I guess I have a different opinion about whether or not to tell others. Everyone's situation is different.
My WH was in a very entrenched EA turned PA long-term affair with a co-worker. They wouldn't break off contact and still worked with each other. He refused to go to MC or change jobs. After I caught them texting again (after he told me it had stopped) I confronted both her and her husband. She is not a very nice person to say the least. She started telling the community that I was crazy, blah, blah, blah. She is very aggressive and is always out for a fight. I determined I had to fight fire with fire or she was going to ruin my reputation with her defamation. I have a service business in a small town and it would affect my business. I couldn't take this from her.
In addition when you are at the very worst time of your pain and despair you need people to talk to not just your counselor or one friend. In my case, I was reaching out for anyone who could help me since I was close to a nervous breakdown.
After confrontation he still refused to send her a no contact letter and refused MC. I proceeded to tell him of all the friends and family I told and told him that I wasn't doing it to hurt him, but to save our marriage. Then I took all my evidence to his/her's work HR dept and had a meeting with both of their bosses. Also, she had been sending me threatening texts saying she had already called the police, etc. It was such crap because all I did was walk up to her and tell her to stay away from my husband. And her husband has the right to know about their affair because I got HPV from the A. After the meeting with HR, her boss said "well it looks like you're NOT crazy." They didn't get fired, but were banned from ever working again together and thankfully they work in separate buildings. I still want him to change his job.
My situation was extreme because of his refusal to work on the marriage, do MC and have no contact. In my case, exposure worked because it was only after I did exposure that it got him out of the fantasy affair world he was living in and got him to start realizing what he had done. I truly believe that exposure is the way to go, but I realize it isn't correct in all circumstances like when the WS is remorseful and willing to work on R. I didn't make this exposure decision quickly or lightly. I did tons of research about it and thought about it for a long time and talked to others on other forums. I thought what could I lose I don't have a marriage anyway if he is not willing to do MC and go NC. I consider myself a nice, quiet person who doesn't like confrontation so this exposure step for me was very, very difficult and the hardest thing I have ever done. I was putting everything on the line because my husband could have lost his job. I thought to myself am I acting out of revenge. I determined I was not, because of the type of OP I was dealing with. She had to be treated this way otherwise she would have kept pursuing my WH and would have kept defaming my character. Since I exposed both of them at her work I have not heard a peep form her. It worked in my case. But there are some people in my family who thought I did it out of revenge (he was a FWH), but they aren't living with my WH nor are they living my life. Everyone's circumstance is different.
I say exposure worked in my case because now there is a NC plan in place, the A is over, he is getting more remorseful as time goes and we have had over 20 sessions of MC so far and things are getting better. He is not as remorseful yet as I would like him to be, but he may get there.
Exposure made my WH very, very angry at me which is exactly what I expected. The angrier he got the more I knew that I did exposure correctly. After several terrible few days he was back and more remorseful and more willing to work on our M. Only then did he start coming out of his affair fog.
I 100% realize that my situation is totally different than yours. Please forgive me, I guess I'm just venting.
I'm sorry for the circumstance you find yourself in.
[This message edited by Simba at 3:50 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]