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LifeJourney posted 10/9/2013 14:26 PM

My WH and I are attempting to R and have made some good progress in the 3 months since DDay#2. He has made some significant changes and of course I am fearful that they aren't sustainable. One of my issues is that I can't tell him "I love you." in response to when he tells me this. Even though I do love him - I'm just scared to say it .. or maybe scared that he will think he has "won me back" and will backslide into old habits. How have you handled this in your R attempts? Thanks in advance!

bionicgal posted 10/9/2013 14:37 PM

I am not going to be helpful here, as I am sure i said it as early as the day after DDay. I went "all in" so to speak, but was fairly certain it was safe for me to do so. Time will tell!

I wouldn't withhold it if you feel it. . .your relationship needs love, too.

ccw82 posted 10/9/2013 14:48 PM

If you honestly and truly love him, you should say it. That being said, I understand why you don't want to -- you fear that by saying it, you open up your vulnerability to getting hurt again.

I am in a similar situation right now. Up until recently, I have actually been telling 1DH that I love him. But then I stopped to think after our little "episode" a couple nights ago...what exactly about him do I love? The things I thought I loved, the things I thought were true, all turned out to be lies! The only thing I can honestly say I "love" about him now are some of his physical attributes...his smile, his eyes, they way his hands fit mine, etc. But the integrity of his personality has been crap, so just like I wouldn't tell someone I recently started dating "I love you", we have just started over so to speak, and therefore he needs to earn my love back. And I told him I won't say it unless I really mean it.

LifeJourney posted 10/9/2013 14:49 PM

Thanks for response, bionicgal! I went "all in" after DDay 1 -- just having trouble with DDay 2 even though his behavior is completely different and I feel hopeful.

LifeJourney posted 10/9/2013 14:51 PM

thanks CCW -- you nailed it ... the issue is vulnerability. Thanks for understanding.

wert posted 10/9/2013 15:32 PM

The answer to this one sucks because it's when you actually love him again.

I stopped loving my W after her A. It took a while to process that, but I did. She needed to earn it back and keep earning it.

Now, once an emotional bank account is built back up over years we can talk about long lasting love, yada, yada, but not for a while baby...not for a while...

take care...

foundoutlater posted 10/9/2013 15:37 PM

I half agree with wert. For me it was when I felt safe to be vulnerable.

I never stopped loving my W. I stopped showing it during periods of our M and definitely after DD.

cantaccept posted 10/9/2013 15:43 PM

I actually never stopped loving h, angry, hurt, broken, but still loved.

I told him several times even after he left. Also told him LOTS of other honest things.

I feel it so I say it. It doesn't mean I trust him, it doesn't mean that we are going to get through this muck. Doesn't mean I forgive him.

It just means I love him.

heartache101 posted 10/9/2013 15:47 PM

I did at first i said ILY all the time then after the last round I just stopped saying it. He asked why I didnt tell him ILY. I told him I felt like he said the words they had no meaning otherwise how could you of done what you did? I did not believe his words. It took awhile and even now I still dont dough it out like I use to.
Everything has changed. I will answer with OK yeah yeah or even a thank you.

Dreamland posted 10/9/2013 16:00 PM

Right after Dday we were in HB so I would say how much I loved him and wanted to be together.
Now 19 months out and after all the TT. I can't say it. I am not even sure I am in love with him anymore. Sometimes I just say it because I feel bad that I never says it and he looks so sad. I know I should because he is manipulating me.
But really I just don't feel that his I love yous are enough

blakesteele posted 10/9/2013 16:10 PM

I never stopped saying it either...just feel stupid and vulnerable at times now....less so now then 4 months ago.

This is tough...to be vulnerable around someone who caused so much pain.

I am learning to not rush anything....and not read too much into lack of percieved progress either (ie. no decisions that affect the rest of my life).

Interesting to see the mix of responses to this thread...comforts me that this, too, is a crazy part of R.

God be with us all.

SorrowBhindSmile posted 10/9/2013 16:16 PM

you tell him you love him when you feel it in your gut...when you feel like you can. For some its 3 days...for some 3 months...for some, years.

I had a very frank discussion with my WH about this maybe, a month or so after DDay. he told me he loved me all the time...but i just didn't have it in me to say it back. We sat down, and i explained to him why i couldn't say it and the internal conflicts within me due to the A and all the aftermath. It was hard for me to admit...but i had really fallen out of love with my WH in the months before i found out about the A. The person he was, the way he treated me, the kids, our friends...his attitude, his actions. Just everything. Telling him that to his face, saying the words out loud were so damn hard and painful. But it was the truth.

Like you, i feared if he heard me say the words ILY, he'd assume all was "fine enough" and stop trying...stop doing the work. It took me over 7 months, lots of MC/IC, soul searching, and seeing a true change in my WH before i realized that saying it back wasnt going to make him stop trying...it made him try harder, work harder. It was July 9...my moment...when i knew i had it in me to make it thru this...when i knew i could stay and R...when i knew i loved him and we were going to make it. It was that day i felt it in my gut and was able to say the words...and be true to myself and really mean it.

Listen to your heart, your gut and say it when it feels right to you. Its about you, your feelings, your needs....say it when you need to say it.

hugs to you

StillStanding1 posted 10/9/2013 17:06 PM

Listen to your heart, your gut and say it when it feels right to you. Its about you, your feelings, your needs....say it when you need to say it.

Totally agree with this ^^^^

No rights or wrongs, just what works for you... What you feel and when you feel comfortable/safe enough to share that thought.

Like cantaccept, I never stopped loving WH. I still love his sorry pathetic broken self. Sometimes I could kick myself.

I struggle hearing the ILY much more than saying it. I know what I mean when I say it, I wonder if he really knows the meaning of the word. I believe it's a verb, not just a tingly sensation. He couldn't possibly "love" me and OW at the same time as he says he did.

Lately, I'm struggling more to say it. I'm starting to love him less and distance myself more because he has not met my expectations for a remorseful WS. My defense mechanisms are building up. Not good, but perhaps needed and healthy. I will only say it when I'm feeling love and feeling like I'm truly "loving" him.