Even as I am trying to be stronger today, to just take it hour by hour. Not to worry so much about tomorrow as I have no control over it.
Last night I had to go by AP place . The house I had to go to was across the street.
Our daughters kitten went missing. And luckily we found it. My husband called me on the phone. He is away at work. And said he found it. A lady had posted on the radio she found a kitten and it was ours. She lives across from the AP. 
I was sick It took me three times to repeat where I had to go to my husband. I can't even imagine how he must have felt having to tell me to go get the kitten. If our daughter didn't love this kitten never would I have gone. It would have been easier to find a new one. I was physically sick. Cold , ill and weak. It was all I could do not run up to the house take the cat and run.
These people of course wanted to talk and tell me how nice the kitten was and all I could think was God get me out of here.
Thinking of how my H was doing how he must be feeling. And just sick with myself.
Today I am reading stories of other BS and I can't stop. I know I am wanting to punish myself today. And since my Husband won't do it, I'm listening and reading to others express their feelings.
I have to stop this, it is not healthy I know.
My right to feel good is something I am going to be struggling with for along time.
I start with a new IC in a city hour and half away, I am hoping she can help me. Iwant to be better for me, my husband and my children. Idon't want to be like this. It hurts them again, me being like this, I can't be strong for them, and I want to be.
I want to be the person they believe they have, they are so young. And my Husband deserve on the best of me, not this weak person. I do have good things about me.
And I know its worth it. I am worth it.
I think maybe its just last nights sitch is catching up.
[This message edited by Joanh at 2:38 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]
