In the main my S from WXW has been fine. Sure there has been the usual ups and downs of dealing with her ways, but its pretty settled.
DS (9) has been a bit unsettled of late though. He says he is missing me a lot when he's at WXW's place and we've spoken a couple of times.
He doesn't know the details of the A, or indeed that this is what it was that led to our S. We judged them both too small to know about that (7 and 4 at the time).
First he wanted to know if it was something he had done (he has been consistently and frequently reassured over the last 2 years that it wasn't anything to do with him). I again made it clear that it was nothing that he or his sister did wrong - nothing at all. He asked what it was. I was a bit taken aback but told him that we had grown up problems and that some of them can be sorted out and some cant. The problems between me and WXW could not be sorted out and we took the very hard decision to S - we didn't do it lightly. He seemed OK with this.
Then he asked why it was me that stayed in the marital home and not his mum. Did mummy want to go somewhere else? I told him no - that me staying was the only way we could keep the house in the family so that is what we did (which is true). Again he seemed to understand this and agreed that it was good that we kept the house - it means a lot to him.
He also said he was pleased that we didn't fight (me and WXW) and that childcare was properly planned.
Then last night we spoke again and he tells me that he is worried that he and WXW don't get along very well. She is always shouting at him and doesn't listen when he says his piece. She often takes his sister's side when the two of them quarrel (I have seen this consistently and know it to be true). He is worried that they will not get on well when he is older. He feels angry quite a lot when he is with her. I rarely ever see him angry.
I spoke to him a bit about the times his mum is shouting at him and what was happening. I also suggested that he speak to her about this. He said he has tried but she ends up shouting at him again. I reassured him that his mum loves him (she does) and that they can sort this out, but that they need to talk to each other. He said he will speak to her again.
So - a couple of things here. The first is that I am wondering what is going on here. It feels like he is asking roundabout questions about his mum and her role in the S. I always felt that he knew at some level, maybe not consciously, but knew nonetheless that this was something WXW had done. This almost feels like that semi-awareness is starting to bubble up, which I did always wonder if it might.
The other thing is that while he may talk to her, I doubt it will go that well for him. She is so wrapped up in her own guilt and the trials and tribulations of the life that she chose, that she struggles to really take anything else on board - even the valid concerns of her own kids. He is also only 9 and does not always express himself clearly.
Now her and I do communicate quite well about issues concerning the kids and I could intervene a little here and make her aware of this. She actually does listen to me when it comes to the kids.
But I am undecided as to what to do, if anything. On the one hand I do think this is a problem of her own making and I am certainly not in the business of rescuing her. On the other hand, this is my boy we are talking about and while I know I can't solve this, I could at least have a positive influence.
What do y'all think?