[This message edited by anotherchance at 9:56 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]
In our recovery process, one of the things I regret is that I wasn't/ haven't been more proactive in finding resources like this website. Take the lead. Every action must demonstrate that you are willing to change because you love him. When he sends those nasty text messages, take it without being defensive. That is him sharing the pain that you caused him. If you love him, share the pain.
There is, sadly, so much that we have to learn from each other here.
You are going to have to be patient and give him the time he needs to believe you are really being honest with him.
Be open and honest
Show true remorse
It's going to be a long journey and recovery is going to depend on how much heavy lifting you are willing to do
Your BS needs to go as well. He has to deal with this in a healthy way. Going to MC together can help you to decide what you can do to work together. This helped us because at times we decided not to talk about certain things, and other times we decided we were both ready to share.
He thinks the only reason is because I didn't really love him or he didn't satisfy me. The whole time I always loved him, I still do. How can he undestand that what I did wasn't about him.
he just can't understand why. I struggle to give him an answer, b/c I don't know myself.
I can't help but hate myself more each and every day.
Every one of these words I've said to myself.
I really have no advice to offer (as I have been watching my BH move out all weekend), except on the last one. Do not, I repeat... DO NOT hate yourself over this. Yes, you screwed up, but self-loathing will not fix anything. It becomes a slippery slope. At first you feel justified in hating yourself, because you had an A, and you "deserve it". But at some point, it destroys any good you have in your soul, until you've gone from feeling hate, to being hate.
Don't be hate.
“He knows that you have to laugh at the things that hurt you just to keep yourself in balance, just to keep the world from running you plumb crazy.”