SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Thefly559 posted 10/8/2013 22:08 PM

So It has been 7 months and my stbxww has a full time boyfriend and has had him for a year or so prior to divorce. She is obviously in love and has moved on . As it was so easy for her, I am having a hard time. I thought I was ready so I went on my first date with a girl I met online , she was nice , but I was emotional before the date and I felt so guilty . All I did on the date was compare her to my stbxww. I even talked about my stbxww , it was a mess. I think that means I am not ready. I wish I knew why. So my question is how did you know when you were ready to move on.? Will there be a sign? I hope this is posted in the right place if not please move

persevere posted 10/8/2013 23:15 PM

You have recognized you're not ready - listen to yourself and spend time just focusing on you and your interests independent of dating. There is no rush and you will know when you're ready.

heartbroken_kk posted 10/9/2013 00:32 AM

Yep. You're not ready. You even see the symptoms.

Are you in IC?

I think you need to work the 180 harder. Focus on YOU.

Do you have hobbies? Things you do for physical activity?

What sort of self-improvement project can you tackle? I think you will find more happiness working on something that makes you a better person after this hell you've been put through, than trying to bring another person into your life.

It sounds like you are not able to re-direct your thoughts. After the date you saw what you did, did you realize during the date you were talking about STBXWW? Were you just unable to change the subject? Does she occupy that much space in your head otherwise?

gma56 posted 10/9/2013 01:12 AM

T I M E !!! the four letter word all of us BS hate !
Have you done any reading about infidelity and looked deep into yourself ?
IC will help guide you through but a divorce group and really looking at yourself helps too.
Right now you're broken and it wouldn't be fair for you to involve another person until you've worked through what has happened.
One thing we as BS forget. The WS, many times, have months or years of detaching from us and the marriage. We need to do the work so we don't bring the XW/XH with us in the future.
Hugs and 7 mo from dday isn't long enough for most of us to be ready for dating.
ETA: One thing I realized when I knew I might be actually ready for someone else in my life is, I had no hate, no thoughts of FT, didn't care what he was doing or not, and just didn't give a damn about him any longer.
It didn't happen at once or fast for me.
When you hit indifference then you're close.

Gma

[This message edited by gma56 at 1:17 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

Thefly559 posted 10/9/2013 03:58 AM

Thank you all for the fast response . Yes I am in ic and yes I do so much physical activity that it consumes me ! I do whatever I can to keep my mind off her. I still have nightmares and a lot of anger towards her. My therapist says the same as you guys , that I need to pass anger and that I need to focus on me and that she had years to do what I had only months to do. So I need to be patient. But the boredom gets to me, I love the companionship of a woman. Not just sexually. The friendship, talk , etc.I guess I just need more time. I so look forward to the day I am ready.

She11ybeanz posted 10/11/2013 15:38 PM

I completely get where you are! I feel like I'm ready to date now...but my problem NOW is that I don't have a lot of time. I'm so busy with a full-time job....my 14 month old daughter.... training for my 3rd marathon.... that dating has taken a backseat...

Which is cool! I think its okay and I need to be a little selfish now and do the things that bring me joy... like 13 mile runs and baby cuddles!

I'm hoping that one day I will run into Mr. Right in aisle 5 of a grocery store while buying the ingredients for my next new recipe adventure! You never know! Life is full of surprises and I'm just trying to keep an open mind...and stay positive.

I used to let the loneliness consume me....but its not worth the misery. Just live life and love life and love yourself and love who you are BY YOURSELF... and then someone will one day admire your happy glow..... and want to be a part of it!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 3:39 PM, October 11th (Friday)]

Thefly559 posted 10/11/2013 16:03 PM

Shelly , thank you , it is so funny you say that because when I met my stbxww years ago , I had that glow , I remember her telling me that. That is what attracted her to me , guess I lost it somewhere along the line . trying hard to get it back.