Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: jpickup0824

Reconciliation :
One week

This Topic is Archived
default

 Jannarae (original poster new member #39849) posted at 2:27 AM on Wednesday, October 9th, 2013

It's been one week since dday #2 and H making the phone call to OW for no contact. But he keeps telling me he loves her and he doesn't love me. A week ago I told him that if she was what he wanted then he should go to her, but he chose to stay. I just don't understand why or what he's doing. I don't know whether to keep trying or just give up. I'm lost and alone. Just looking for advice...

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2013   ·   location: Colorado
id 6516150
default

MovingUpward ( member #14866) posted at 2:57 AM on Wednesday, October 9th, 2013

But he keeps telling me he loves her and he doesn't love me

Sounds like he is fence sitting. You either put your foot firmly down or you continue to let him ride. If you put your foot down this won't mean that he will necessarily come on board to work with you. So if you are not quite ready for that outcome then focus on some healing for yourself until you are strong enough to make a decision and hold to it.

posts: 54450   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2007
id 6516200
default

 Jannarae (original poster new member #39849) posted at 4:11 AM on Wednesday, October 9th, 2013

A part of me thinks he's toying with me. Just trying to remind me that he can get someone else if he "feels" unhappy. Which is wrong in so many ways isn't it? I just don't understand...why stay and make a no contact phone call if he doesn't really want to be here? Maybe I'm just kidding myself with hope...

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2013   ·   location: Colorado
id 6516305
default

 Jannarae (original poster new member #39849) posted at 3:48 PM on Wednesday, October 9th, 2013

Has no one been here before? In this situation...

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2013   ·   location: Colorado
id 6516688
default

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:22 PM on Wednesday, October 9th, 2013

It's hard to be hopeful about the facts you report.

Your H sounds pretty effed up. I don't know if he's a sociopath or very worried about his own sexuality or just immature or something else entirely.

Why didn't you D him 2 years ago? Why did you let him come back? Why are you accepting this treatment now?

What are you feeling - anger, grief, fear, numb?

You deserve a lot better than he's giving you. You can't change him, but you can change yourself. Have you considered IC with a goal of being good to yourself?

We all adapt to the lives we experience. Behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that work at one time can stop working, and it's hard to adapt to new conditions. In other words, I do not mean the above as criticism. I suggest IC because it's easier to change with help than without it.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 31127   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 6516741
default

 Jannarae (original poster new member #39849) posted at 10:13 PM on Wednesday, October 9th, 2013

I didn't divorce him because we had a great agreement as far as the kids and what he was paying me. I just didn't want the courts involved. I let him back because I love him and for my boys. I can't answer the question of why I'm accepting this treatment because I don't know honestly. I feel all of those things, but numb most days. I have thought about IC just haven't actually followed through with it. I know I'm only hurting myself by not doing it...

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2013   ·   location: Colorado
id 6517279
default

topperoff22 ( member #40762) posted at 11:36 PM on Wednesday, October 9th, 2013

Stand up for yourself and go see an attorney. There are more men out there who will love you and if he doesn't then buh-bye. He may get a wake up call one way or another. The best thing for you could be his leaving or, even better, you leaving first and finding out who you are without him and with someone who love and respects you. Expecting you to stay when he doesn't love you is not respect. I am angry for you!

BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

posts: 316   ·   registered: Sep. 23rd, 2013   ·   location: US
id 6517439
default

topperoff22 ( member #40762) posted at 11:38 PM on Wednesday, October 9th, 2013

I didn't divorce him because we had a great agreement as far as the kids and what he was paying me.

Whoa...I am confused here. Are you his wife or his babysitter? Does he pay you for sex too? He is degrading you. Get out and get back your self respect!

BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

posts: 316   ·   registered: Sep. 23rd, 2013   ·   location: US
id 6517445
default

 Jannarae (original poster new member #39849) posted at 3:07 AM on Thursday, October 10th, 2013

Um not quite sure about that last reply. He was paying me alimony and child support, quite a bit more than I would of got if I took him to court so I chose not to divorce him. Kinda a kick a girl while she's down kinda reply...and for the record I don't sleep with him by my choice.

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2013   ·   location: Colorado
id 6517788
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy