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Big fight with WW - story gets weirder

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deeplysaddened posted 10/9/2013 00:36 AM

To recap, I am highly suspicious of my WW of having a PA. About a year and half ago, I got infected with pubic crabs (and I have never ever been unfaithful or shared linens/towels/bedding with an infected person). At the time, I did not think much of it and thought it was headlice. I treated myself and did not think about my WW infidelity - until this August 2013. I confronted my WW about the pubic crabs in late August 2013. She was highly defensive and accused me of cheating.

So, now I am in stealth mode trying to see what's up. About 2 weeks ago, my WW tells me that she is having vaginal itching. About a day later she then tells me that she has pain with urination. I tell her that we need to get this checked out and that I would schedule an appointment with her gynecologist. She told me that it wasn't necessary and that the symptoms would probably go away in a few days. A few days go by and now she is having pink and slightly bloody vaginal discharge. I guess it was bad enough because she finally asked to set up an appointment with her doc.

The provider was nice enough to see us that day. I was not able to stay for the appointment. But, they did some tests. However, when asked if there's possibility of STD, my WW said no. She was not tested for any STDs. Instead, my WW downplayed the vaginal itching and pain with urination and stressed the intermenstrual bleeding. They did a swab for bacterial makeup in the vagina (looking for BV or bacterial vaginosis - over overgrowth of harmful bacteria).

When I get home from running errands, my WW tells me that she got a call from the doc office. They said that the test for vaginal bacterial overgrowth is positive and that she needs an antibiotic (Metronidiazole) for treatment of presumably bacterial vaginosis.

Today, I talked to the provider about her appointment and the positive bacterial overgrowth test. When I asked the provider about the positive bacterial
overgrowth test, she seemed puzzled and told me that test was negative (and there was no need to take that medication). As we talked more, I ask her if other tests were performed (STD testing and pap smear). These tests were not done.

Anways, I get things straightened out and have WW scheduled to go in at the end of this week to get the pap smear, HPV test and STD testing. Of course, the provider said that I would need to talk to the WW about the STD testing.

When my WW gets home from work today, I tell about the tests and what we needed to do. I was honest and told her that there's a possibility that the cause for her symptoms could be due to cervical lesions, endometrial lining pathology, polpys, fibroids, and STD's. I told her that Chlamydia can certainly cause the problem.

Her reaction was interesting. First, she was kind of mad that we were told the wrong information about the bacterial overgrowth test. Then, she started to say we need to find a different provider.

I basically told her that these symptoms were serious and that we need to do all the tests to rule out or rule in the disease.

So after dinner, I am at my computer and the WW comes in and asks me when will I be apologizing to her for accusing her of infecting me with crabs. This came out of nowhere. Why toninght? She wanted to know when I would apologize for accusing her of being unfaithful. WTF?

Then we get into this heated discussion. She asks me why I thought we should have the provider run tests for STDs.

I take Bigger's advice and say that we need honesty and need to each take a poygraph test to see who is telling the truth about the crabs. She says I cheated. I say she brought the crabs into our marriage.

Of course, my WW refuses to take the polygraph. She says even if she passed the test, that I am so obsessed that I would not be satisfied and keep trying to find things to accuse her of. She goes on to tell me that I am the one with the problem and that she has done nothing wrong.

I asked her numerous times to get the polygraph. But, she was adamant and keep blaming me.

I asked her why of all nights would she come to me asking for an apology about the crabs. I mean that confrontation was in August 2013. Of course, she had no answer. I am thinking that she is worrying about the possibility that she contracted Chalmydia and that the next visit to the doc will prove it. but, I could be wrong.

This is really going nowhere. There is no way she will admit to any wrongdoing. I asked her what happens next if the test comes back positive for Chlamydia. She shrugged her shoulders and then began to accuse me of bringing the disease into the marriage. I told her that it was not possible because my recent STD checkup was negative for all diseases. She had no response.

This thing is getting ugly.

summerain posted 10/9/2013 01:12 AM

deeplysaddened, how heartbreaking. Bigger always has amazing advice and I hope he will be along shortly.

I would assume you have been told about the whole 'gaslighting'.

"No it was you that brought it into our marriage, no it was you who cheated"

She's putting you on the defensive route where you spend more time justifying why you didn't do either of these things.

Other than that I would drag her to that bloody doctor (no pun intended). She's being ridiculous and she knows that the game is coming to an end. There's no sort of way for her to 'save face' so to speak.

Good luck

wonderpets posted 10/9/2013 04:58 AM

I suppose it is STD test or divorce, that is the only way you can go with this. Some people would not admit a thing even if you caught them in the act, so you might have to be prepared to end it without any confession.

forlornheart posted 10/9/2013 05:06 AM

What a horrible situation. I don't really have advice other than I agree with Lauren, but I wonder if you should be checked as well.

If this is a recent infection from your wife she very well my have passed it on to you as well. I know because this happened to me as well....I found out when I was 4 months pregnant!

I almost lost that baby!

Deb

hummingbird8 posted 10/9/2013 05:35 AM

How are you talking with her doctors and setting every thing up for her? I don't know if she is cheating it seems your doing a lot of spying you would have found something but does your wife accuse you of being controlling?

How long have you been accusing her of cheating?

kannan posted 10/9/2013 05:50 AM

She gave you pubic crabs and she is asking you to apologise, Now she may be having clamydia and accussing you of cheating.

You dint have sex with anyone else so its sure for you that she had sex with someone else still she is gaslighting you and your response seems tooo weak.

She is abusing your intelligence and you are taking it. Stop this and ask her to get tested for STDs, get tested for STDs and ask her to stop her nauseating bull shits and come clean about her infidelities.

First put your big boy pant and act like a real man who is not ready to accept any more abuse.

OK now posted 10/9/2013 06:33 AM

It does seem as if your wife is afraid she has an STD; that will be proof of her affair and then she will have to face up to the upheaval that will cause.

She may refuse to allow the test to be carried out, but then if the infection is not identified and treated it may lead to severe complications later, so in reality she has little choice. Make sure she shows you the printed results of her tests; she may refuse to disclose if there are any positives.

You may be about to get the evidence you have sought for and were unable to obtain. Better start planning what you are going to do if a STD is revealed.

cayc posted 10/9/2013 08:09 AM

She gave you crabs and you know it was her. You don't need a poly, you need a full battery of STD tests, as does she.

I can't imagine a woman who puts up with vaginal itching and weird discharge and proceeds to lie to the doctor about it ... except for a cheater who goes to the doctor *with* her husband she's trying to hide things from. So this is going to be tough for you. For HER health, she needs to go to the doc without you there so she can be honest. But then of course, you have to believe what she tells you as a result of that appointment.

Of course, the provider said that I would need to talk to the WW about the STD testing.
Is your wife under 18? This makes no sense. Why do you have to do this?

I don't mean to be harsh because I can see that this gaslighting you're dealing with is crazy making, but what you do is tell your WW that there's no sex with you until she can prove to you that she has been tested for everything, including HIV, and has nothing. And not her word from a doctor's phone call, but a print out of the test results.

And then, when you have that clean panel? You tell your WW there's no sex with you until she can prove to you she's not having a PA. It's hardball time. I say this all the time to new folks, it's easy to get caught up in the emotion of the betrayal and forget that when someone fucks around on you, they are risking your life.

And if she squawks at any of this? That's what the 180 is for. To protect you, give you distance, give you back your power. If you 180, the only thing that will penetrate is her *actions* because at this point, words mean nothing. I mean, good lord, she'll put up with having the equivalent of jock itch in order to hide her transgressions from you! That's a woman who's lost right now. And you can't save her. I'm sorry.

atsenaotie posted 10/9/2013 08:11 AM

...we need honesty and need to each take a poygraph test to see who is telling the truth about the crabs. She says I cheated. I say she brought the crabs into our marriage.

deeplysaddened,

no, you do not need a polygraph. If you have been telling the truth in your post, then you know who is and is not telling the truth.

This is really going nowhere.

Because you keep accusing and she keeps denying. Change the dynamic. If you do not want t6o be married to a wife who contracts STDs and lies, thenstart taking steps to end the M.

I agree with hummingbird that you seem overly involved in her making, attending, following through with medical appointments.

Holly-Isis posted 10/9/2013 08:46 AM

If you didn't stay for the appointment, then you have only her word about the STD testing. My guess is she admitted it and that's why the doctor told you you needed to talk to your WW about it- nobody wants a lawsuit.

Even if your WW signed to release her healthcare info to you, th provider would be leery about basically outing an A to you.

Her reaction was interesting. First, she was kind of mad that we were told the wrong information about the bacterial overgrowth test. Then, she started to say we need to find a different provider.

Her reaction was a cover up. She didn't get the wrong results...she lied to you about the results. If your WW has the meds, she got the prescription from somewhere...likely another provider that DID do STD testing and doesn't have a release form signed.

toomanyregrets posted 10/9/2013 09:06 AM

I agree with wonderpets, give your WW a choice, test for STD's and the poly or D.

Her answer will tell you everything.

And if she chooses D, then tell her employer. At that point you'll have nothing to loose.

keptmypromise posted 10/9/2013 09:47 AM

Your WW, for whatever reason, is in the deny,deny,deny state. I have been there. I was suspicious for two years, and all accusations were responded to by making me out to be crazy. I went into stealth mode (phone spyware) to finally prove my suspicions. I feel your pain and frustration.

Jennifer99 posted 10/9/2013 09:55 AM

Tell her employer??

ReunitePangea posted 10/9/2013 09:57 AM

So, now I am in stealth mode trying to see what's up.

I do not think calling her doctor is stealth mode. That will definitely get back to her. You need to be more stealth in your stealth mode.

So after dinner, I am at my computer and the WW comes in and asks me when will I be apologizing to her for accusing her of infecting me with crabs. This came out of nowhere. Why toninght? She wanted to know when I would apologize for accusing her of being unfaithful. WTF?

She is obviously onto your stealth mode. She is trying to guilt you into stopping it. You are going to have to be extra stealth now because she is onto what you are doing.

That is if you need more evidence. The alternative is to say you have enough evidence and change it up. Taking steps to end the M would do this and maybe get her out of her spriral of lies, it may not though. Asking you to appologize is pretty deep in the fog.

Afraid2LoveAgain posted 10/9/2013 09:58 AM

Metronidazole is used to treat Trichomoniasis, which is an STD.

hummingbird8 posted 10/9/2013 11:53 AM

If you read up on Trich it can lay dormant for quite a while and both parties need to be treated.

LeopoldB posted 10/9/2013 12:47 PM

She is stalling and hoping for one of two outcomes.

1) She manages to keep her results from you and you never have definitive proof. Life goes on.

2) You test positive for STDs and she accuses you of giving it to her. She claims to be the BS.

RockyMtn posted 10/9/2013 12:49 PM

Holy-Isis brings up an interesting scenario. And it could explain why she all of the sudden wants a new provider...otherwise, it is going to be weird going in again for a 2nd round of tests that she just had done.

EvenKeel posted 10/9/2013 13:00 PM

Today, I talked to the provider about her appointment and the positive bacterial overgrowth test. When I asked the provider about the positive bacterial
overgrowth test, she seemed puzzled and told me that test was negative (and there was no need to take that medication). As we talked more, I ask her if other tests were performed (STD testing and pap smear). These tests were not done.

Of course the provider was 'puzzled'...they know she is lying and they are caught in the middle of what she told you versus what really happened.

Guess I am puzzled as to why the Provider would even be doing a follow-up conversation with you IF they had really already spoken to your W. Sounds like they are putting themself in a very ackward position in regards to patiend confidentiality.

You know what is really going on here - don't be fooled by all the smoke and mirrors.

Josephine01 posted 10/9/2013 13:08 PM

So sorry to say this, but it seems like it may be time for some drastic measures on your part. See an attorney, then let her know that you saw one. If she plays naive and asks you why tell her that you obviously think that she is a cheat and she claims that she is not. Ask her, "do you want to stay with someone who thinks that you are a cheater?" Then say, you don't want to stay with someone who you know cheated and won't even do the right thing and tell the truth. This may open the doors to communication.

She has brought disease to you , twice, and has no remorse for it and didn't even stop after the first time. Please deeplysaddened, take care of yourself.

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