I sat and listened to WH explain last night how he understood that what he was risking was destroying me (risking my life to HIV, breaking my heart, devastating me as a human being entirely, pretty much), but, that he justified the risk being worth taking.
Then he went on and on about all the great support he's getting from his friends. How they all see him as valuable and worthwhile. That somehow, that makes him feel better about himself. I guess my telling him every day of our life together how much I loved him and how amazing he was didn't matter a hill of beans ... because I am not a Christian.
Seems WH has had some lifelong crisis of faith, that supposedly conflicted him terribly. He claims to have wanted to talk to me about it, but didn't feel that he could. And yes, he gave two reasons for that. One, that I used "Jesus Christ" as an expletive. And two, that when we went to see "Book of Mormon" last year, that I laughed. (sidebar - I asked my friends this morning to recollect that, as they went with WH and I to see it last year - and they remembered how my WH laughed his ass off together the entire night). Seems now, however, WH has decided that my taking him to Book of Mormon was offensive to him, and further evidence of how he could not trust me with revealing his deeper, Christian self.
So now he's renewing his relationship with Christ, he's joined a church and a church-based men's group, and is hanging out with his Christian friends (people I've never met) who will guide him on his journey to enlightenment. No idea what he wants from me, other than to have me to blame for his choices and saddle me with the responsibility for the relationship ending.
His lies and betrayal were painful enough. Him blaming me, though? That hurts the worst. I feel like I've been beaten up these past five weeks, and last night in counseling, WH went for the kill shot. I had to hang onto the wall just to walk down the stairs from the therapists' office, I don't think I've ever cried that hard. Most of the end of the session was a blur. I'm not even sure what the counselor was saying, my head was in a fog of agony for the latter half of our session.
I've been trying to piece it together ever since. I guess WH is going to cast himself the repentant Christian, walking the righteous path, and sinful corruptor wife me is to blame for his distraction from his holy journey. So he will rally everyone around him with his self-portrayal, and everyone will applaud him for his courageous rebirth. Blame will be placed squarely upon me, and WH will go on, find some nice Christian girl whom he actually values and would never dream of destroying. Me, well ... I get to sort out the tatters of my life and try to survive what he did to me.
I think really, though, the bottom line is that he never valued me. Telling me he loved me was just one of his many lies. He used me, took all I had to give, but didn't see me worth anything in return. How else could you explain how he intentionally destroyed me?
How does a person destroy someone they claim to love? How do they bludgeon them, over and over, repeatedly, in the face of their agony? How do they behave so selfishly, when someone gives them so much love and adoration? How much more is WH going to do to me? How much more can I take?
I've never felt more destroyed, on every single level, in my whole life. I just want to stop crying, and stop hurting.
Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.
Seems WH has had some lifelong crisis of faith, that supposedly conflicted him terribly.
But not so much as to honour his M vows?
He claims to have wanted to talk to me about it, but didn't feel that he could.
BS. Warm-up to how he plans on blaming you for his A.
hanging out with his Christian friends (people I've never met) who will guide him on his journey to enlightenment.
New friends. Who don't know you, nor any of the details (or even the existence) of his A. If they do find out, it'll be easier for him to spin it.
WH is going to cast himself the repentant Christian, walking the righteous path, and sinful corruptor wife me is to blame for his distraction from his holy journey.
I think that only works if you are repentant.
WH will go on, find some nice Christian girl whom he actually values and would never dream of destroying.
I highly doubt that. He's hiding behind GOD. That's insane. I think there is a special place in hell for ppl who use God as their excuse for crap behaviour. Has your WH done ANYTHING to fix himself? It sounds like he's not doing anything. It's not as if he's magically going to be a different person w/the next one.
You can't go to church on Sunday, sing His praise
go out and greet the devil on Monday
MrH blamed his first A on me being agnostic. Obviously he didn't own his choices or have repentance since it was his first A. Yes, there was another.
Maybe your WH will get it here on earth, maybe it will take looking directly at Jesus and explaining how he felt he had a right to bash you with the person who gave His life for him (and you.). He will one day have to face the fact that he did not do what he's been commissioned to do as a Christian, love one another as Jesus loved us.
He has nothing of value to say, and just because he says it out loud in front of other people does not validate his words.
For what it is worth, the mythical crowd of new friends who "support" his new lifestyle and choices sound like the same group of "experts" that gave my ex legal advice and parenting tips. The mythical "everybody" or "they say" syndrome.
He only gets to hurt you if you listen to his bullshit. Trust me, it is bullshit of the first kind.
(((hugs))) You are better than this. Move on. Shut him out and shut him down.
For some it easier to destroy everything around them than it is to face the evidence of who they are.
I know how devastating and painful this is. You deserve better. I hope you know that.
I'm so sorry. Your pain comes through in every word of your post.
Absolutely NONE of this is your fault!! He's blaming you because the only alternative is to blame himself, and lying, cheating NPD assholes don't do that. They will not allow the blame to settle at their feet, no matter how much dancing around they have to do to avoid it.
Your WH has chosen religion as his particular excuse. But that's all it is, an excuse. It could have been anything. I sincerely doubt that he's any more invested in this newfound religious enlightenment that he was in his relationship with you. It's just an expedient and "acceptable" excuse for him, one that few people are going to question (especially these new people who never met you or knew the two of you as a couple).
It's complete crap. Please don't buy into it.
And please, please stop attempting MC with him. Nothing good is coming from it and you keep getting more and more hurt. In the MC's office you are a sitting duck, a nice easy target for him to fire his shit at. You need to stop giving him this opportunity. Every time it inflates his ego more, and drains your heart and spirit more. Please put a stop to it.
Many hugs to you (((erzulie))).
You deserve so much better.
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ~ Alfred Adler
Letting go of the outcome is about the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. ~ LosferWords
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
The truth of the matter is that he is not a Christian in any sense of the word. His lip-service Christianity is so superficial that a light dusting would strip it right off.
Dear God how I love that man. He takes ALL of my life's cray cray, and breaks it down into terms I can understand. Similar to all of you, but just, more ... clinical.
He cleared up some of the greater parts of my mystery. You are all spot-on, in so many areas. I think my challenges are not so much in learning to understand these things ... I think it's the acceptance part that I grapple with most.
My Shrink asked me what I wanted - to really ask myself, what I want. My answer? I want it to be spelled out that this is not my fault. He then asked, "does WH know that?" And I said, "well, he knows me, so ... maybe". He then said, "well, if that's the case, then every single session that you attend with WH, that is going to be his goal - to do everything he can to prevent any clarification that this is not your fault. That's how he keeps his hooks in you, keeps you engaged. The Christian thing is just evidence that he's getting more and more desperate for ways to accomplish this goal."
Fascinating to consider.
WH, on the other hand, is a perfect DOUCHEBAG FUCKHEAD ASSFACE SHITBALL.
I would love to be a fly on the wall when he arrives at the pearly gates to get his massive smackdown from God, and a one way ticket to H-E Double hockey sticks.
I don't think God likes it when people use him to justify their utterly sinful and hypocritical behaviour.
I don't know how you don't beat the hell out of him with the book of mormon.
Remember, you don't have to go to MC with him. You don't have to listen to ONE MORE WORD of his self-justifying bullshit. You don't have to put your heart out on the table for him to stick a knife in anymore. Protect yourself, I beg you.
He is the source of all your pain. Time to turn off the tap of hot and cold running agony.
And who gives a flying fuck about what other people think and if they believe his lies? You know the truth, we know the truth and your real friends all know the truth. And his new friends? He will reveal his true nature to them eventually. Masks do slip.
FUCK THAT GUY and the bible he rode in on.
Seriously this asshole, is just fucking with you. He sees you are weak, and broken, from his choices, and I am sure keeping you, and not D'ing are what he wants, afterall, who wouldn't want a housekeeper, laundress, and cook.
You really do need to go NC with him. Stop wasting, time, money, and energy on him. He has shown you who is 2 times now, and is attempting to rewrite marital history, to get him what he wants. FTG!!!
I want it to be spelled out that this is not my fault
Erzulie, he will never let this happen. He is mentally sick and driven to make YOU the bad guy. DRIVEN
It will not matter what you say or do...you could be Betty Crocker, Mother Theresa, and Victoria's Secret rolled into one and you still would not be good enough and also be at fault in his warped mind.
I knew I crossed over into emotional well being, when I did not give a flying fuck what he thought and knew he would blame me regardless. I got my voice back and took care of me first without him influencing me. It took years for me to get to that spot. (Keep working because I can see you stepping closer and closer to your new life.)
I then started seeing the pattern in his behavior from all the way back to when we first met.
So, do an experiment. Do something completely out of character for you. Change the game on him. Take your power back, get your voice back. The get out the popcorn and sit back and watch what will happen.
PS I tried MC with NPD-FT. Did it twice and got beat up emotionally both times.
Then I said, "NO" I am going to IC. I won't go back to MC until you go to IC as well.
It was hysterical to watch him spin this request of mine as a betrayal of my marriage vows bla...bla...bla...
Can you imagine him sitting alone with an IC? LOL In the meantime I got healthier and healthier while he got sicker and sicker. I never did go back to MC with him because he refused to get healthy and that is when I really SAW he had to have me to blame.
[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 9:54 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]
How much more is WH going to do to me? How much more can I take?
Apparently he is still deeply conflicted about his faith. Using MC and "God" to beat on his faithful, loving spouse, and to excuse his horrid choices.
Where is remorse, repentance, and restitution in this mix...? These are what you would be seeing in words and deeds, if he was truly pursing his professed faith -- Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Instead, he is hurting you to justify his evil choices...? to break you, humiliate you, and make no mistake about it -- to manipulate you.
It stops when you say it stops, ((((erzulie))))). No contact = no new hurts.
I agree with the others that have said PLEASE go NC and stay away from him. This is NOT helping you to heal, and he is NOT someone who is healthy for your life - at least not now. Not anymore.
I was in the same position. I sat and looked at the MC (the second one we went to post DDay) and I said: "I can feel my brain being penetrated as I sit here in front of you." That's how crazy and messed up the things my STBX was saying.
They all say it's your fault. No remorse. No atonement. Nothing. Just blame shifting and justifications.
I spent 7 months giving my unremorseful spouse the benefit of the doubt, and that's because we had a newborn.
Go NC and don't argue with him, don't rationalize, and don't ever take the blame.
[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 1:31 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]
When my XH became a cheater he also became an atheist in order to absolve himself of any moral obligations. He also became a feminist, declaring that marriage was an outdated institution based on ownership of women- because if he didn't believe in marriage then he didn't have to respect his own.
It will not matter what you say or do...you could be Betty Crocker, Mother Theresa, and Victoria's Secret rolled into one
the visual image of this is to me! I keep wanting to say "Move along, nothing to see here" to my imagination.
When my XH became a cheater he also became an atheist in order to absolve himself of any moral obligations. He also became a feminist, declaring that marriage was an outdated institution based on ownership of women- because if he didn't believe in marriage then he didn't have to respect his own
THAT is some contortionist logic right there...