A few days have passed since the new revelations came out and I am glad to say that though I'm not coming to terms quite yet with it all, I'm coming into some thinking on how to cope better with it so that I can tuck these big emotions back in.
The insight I had one night during a midnight baby feeding was to realize this...that it's not about me anymore!!!! This is about X and DD and their relationship, which they both are basically firing me from.
DD still shows signs of care for me but absolutely not when X is anywhere in the vicinity. The rudeness coming from her has stopped shocking me but still hurts. It is in his presence but when he's crawled back under his rock again, she's my friend, helper and clingy hugger.
I work very hard to be stone faced and silent... and do any of you feel like you're the only ones that do? This in and of itself is a major feat and with my defenses down right now, is hard.
But I'm better with this way of thinking and though feel betrayed by DD, I also realize how damaged she is by her father, as I am as well. He is selling his new place to her as if it's the key to new life and I imagine she'll think she's getting rid of her nagging mom by going there. I suspect, though, that the glitter will be for a while-maybe a long while-but she sees through people after a few times of getting hurt.
My sadness is that I won't be there to catch her when she falls, but I am glad not to see her compete with this "new kid" for her own father's time and affection.
My new struggle is to disappear when they are together or on the phone (I put ear plugs on now) because it brings raw pain again to hear her be so excited about the very people who helped ruin her life.
It makes me sad on many levels, but to witness her craving attention from such people burdens my heart and makes me ache for her.
She does this with my mother, who moved away abruptly, wanting so much their acceptance, while here I am accepting her with open arms and never made a promise I can't keep.
In closing, I've been toying with seeking background checks on the pair of Disgusting Perverts, but I don't know how much they cost and I'll get a lawyer bill if I ask him.
Thanks for any thoughts. -A13
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.