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Is there something wrong with me?

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Dawnie posted 10/9/2013 08:54 AM

Need to vent...

I have been married to new husband 2 years. A great 2 years, we are best friends and are both very happy.

H works full time as a HVAC tech and does a lot of side work fixing peoples a/c and heat units. He has a large customer base including a family who owns and rents several homes and call him almost monthly for repairs on these rentals. This family was my husbands neighbor when he was a child, and their daughter (who is in charge of the maintenance on the houses) was his high school sweetheart. They dated a while and ended up breaking up when he went into the military 25 years ago. I have met her and she is extremely overweight and frumpy, I feel no logcal threat from her but it does annoy me that he has regular contact with his "first love"... to me its just annoying more than anything. I have voiced to him that this rubs me the wrong way and he assures me that it was 25+ years ago and no feelings at all remain, and the only reason he is involved with them is because of the large client base it gives him...and its always all business... and I do believe him.

Here is where it gets sticky --- since he knows this rubs me the wrong way I have caught him going to service calls for her and just not telling me to avoid upsetting me. The funny thing is that I can tell just by looking at him when he is hiding something from me, and twice in the past year this happened. When confronted he admits it and says he didnt think it was a big deal and just wants to avoid upsetting me. He knows the damage my XH did to me and often walks on eggshells when it comes to anything that he thinks will upset me....

I get why he just wants to avoid the issue but the fact that he is lying to me (by omission) just throws me into a mental state of triggers from XH from 4 years ago and I struggle to get myself back to 2013 and on track mentally. This happened yesterday and I had a HUGE meltdown and he swears that he gets it and will tell me when he goes on calls for her... I told him that I need to feel safe in a relationship and if I dont its a deal breaker.... I think he gets it.

I dont know what I am looking for from SI, just comments/opinions... maybe I'm just venting cause I feel like I am nuts some days..

Thanks for reading...

hummingbird8 posted 10/9/2013 11:28 AM

I just celebrated my one year anniversary so I know somewhat what you are going through.

He needs to understand he has to be open and honest. And as hard as it is you have to try to not make him feel bad when he does tell you.

If he hasn't given you a reason to mistrust him. I know it's not always easy though.

Good luck.

better4me posted 10/9/2013 15:06 PM

he swears that he gets it and will tell me when he goes on calls for her...
So now you need to work on not blowing it out of proportion when he lets you know when he is going on a service call there. Our minds have evolved to look for danger, and especially in our situation (having been betrayed) we "see" that danger even when our more rational mind knows it isn't really dangerous. It isn't your "fault" your mind does this, it is a natural thing. Be gentle with yourself. Use your more rational thinking when he has these calls...thank him for telling you...involve yourself in some interesting activity or something physical when he goes on these calls in order to be productive and less ruminative. It may never be easy, but it may get easier.

There is a good book about this that I can recommend if you send me a PM.

Again, NOTHING is wrong with you, other than being a human being with a mind that isn't always your friend (which is just like everyone else's minds!)

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