question that I am very afraid, but I need to do it when I feel it's the right time.

I didn't recall seeing the part where you told your husband in any posts. Until you do that, you are your own worst enemy. "I need to do it when I feel it's the right time" is a sentence that punctuates your selfish self being selfish.

Let me put this gently, and IMHO:

1) The ONLY "right time" to tell your betrayed husband is right now. Convincing yourself otherwise is just your "affair fogged" selfish self continuing to be deceitful, selfish, and cruel.

2) Your therapist is an enabler, and not a friend of your marriage, if he/she doesn't suggest your betrayed spouse deserves to know RIGHT NOW. What, are you two going to run up a tab and burn through Kleenex while you ponder and pine away at what you will lose? You cheated on him for, if I recall, 13 years? That's 13 selfish years. How about you try Day One of unselfish?

I can't see how you can work on getting yourself together until you come clean.

You must be exhausted holding together this charade for so long. I'm exhausted just imagining myself in your shoes. Aren't you ready to come clean? When is your real you going to be given a chance? Every single day of continued lies just digs you that much deeper.

cl131716 posted 10/9/2013 09:06 AM

WS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:32 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

cs2384 posted 10/9/2013 09:08 AM

No, absolutely not. Never. Don't try to justify it. It's not worth it.

Card posted 10/9/2013 11:49 AM

Is it possible??? NOPE

And a comment on this;

I'm seeing a therapist once a week to help me get through this mess. I need to first work on getting myself together and then I feel I can tell him. There is no question that I am very afraid, but I need to do it when I feel it's the right time.

There is no right time for your H to know the truth.

BG, you cannot straighten out a mess until you've been honest with all involved.

Your H is wondering around trying to figure out what's broken with his marriage and probably thinks it's something he's done.... Yet, you are withholding one of the most critical pieces of information about his marriage that he has a right to know....

It's tortuous to keep this secret to both you and your H.

You get to vote on what you're doing with this infidelity secret. Your H still has no voice on the matter, because he's being fed shit sandwiches rather than the truth.

Allow him the freedom to vote by letting him in on the secrets.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this so much.... It will no longer be "your" struggle when you finally share the truth.

Be well!

stilllovinghim posted 10/9/2013 17:21 PM

Everyone answered with a resounding "NO". However, why are you "just wondering"?

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