I have been dealing with everything better than I expected, but I still have so many ups and downs. Our anniversary was 2 days ago and I wasn't as upset as I anticipated, but it was still a sad day. I couldn't help but wonder all day long if he even realized what day it was, did he feel sad? Think of me at all? Feel any kind of guilt?
What I have been dreading lately is the day he finally admits to OW being more than just a friend. I am not stupid, I know they are together, but because he has always denied it, I feel like the day they finally let it out in the open will kill me. How do I prepare for that?
My other huge fear is when WH brings DD around ow. DD already knows her because my jerk of an ex used to bring my child around his "friend" while we were still together. But DD does not know that her dad now lives with this person. I am worried for how she will react, and selfishly I am worried that she will be excited since she thinks OW is fun.
I am sorry for such a long post. I just have a million thoughts running through my head lately and needed to get some out.
All I can tell you is that these people are not normal. We look at these issues with our rational brains and they make no sense whatsoever. I think they fly by the seats of their pants, don't think for a moment and block out all thoughts of consequences. What is cruel and annoying is that they take charge of nothing. They can't tell the truth about it so they are like two year olds - if I don't acknowledge it, it's not really happening. I would have been just as hurt, but I may have had an ounce of respect left for my ex had he just said it. Had he just sat me down and told me the truth. I figured I deserved that, but I guess he didn't. He wanted to eat as much cake as possible at mine and my children's emotional expense.
When you finally find out the truth, I think it will bring you peace. It will hurt, but it will no longer make you doubt yourself or your capacity to be loved. You will know that he was a cowardly scum bag all along and that you weren't the crazy shrew of a wife that his messed up brain wants to see.
As far as your DD meeting her, if that ever happens, that will hurt too. I knew it was going to happen, so I prepared myself as best as I could, but it still kicked me in the gut.
All i can say about that is that it gets better. I dont know how or why, but it does. Its like you somehow become numb to the hurt after a while.
It's an unfair steaming pile of shit that these POS OW get the benefit of time with our children, but there's nothing we can do about it. Just know in your heart that you are the one and only mother they will ever have. You can never, ever be replaced. Also, know that a shallow, selfish twat who sleeps with a married man who has two babies will eventually show herself as a shallow, selfish twat. She might put on a bit of a show in the beginning to try to validate herself and make her place with the kids. She won't hold a candle to you, ever. She's simply the price of admission to see their father. They might accept her as part of his life, but they know full well the difference between her and their mother.
Just brace yourself and practice your fake grin and best "that's nice" you can muster if they ever come home from a visit and talk about her. I always found it helpful to have a relative or friend at my house with me when they got home. Its a distraction and someone there to be by my side if they told me something that i found hurtful or upsetting.
I know its hard, but try not to spend too much time worrying about it. It's just one more part of this shit storm that we can't control.
This is the best place to post when you're in that space because it's good to get those thoughts out of your head and you'll always get good perspective here.
It's so hard to be in the "what if" space, because in my case, my brain just spins and spins. It's actually more like going down the rabbit hole, I just keep falling from one thing to another.
One way I dealt with it was to come up with my responses if I ever faced any of those situations. For example, I was always worried STBX would bring OW home while I was there, so I rehearsed my reaction if I ever faced that situation.
When it happened (yup, he brought her there while I was still living there), I didn't have to think because I was already prepared. Thinking of solutions also broke me of the endless "what if" cycle. Once I had a strategy for dealing with it, my brain let go of some of the anxiety. Being mentally prepared took a lot of the pressure off even though I prepared for countless situations that never happened.
I agree with sucks: they block out all consequences. Last night, my soon to be ex was whining that,
"This divorce is your choice, Jemima. I have no choice in the matter."
I really try not to respond to his bs so I said that he was right, it wasn't his choice, it was his consequence.
You will be just fine I predict IF and when he ever tells the truth. Don't hold your breath. You really need to keep the focus on you and your life and give him as little attention as possible.
"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.
Veryhurtbroken, our girls are only 2 days apart! Mine was born on the 10th :) I am pretty well, the baby sleeps pretty well at night so thankfully I don't feel like a sleep deprived zombie like I did with my first daughter. How are you?
Is this to protect their image?
Place a degree of doubt in everyones minds ??, they don't want to be labeled a cheater ???
I think it makes them look even more pathetic.
His mom cheated on both her husbands and my wh always was so upset and disgusted by her behavior. I think he will never be able to admit that he is no better. That is still what makes it so hard for me to believe he has done this, he was always so against cheating.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this!
I just think that there's a special place in Hell for the ones that cheat on their pregnant wives. But to actually leave, and move in with OW and continue to deny? What a piece of shit he is!
Yes, it will hurt a lot when your DD finally meets OW. But after a while it will get better.
Your DD will never love her in the same manner. You are her mommy, always will be.
NC is the best thing you can do for you. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Post here your frustrations, there's great people here that will give you tons of great advice.
Hang in there, it will get better. It will!
Me -BS (49)
DS 21, DD 17