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roses303 posted 10/9/2013 10:13 AM

My homework this week for MC is to write a list of things that make me feel loved to give to WH. I am so stressed about this because I seem to only be able to think of things that don't make me feel loved. What kind of statement does that make about me and the marraige if I can only think of things I don't want him to do or that irritate me or that trigger me. I don't even know anymore what makes me happy and feeling loved and safe.

SpiderGrl posted 10/9/2013 10:24 AM

Frankly, to me it says you are fairly easy to please. See if you can obtain a copy of The 5 Love languages. It will help you realize what makes you feel loved. I had my idiot husbands love language backward and that was a revelation.

bunni972 posted 10/9/2013 10:57 AM

Our MC asked us to make a list of the things we want from each other/the marriage. We are going to draw up a contract and then revisit it in 6 weeks or so.

bionicgal posted 10/9/2013 11:21 AM

Some of us get used to not having our needs met, , , so much so that we no longer know what they are! Some of us have had been this way from childhood. . . So, you are not alone!

SisterMilkshake posted 10/9/2013 11:35 AM

FWH calls me everyday on his break or lunch. Today he asked me "What are you going to do today?" It is crazy, but that makes me feel loved. Pre d-day, he never would ask me how my day was or what I was going to do that day (unless he wanted me to do something for him ).

I would say to focus on the little things that make you feel loved, roses. During your day notice the things he does. Does that make you feel loved? Please don't be stressed about it. If you truly can't articulate these things yet, be honest with your MC. Tell your MC that you have given this some thought but you just don't know at this point.

MC homework shouldn't be causing you more stress in your life. Take a big breath, and don't sweat it. You will not be getting graded by your MC. You will not get an F. As long as you just didn't totally blow it off, you did try. ((((roses303))))

neverdidithink posted 10/9/2013 12:03 PM

Maybe if we share it will get you jump started? I feel loved when:

H calls me "Babe"

He touches me or gazes over and smiles for no apparent reason

He sees the pain his A has inflicted and tells me he is sorry for his actions that brought us here

He tells me that he loves me, and tells me WHY/WHAT he loves about me

He texts me just to tell me he's thinking about me/us

He texts when he hears a song that speaks to us/his feelings (and includes some relevent lyrics)

He leaves for a trip and leaves a card for me to find once he's gone

He shares this feelings with me even when they're not rosy. (us, work, kids... He used to try to hide things when he was unhappy or frustrated and seems to have learned that honest commuications at all times is vital to the survival of our marriage)

The don't have to be big things andthey don't allneed to be happy things. In my world the smallest gestures seem to mean the most.

[This message edited by neverdidithink at 12:05 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

SorrowBhindSmile posted 10/9/2013 12:05 PM

I had to do the same thing. It was VERY hard for me to ask for what i wanted...i am one of those that's a people pleaser and not very used to getting my needs met. It was hard homework. it took me a long time.

But might i suggest making the list of actions that annoy/trigger you. Then, think of an action that he could to to NOT do the annoying thing on the list. (start with small things)

Here's an example of how i used a negative to make a positive One thing my WH did that was hurtful/trigger for me was not doing something when i asked him. Example...he always emptied the vacuum container direct into the garbage can instead of into a bag. I hate lifting the lid, tossing a garbage bag in there and the dust flies in my face. Its gross. yet he totally disregarded my feelings and just kept doing it anyways. Disrespectful. Rude. Its a stupid, small trivial thing.....BUT in my eves, its those stupid, small trivial things that, over time, build up and lead to the big giant things.

So one thing on my list was "when i ask you to do something small for me, please just do it...while it may seem dumb or irrelevant to you...its important to me, otherwise i wouldn't have asked"

Its a small thing...but it shows me that he respects my feelings on the small stuff...and it helped us to work on the big stuff.

Hugs to you!!

roses303 posted 10/9/2013 12:30 PM

Been thinking a lot about this and this really hit home.

So one thing on my list was "when i ask you to do something small for me, please just do it...while it may seem dumb or irrelevant to you...its important to me, otherwise i wouldn't have asked"

This has been a big issue in our marriage. He has a hard time understanding that sometimes you do stuff you don't necessarily like or want or understand the necessity of just because you love the person who asked you to do it. I used to sometimes get upset and he never understood ( even though I tried to explain) that it wasn't the action, it was the disregard of my request because he thought it was stupid. And he would then dig in his heals because me asking him to do something was submitting to me. I don't know how many times he would "take a stand" over something trivial because he wanted to be a man and to it his way. Even after I explained my reasoning and asked that just once he do something my way as an expression of his love,he would still dig in his heels. Kinda made me feel like dirt in his eyes that he wouldn't the dishwasher like I asked just to make a point.

[This message edited by roses303 at 12:32 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

blakesteele posted 10/9/2013 12:39 PM

((Roses303)).

This is tough for me too. I am questioning myself as to why I was willing to settle for less of a marriage pre-A. My wife may be asking that same question. Our marriage was almost a "we don't want to be like our parents" kind of a marriage rather then the "we want our marriage to be this" sort of thing....any wonder why we are lost? Didn't even realize this till after her A and lots of counseling.

Maybe doing the list that is easy for you (the hurts) would be beneficial?

Keep the faith.