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3rd D-Day, Will this ever end?

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cluless posted 10/9/2013 14:45 PM

I finally got most of the details of my WH's affair, including days and everything that happened sexually. Of course I didn't get this from my WH, all I EVER get from him is TT. He CAN'T/WON'T tell me the 100% truth, I guess he will shrivel up in a ball and die. I've been talking to OP's BS about things and it took his mini-heart attack yesterday for HIS BS to finally tell us the truth. I had my WH to write a time-line for me, he gave me it last night, and most of it are lies and 1/2 truths. He won't even talk to me, he's too angry/frustrated and begins yelling at me. I'm not even going to talk to him anymore, but get myself up, get myself together and start living my life again. He can continue to sleep on the floor downstairs until I can figure out what to do.

Of course it has occurred to me that the OW's BS might have embellished the truth a bit, but since my WH won't tell me everything, what am I to do?

Any advice would be so helpful right now.

k94ever posted 10/9/2013 14:58 PM

This will end when you stop it.

It's up to you. You're in the driver's seat on this.



justabrokendream posted 10/9/2013 15:17 PM

Do what I foolishly didn't after the first D-Day - Lawyer up and move on....

cayc posted 10/9/2013 19:42 PM

180. Focus on you. Right now, why should he tell you? What's the penalty for lying? None, because you aren't doing anything.

So, prepare to live your life without him. He'll have to decide if he's okay with that. And if he's not, then he'll have to start doing things to show you that he's not. Being defensive, lying, acting like this is your fault isn't.

Take back your power. Take back your life. Take care of you. Talk to the lawyer and be ready to D. Talk to friends. Talk to your IC. Figure out who you are independent of Mr. Defensive Angry Liar. You can do this.

Maybe he'll come around. But if he doesn't? How much better off you'll be from having turned the focus onto you and away from him.


cluless posted 10/9/2013 20:11 PM

Yes, I've been thinking about this all day. I'm going to separate from him and if he wants to earn me back, then he's going to have to work harder than anything he's ever done in his life.

I've made it CLEAR, I'm DONE with his feeling sorry for himself, or being angry with me. I WILL NOT put up with it. I am going to go back into life, I tried today, but ended up failing miserably.

But will try again tomorrow. Things will be done MY way from this point forward, and he knows to stay the hell away from me if I hold my hand up. I've read the 180 and I'm just so damn disappointed in the man I married. I'm not sure anymore that I even want to fix this now. But I'm trying not to do anything without really thinking about it and being sure. But our "intimate" moments are DONE. I need to work on me. Thanks for your advice, I'm learning to live again

SerJR posted 10/9/2013 20:21 PM

He can continue to sleep on the floor downstairs

Just make sure to place some newspapers in case he has an oopsie....

On another note, I agree that putting the 180 into practise will help you to stay out of the madness and regain control over you life independently. Know what your minimum requirements are for you to consider reconciling and don't accept anything less. In the meantime, do what you need to, to take care of and protect yourself.

fourever posted 10/9/2013 20:21 PM

Good for you. I firmly believe that this can save a marriage. It did mine.

Confused85 posted 10/9/2013 20:52 PM

I'm a firm believer in saving the marriage but perhaps after 3 DDay I don't think it worth saving anymore

RockyMtn posted 10/9/2013 21:02 PM

All the others have given good advice. I had 2 D-Days, TT as well. My D-Days were over a year apart and the TT was massive. I started mentally and emotionally preparing myself for D on D-Day 2. Researched lawyers, started drafting emails to friends/family letting them know the news, etc. Before I made the final decision, I got myself into IC to discuss my final decision. In the meantime, he slept elsewhere.

I think your approach to start living again is so so so important. This can not dominate your every thought and move.

And you know what? Here we are, thriving, still M and better than ever. But the D process woke him the hell up. Everything was on the line. And he knew it. Got sober, told me everything, got into intensive IC. He realized he needed to do all of this whether we stayed together or not because he realized that, even if he lost me, he couldn't live his life gambling the way he had up to that point or nothing (ever) was going to work out in his favor.

So, that's my advice. Start thinking D, as you already are, and in the interim, get some professional help to sort through the decision.

cluless posted 10/9/2013 21:18 PM

I just typed up my requirements for him and any abuse will automatically take him to "not save marriage" option. I will NOT allow it anymore, I'm so over this and feeling this pain everyday. I'm going to get myself out there. Tomorrow I'm going to the gym again and just think of myself as single. WS has to earn back my love and respect and honestly, I don't think he can be unselfish enough to do what is needed. But I have to try, that way I can walk away knowing I did everything in my power to save it.

So thank you all for your great advice. Going to talk to a lawyer and see what my options are if this continues to go south.

One day at a time....

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