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Ashland13 posted 10/9/2013 09:23 AM

A few days have passed since the new revelations came out and I am glad to say that though I'm not coming to terms quite yet with it all, I'm coming into some thinking on how to cope better with it so that I can tuck these big emotions back in.

The insight I had one night during a midnight baby feeding was to realize this...that it's not about me anymore!!!! This is about X and DD and their relationship, which they both are basically firing me from.

DD still shows signs of care for me but absolutely not when X is anywhere in the vicinity. The rudeness coming from her has stopped shocking me but still hurts. It is in his presence but when he's crawled back under his rock again, she's my friend, helper and clingy hugger.

I work very hard to be stone faced and silent... and do any of you feel like you're the only ones that do? This in and of itself is a major feat and with my defenses down right now, is hard.

But I'm better with this way of thinking and though feel betrayed by DD, I also realize how damaged she is by her father, as I am as well. He is selling his new place to her as if it's the key to new life and I imagine she'll think she's getting rid of her nagging mom by going there. I suspect, though, that the glitter will be for a while-maybe a long while-but she sees through people after a few times of getting hurt.

My sadness is that I won't be there to catch her when she falls, but I am glad not to see her compete with this "new kid" for her own father's time and affection.

My new struggle is to disappear when they are together or on the phone (I put ear plugs on now) because it brings raw pain again to hear her be so excited about the very people who helped ruin her life.

It makes me sad on many levels, but to witness her craving attention from such people burdens my heart and makes me ache for her.

She does this with my mother, who moved away abruptly, wanting so much their acceptance, while here I am accepting her with open arms and never made a promise I can't keep.

In closing, I've been toying with seeking background checks on the pair of Disgusting Perverts, but I don't know how much they cost and I'll get a lawyer bill if I ask him.

Thanks for any thoughts. -A13

Pass posted 10/9/2013 12:21 PM

I'm sorry you have this additional burden, Ash. I have no suggestions, but just wanted to let you know that it really does suck.

Any time that you're wondering if this is your fault, it isn't. There is one arsehole who has caused all these problems for you!

Rainbows posted 10/9/2013 13:09 PM

You are her rock and she will always know she can count on you. No matter what kind of relationship she develops with her dad, you will always be the one she can count on. Just because she seems excited or different when he's around, it probably has more to do with her wanting acceptance from him than "choosing" him, if that makes sense. Kids internalize D because they don't really understand it, so she may have interpreted it as her dad rejecting her.

He and OW will reveal their true colors once the excitement of the new place passes. I know it hurts right now, but leopards don't change their spots. Soon enough, the same pattern with your DD will reemerge and she'll see right through it. Hopefully this time they can develop a healthy relationship.

I'm so sorry, I can only imagine how painful it must be.

pregnantandsad posted 10/9/2013 13:22 PM

I agree with everything rainbows wrote. I talked to my IC about dd being so excited whenever she sees her dad and how I feel like she is happier to see him than me. She explained that the kids almost feel like they have to put on that extra happy face around the parent that left Because they are afraid they might not come back. We get the good, the bad and the ugly because they know that no matter what they do or how they act, we aren't going anywhere and will always be here for them.

It makes me sad that my daughter will ever feel that she has to try and be good enough to keep her daddy around her, but it did help me understand her behavior and not take it so personally.

I think the glitter of the new place will wear off quickly too. This is no fun at all, but I know you will get through it.