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So WH needs to talk about his pain

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jemimapd posted 10/9/2013 14:44 PM

WH is alternating between being hyper-nice in the obvious hope I will change my mind and descending into self-pity.

I have to talk to him somewhat because we are living under the same roof and because I am trying to lever him into a dissolution. Failing that I will prepare to file next week.

So, these are WH's snippets from last night:

"I am being physically sick. I am in so much pain."

.......Hmmm. Never was sick when he had sex with OW, came home and lied to me.

"If you leave, I may as well lay down and die."

"You and DD are the only things I live for."

.......... And the extra-marital sex?

"You are the perfect wife."

"DD's guinea pigs are so cute."

........ Refused even to acknowledge them before yesterday

"You have all the power! I have no choice in this divorce!"

............ Yes, you got that right.

Nature_Girl posted 10/9/2013 14:51 PM

He needs to talk to an IC about his pain. It's not your job anymore to give a shit about his pain or help absolve him of it.

cayc posted 10/9/2013 14:56 PM

Translation: Here let me manipulate you into making this about me so that we can ignore the A, ignore what I did, ignore me doing anything to help you. That way I get what I so richly crave and what probably led me to the A anyway (attention!!! all about me!!! all about my needs!!! yay!!!) and I dont' have to do anything for you. This is a win win, right????

Vulcanized posted 10/9/2013 15:07 PM


What's the quote about the pond? No more fish, pond dry, fuck off?

Yeah, that.

jemimapd posted 10/9/2013 17:12 PM

NG, he has a therapist but I'm convinced he is not honest with her. He saw her today but it's that old thing that you have to want to change.

We talked this evening and because I have now agreed to pay off his credit card debt, he is willing to sign. He can't afford an attorney, I have one, basically it is worth it to avoid the delays and legal bills. I kind of figured I would have to do that anyway.

Once that is dealt with, I don't have to talk to him any more except about practical matters. But I will have to do a few weeks in house separation unless he voluntarily moves out.

tesla posted 10/9/2013 19:32 PM


They all sing similar tunes once they are caught and are unsure of how we are going to act.

I refuse to believe that there is any pain more horrific than betrayal. Except double betrayal. FTG.

Pass posted 10/9/2013 21:23 PM

Ha! Sounds like The Princess. My favourite one from her, "You've always underestimated my emotions."

jemimapd posted 10/9/2013 21:26 PM

Pass, I got a variation of that....

"You don't understand how hard this is for me."

StillStanding1 posted 10/10/2013 01:22 AM

My God, are they all the same person? They sure all act the same! Wow. Just wow.

I get the "most days I just want to curl up and die". If I try to express myself, I got (in writing) "You are making this all about you! What about my pain?"

Is it possible that they are all just that self-centered? (Don't answer that... It's obviously an emphatic "Hell YEAH!")


jemimapd posted 10/10/2013 05:39 AM

I can see that WH is in genuine emotional pain - because finally there are permanent and unpleasant consequence to his actions i.e. loss of home, wife, status as a pillar of the community and all-round good guy.

I am trying so hard not to react. But going to an attorney and putting this into dissolution has taken the lid off a lot of emotions for me that I had been repressing trying to reconcile.

Two weeks ago I found out about OW3. He lent a large sum of money to her. Who knows if they slept together. Probably. It was just one piece of dishonest behavior too far. As soon as I saw the evidence, I knew it was over.

He makes these sad little comments which I ignore but there is this script in my head that just pops up. So:

WH: I guess I will have to learn to cook for myself (little sad smile)

Me: silent, in the cause of getting the hell out of this as cleanly as possible, but I am thinking "What about the time I heard you on my VAR telling OW1 that you would love for her to cook for you and there wasn't enough time for "me and you"."

I'm hoping not responding gets easier because sometimes my chest hurts.

SBB posted 10/10/2013 10:05 AM

I laughed ruefully out loud when I read this. Once I was D.O.N.E. I had much the same commentary going on in my head whenever his lips were moving.

You are feeling this way because you've been trained to. It is emotional abuse.

As NIK so eloquently put it "they know which buttons to press because they installed the fuckers!".

"You don't understand how hard this is for me."

Word.for.word. Many times.

Nah dude, what don't understand is how it wasn't too hard to cheat.

Iamacrab posted 10/10/2013 11:13 AM

Ha, my favorite one, from a few weeks ago. "I put away your pictures because looking at you hurts me" - OR "I even was thinking of putting away the picture of my friends, bc it was taken at our reception and it hurts me" (each of his friends at their weddings/receptions did the same group pose as they were all groomsmen for one another) -- really? I think it's more that you hurt you, and you cannot/will not deal with it.

brokenandconfuse posted 10/10/2013 13:21 PM

I received this constantly until the Protection Order was put in place. H constantly wanted to talk about HIS broken heart. Now I can say "crickets" go tell your 50 girlfriends.

jemimapd posted 10/10/2013 13:50 PM

I'm so angry I could scream.

Today I went to the bank and talked them into handing me WH's copy statements for 2011 when he lent some woman $1500 and insisted to me that she had paid him back.

Background: I found the note about it hidden in the garage a few weeks ago. It was dated August 2011. I then called his bank and ordered copy statements.

Well, she hadn't paid him back. No deposits that matched. In fact, the only deposits into his account were made by me.

I called him just now and he kept lying, saying that he would find it on the statement. Finally, he told me the truth.

The lying never stops, will never stop. All I can do is leave it behind. Truly, whatever OW gets him is welcome to him.

I told him not to come home and if he did I would go to her workplace and report it. I cannot imagine they would be too happy to know that one of their sales staff borrowed and wrote out a $1500 IOU to a customer which she then defaulted on. They are one of those "family" companies..........

SBB posted 10/10/2013 20:34 PM

It's a shock when your eyes open. I still can't quite believe what I'm seeing sometimes.

Channel the anger into maintaining strict NC and evicting that guy from your life. It would have taken me a few years to get there myself had I not had the anger to fuel me.

((jemimapd)) I also remember how incredibly painful it was to have my eyelids ripped off (metaphorically speaking).

jemimapd posted 10/10/2013 20:39 PM

Strong. I've posted more about this 3rd woman and the money in general. Here I just want to say how manipulated and devastated I feel that up until lunchtime today he was still lying very convincingly. He hasn't lied to me since then only because I haven't spoken to him. The lies since DD have been destructive in a way I would never have been able to imagine. It has to be experienced.

Oh, and just to make his 100% fuckupness clear, he said the reason he did not tell me was because he knew confessing would make me angry.

SBB posted 10/10/2013 23:05 PM

A little tip I've learned over the last 2 years to tell if he's lying: if his lips are moving, he's lying (this works for te written word too).

I too was told what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. Bullshit - it is themselves they are protecting.

Hard to believe right now but one day you'll see these betrayals beyond infidelity as a gift. I certainly do. They forced my hand to free myself before I had the strength and courage to do it of my own volition.

Dreamland posted 10/11/2013 09:30 AM

I am not sure if I find any more OW that I would stay but I only have 1 DD and she's going off to college next year. And she wants to get far away from him. So next year will totally suck if he doesn't get his shit together. I am starting to believe he is a pathological liar. I know his father and brother are and he must be the better. The bother constantly cheats and father not sure if was cheating or always needing the attention from other women. My WH loves the attention. He is ego centric. Which is one characteristics that made me love him. Center of the party thing. Now I hate it always demanding attention. I mean I am some what like that but I give others a chance to speak and engage.
I think you have been patient enough and now you need to be tough and take care of yourself.

jemimapd posted 10/11/2013 13:18 PM

I think he is a pathological liar. I don't trust anything he says about anything. The extent of his lies and the sheer detail he puts into them are incredible. He even told me the bank branch he had paid the cash repayment into. All lies.

I just don't know how I am going to get through this in house separation.

jemimapd posted 10/11/2013 13:29 PM

Oh, another great quote from this morning.

Yesterday I threw him out and told him I would call a police officer if he came round. I honestly could not take any more after I got the bank statements. He did not sleep at the house last night, I saw on the find my iPhone app that he went to a nice comfy hotel. He can't go to family because that would shatter his image and he hasn't got any friends.

So he turns up this morning to take DD to school and it's all poor him. He starts whining and says, "What am I supposed to do! Live in my car!"

I said, "Did you sleep in your car last night?"

There was a pause during which he was about to lie but then remembers I have the find my iPhone app. "Err, no. I went to a hotel."

End of that conversation.

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