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Torn - shows regret but nt remorse

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MJane posted 10/9/2013 05:28 AM

Am only a month in but something someone said in a previous post I read rang true - that if there isn't true remorse by end of first month it's probably unlikely to come...I had an argument last night about the A as essentially my H claims the issues of communication in our M post multiple miscarriages led him to shut down and that in turn led him to the A where he was seeking to communicate with someone and connect. I got very mad and said that a third person should never have been a solution he considered - he could either have left or put energies I to addressing what he felt with me but I refuse to take responsibility for him being an unfaithful man. Also I think he paints that period as he wants to see it - I remember us being happy expecting out first child. I am wondering whether I need to walk away as I am not seeing true remorse and I feel like a fool for staying when he doesn't show it...

forlornheart posted 10/9/2013 05:57 AM

I can't say whether you should leave or not but I do know you are not responsible even a little bit for his affair! He needs to own that 100%.

Problems in a marriage can be claimed by both parties....that I understand and agree, but there are choices that can be made that don't included infidelity!!!

No one forced him to do one asked him to do that....he made the choice all on his own to drop his pants.

Don't take blame for that......

I'm so sorry that you are here, but glad you found it because this is truly a great group. I'm new myself and have received such heartfelt support and great advice!

Hang in there......


jb3199 posted 10/9/2013 06:09 AM

You should be disappointed and angry that you have not seen remorse from your WH, but with all due respect about the comment of not seeing remorse in the first month...that is probably in the minority. Go over to the Wayward forum, or look on the I Can Relate thread for BS questions to WS---and you can see how it often takes months for them to start coming to their senses.

The last thing that I want to do is to justify your WH's behavior. He is acting like an effing idiot. And I don't think that you should "wait" for him to come around. As long as he is not showing remorse, then you should be working on an exit plan---because all you have to go off of at this time is his current behavior.

If he wants to currently provide you with a marriage that you don't want to be in, then accept that...and show him that you will not continue in this marriage. THAT is what has the best chance of pulling his head out of his ass---the reality that you won't stay in this current marriage.

And if he doesn't change? As difficult as it may be, you will already be on a path heading away from this infidelity.

anewday78 posted 10/9/2013 07:02 AM

I wholeheartedly agree with JB - even about the 1-month remorse theory. Everybody and every situation is different so to generalize like that is a bit far fetched. If right now he's not giving you what you need, you have to show him consequences. THAT will make him start to think and in order to think, he'll have to pull his head out of the orifice in which it's currently firmly planted. That'll be when he's likely to show you TRUE remorse and that'll be when you'll be able to make a more informed decision.

jjct posted 10/9/2013 07:27 AM

agree with jb, and this coming from a hardliner @ remorse.
If you turn it around, the question is not how long it takes for them to have remorse, but how long you tolerate the lack of it.

The sooner you can turn your mind into healing yourself, say, the first part of any exit plan is the 180, the better.

OldCow18 posted 10/9/2013 09:52 AM

We just hit 4 months past d-day and it's been hell on earth. There's been fog and TT and he freaking works with her AND he has temper problems. I am just now starting to see him understand wtf happened and really roll up his sleeves and do the work needed to maybe save this family. He was shell shocked too all this time. I don't buy into the 1 month rule at all, and glad I never saw that stat before now.

That being said, I agree with the others about not tolerating his crappy behavior. I was such a mess and unable to function that I think I tolerated much more than I should have, at 3 months I was strong enough to kick him out and we separated for a week. I WISH I had done that immediately after d-day, but live and learn I guess. The clarity I gained while being apart changed me for the better, I became strong again, I knew I would be ok with or without him and I knew I would not settle for his sh/t another minute longer. The terror HE experienced while being apart gave HIM clarity too, shit got real for him in a hurry. We couldn't have gotten there together, we had to do it alone.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 9:55 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

doggiediva posted 10/9/2013 11:07 AM

What jjct said..
****The question shouldn't be how long does it take for the WS to feel/express remorse but how long do we tolerate THE LACK of remorse****
This hit the nail squarely on the head for me..
It's not as if my marriage was so awesome to begin with.. I am not willing to put up with WS's Bull Crap to stay in it..

We still live in the same house but my WS's lack of remorse has killed any desire I ever had to save the M..I have no respect for WH, he is no longer attractive to me as a marriage partner..I see him as a needy, whiny immature POS.....I have been on the 180 course for a long time and I think WH thrives off of my 180..I can't wait until I am in a situation in which I can afford to physically leave and still be legally and financially protected..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:09 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

sodamnlost posted 10/9/2013 13:07 PM

Not sure about the one month thing. I do know it appears TRUE remorse is actually way more rare than it seems. I am a year out with an unremorseful WH who would rather live in his denial than fix his life. So - admitting I am biased here. BUT - I *KNEW* what this should look like and it hasn't yet and it won't. Not in my WH anyways. I wish I had the knowledge and courage to face it a month after my Dday. Only you know what you are willing to tolerate. It sucks either way.

Hugs and strength to you...

ReunitePangea posted 10/9/2013 13:52 PM

One month is often not enough sometimes. It took my WW 2 months to realize that she had to let go and send NC to OM. Regret often sets in fast, remorse takes time.

Your post sounds like your H is reaching to try to justify his actions by making marriage complaints. He hasnt been able to fully look in the mirror and accept blame for his actions.

Often I will hear the WS are 100% to blame for A, but the marriage is 50/50 line here. My advise is to not even go there, especially early after DDay - I don't think that type of thought process is good to go down in your type of situation. Don't accept any marriage blame. When you told him he had choices if he had problems with the marriage that is exactly the right move. Don't let him sneak rewritten marriage history in as partial blame for either A or M - that will only make it longer for him to get to remorse if he will ever be able to get there.

In my situation with my WW I told her when we are talking about the A, I will not allow any discussion of any M issues to be even allowed. If she wants to talk about a M issue that is a separate conversation but it will not be discussed in an A discussion.

MJane posted 10/9/2013 14:16 PM

Thank you everyone - so damn hard to want to see true remorse and feel let so conflicted given we have a small child and we have moments every day when we play with him that I forget all this for a short period. I hate that I can't make this go away and feels like such a tragic waste

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 10/9/2013 14:52 PM

All of us have different stories and different waywards. I wouldn't put too much faith into the one month timeline for remorse. My wife didn't express any real remorse until about 7 months or so. Terrible. But I would add that the longer you go without seeing remorse, the less likely it is to come.

I also agree with jjct. At some point the pain of dealing with a remorseless spouse just isn't worth it anymore.

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