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cinnamongurl posted 10/8/2013 21:36 PM

I don't have a question, this is more a kind of update/vent, here goes:

Things have been really wonderful lately, I moved back into our bedroom a few months ago, we got a "new" bed, and turned the room I lived in for a year into an office/studio. We cook together, support each others talents and interests, I have my best friend back! And I'm grateful every day that he gave me that one last chance to prove myself. I have/ continue to work and dig everyday, a work in progress.

Thing is, I'm really struggling today, I'm a giant ball of anxiety! This is something I struggle with when things are going well.

In the past I have sabotaged good days or times, both consciously and unconsciously. I am now aware that my lack of self confidence, and deeply ingrained guilt (FOO) caused me to feel like I didn't deserve happiness or good things, and would attempt to sabotage them before the natural order of the universe ruined these feelings for me.

With time, and an enormous amount of work, these negative self views are begining to fade and be replaced by a stronger more confident sense of myself. But now the anxiety comes on for a different reason, even though intellectually I know I have changed, I start to fear hating myself so thoroughly again.

Yesterday in IC, she asked me if I had forgiven myself, and just as I was about to say yes, I took a moment, thought deeply about it and answered honestly, no. But I have begun the process, and am working toward it. She then told me to be gentle with myself, forgiveness is not linear, there's no manual or right or wrong way to do it. She reminded me to be patient, and realize just how far I have come, and how much I have grown as a person.

I know that I've changed, and for the most part, I am beginning to actually like myself, its just that knowing I so easily allowed myself to slip away into someone I didn't recognize and deeply disliked scares the crap out of me. Im afraid of sliding back down that pit again.

I know I will work through it, and it will pass, but right now, it just sucks!

(Eta something I forgot)

[This message edited by cinnamongurl at 9:41 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

Jrazz posted 10/8/2013 22:52 PM


Sometimes when we're plodding along the path of growth and healing it's really hard to tell how far along we are.

As an outsider, you sound like you have much more peace and confidence than you did months ago.

Anxiety is still going to creep up, and that's ok. I guess what I'm saying is, it's ok not to have it all together.

Trust your BBF, and tell him how you are feeling. Together with him, your IC, and your new outlook on yourself you will NOT slide into that pit. You're doing great.

Edited to swap "H" for "BF"! Sorry for the oversight.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 1:21 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

cinnamongurl posted 10/8/2013 23:22 PM

Thank you jazz!

it's ok not to have it all together.
I read this in the voice of my IC she says the same thing, word for word! I understand it, and it makes perfect sense, and I'm practicing living my life this way! I suspect in time, and with consistent "practice" it should become easier.

I know I won't slide, my whole thought processes and outlook on my life, past future and most importantly, present have changed so much, I don't think I can ever forget how my "victim" mentality isolated me from the ones I loved and who loved me, and from myself(if that makes any sense ). I never want to be that unaware of how badly I was hurting SO and my family! All those lies that kept me sick, no more! It makes me physically flinch to hear others do it, and it makes me nauseous to think how many I have told in my lifetime!

Now i can see that I was just hurting myself and everyone around me so much! I nevet want to do that again!

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