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Jannarae posted 10/8/2013 20:27 PM

It's been one week since dday #2 and H making the phone call to OW for no contact. But he keeps telling me he loves her and he doesn't love me. A week ago I told him that if she was what he wanted then he should go to her, but he chose to stay. I just don't understand why or what he's doing. I don't know whether to keep trying or just give up. I'm lost and alone. Just looking for advice...

MovingUpward posted 10/8/2013 20:57 PM

But he keeps telling me he loves her and he doesn't love me

Sounds like he is fence sitting. You either put your foot firmly down or you continue to let him ride. If you put your foot down this won't mean that he will necessarily come on board to work with you. So if you are not quite ready for that outcome then focus on some healing for yourself until you are strong enough to make a decision and hold to it.

Jannarae posted 10/8/2013 22:11 PM

A part of me thinks he's toying with me. Just trying to remind me that he can get someone else if he "feels" unhappy. Which is wrong in so many ways isn't it? I just don't understand...why stay and make a no contact phone call if he doesn't really want to be here? Maybe I'm just kidding myself with hope...

Jannarae posted 10/9/2013 09:48 AM

Has no one been here before? In this situation...

sisoon posted 10/9/2013 10:22 AM

It's hard to be hopeful about the facts you report.

Your H sounds pretty effed up. I don't know if he's a sociopath or very worried about his own sexuality or just immature or something else entirely.

Why didn't you D him 2 years ago? Why did you let him come back? Why are you accepting this treatment now?

What are you feeling - anger, grief, fear, numb?

You deserve a lot better than he's giving you. You can't change him, but you can change yourself. Have you considered IC with a goal of being good to yourself?

We all adapt to the lives we experience. Behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that work at one time can stop working, and it's hard to adapt to new conditions. In other words, I do not mean the above as criticism. I suggest IC because it's easier to change with help than without it.

Jannarae posted 10/9/2013 16:13 PM

I didn't divorce him because we had a great agreement as far as the kids and what he was paying me. I just didn't want the courts involved. I let him back because I love him and for my boys. I can't answer the question of why I'm accepting this treatment because I don't know honestly. I feel all of those things, but numb most days. I have thought about IC just haven't actually followed through with it. I know I'm only hurting myself by not doing it...

topperoff22 posted 10/9/2013 17:36 PM

Stand up for yourself and go see an attorney. There are more men out there who will love you and if he doesn't then buh-bye. He may get a wake up call one way or another. The best thing for you could be his leaving or, even better, you leaving first and finding out who you are without him and with someone who love and respects you. Expecting you to stay when he doesn't love you is not respect. I am angry for you!

topperoff22 posted 10/9/2013 17:38 PM

I didn't divorce him because we had a great agreement as far as the kids and what he was paying me.

Whoa...I am confused here. Are you his wife or his babysitter? Does he pay you for sex too? He is degrading you. Get out and get back your self respect!

Jannarae posted 10/9/2013 21:07 PM

Um not quite sure about that last reply. He was paying me alimony and child support, quite a bit more than I would of got if I took him to court so I chose not to divorce him. Kinda a kick a girl while she's down kinda reply...and for the record I don't sleep with him by my choice.

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