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Newest Member: asherssoul (45716)

User Topic: Restarting reconciliation
topperoff22
♀ 40762
Member # 40762
DOH!  Posted: 4:03 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After several days of crazy mood swings by me, and one by WH, we are restarting tomorrow with our reconciliation. WH has been great this week with keeping his cool, with letting me vent, with trying to take positive steps and I have failed to recognize it because I am consumed by anger. I am consumed by half facts and imaginations and wild thoughts. I know that part of that is normal as we are only two months into this process, but part of me isn't sure the mood swings should be so crazy, so today I contacted my doctor and asked about an anti depressant. She is going to get back to me and we will discuss options. WH would prefer me not to be on one because he feels what I am experiencing is normal after what I've been put through. Even when he got angry he always kept saying "You are not crazy. I have traumatized you....this is normal."

Despite being normal it has taken it's toll on him too and before it takes anymore of a toll on my six year old, amazing son, I want to strongly consider help through medicine. I am already with a great counselor who is encouraging me to consider it but not pushing me to.

Today my husband and I seem to be on the same page about the MC. She talks down to us. I have a feeling we will be reconsidering using her in the future. Unfortunately we are in an area where there are very few choices for therapists or counselors. We will be praying we can find a good therapist to help us or just continue to receive spiritual guidance from our pastor, and guidance from our ICs.

Lastly, I want to thank you all for all your support of late. I have painted my husband out to be a monster and he has actually started to see himself as one and is actively seeking help to change. He has NEVER been a physically abusive person to me...EVER. I know I made him sound emotionally abusive and he has been in the past, but NOT to the point others have because I know what that is. That is how my grandfather was to my mom and her sisters.He was also physically abusive.

I am a Christian and my language has been awful on these boards. Just awful. I haven't trusted in GOd at all. Ihaven't leaned on him like I should. I regret this. And I regret I used language I shouldn't have while upset. Thank you all for all your support and I hope I can continue to be encouraged by you (blakesteele comes to mind).


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW!

We are reconsidering counselors too.

I am not proud of how I have acted many times since DD.

I have not always trusted God either.

You are so new into this...yet seem to be growing so rapidly. I am not jealous, I am happy for you.

Keep the faith!


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
StillStanding1
♀ 40144
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your ending statements made me smile... I, too, would like to think I am better than the person who has been shooting off the profanities (here and with my friends) as I have never done before in my lifetime. Infidelity has brought out many qualities I've been proud of: compassion, patience.. and some I detest: my potty mouth especially! No apologies necessary. We all understand!!!!

I'm so glad to hear how great your WH has been. I hope it continues and that you find a better MC.

I am trying to decide how long I should continue to wait for my WH to fully extract his head from his behind and am losing hope that it may even be possible.

Notes like yours remind me that perhaps it still is...

Sending you hugs and strength.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 737 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not very uptight about profanity. One of my son's first words began with F - though I watched my language in his hearing after that.

topper - I'm writing to suggest you spend more time with yourself instead of thinking about how you're interacting with your H and he with you.

Focus on what you want, on the life you want to live, and on how you want to live your life.

You've been traumatized. That separated me from myself, and I think that's common. Focusing on yourself reintegrates you, and that's an important part of healing. Remember, you have to validate yourself; your H can't do it for you.

ADs? Talk with your doc. Frankly, your posts don't sound depressed, but you can't diagnose based on virtual world conversations. If ADs seem like a good idea to you first and to your doc 2nd, try 'em out. Your H can't make your decision for you.

Hang in, topper. Life gets better. Not soon enough, but it does get better, and it can even get downright good.

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:27 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
topperoff22
♀ 40762
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are so new into this...yet seem to be growing so rapidly. I am not jealous, I am happy for you.

Oh man...if you could only see my bad days...you might not think this at all! lol!


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
♀ 40762
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying to decide how long I should continue to wait for my WH to fully extract his head from his behind and am losing hope that it may even be possible.

My WH's head isn't totally out of his ass yet, but it's almost poop free.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
♀ 40762
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm writing to suggest you spend more time with yourself instead of thinking about how you're interacting with your H and he with you.

Focus on what you want, on the life you want to live, and on how you want to live your life.

I could NOT agree more!


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Profanity is a strong expression of a weak mind.--Mark Twain.

My favorite humorist...my favorite quote of his. It changed me decades ago...I use to cuss when I got mad. Mark (yeah, we are on first name basis) simply states a truth. Since then I have solved way more conflicts then I would have if I had stuck to my old ways.

Once a person starts cussing he has lost control...he is of weak mind....I have not found answers to anything while I was cussing. I thought I was of strong mind....

My mind was ill-equipped to handle the pain of adultery. Adultery does many things....and it sure weakened my mind and cussing came back with a vengeance.

And, once again, when I was cussing no conflicts were being resolved.

Now....what would Mark say about a man who repeats something from his past?

History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme!--Mark Twain

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:32 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

topperoff22...I bet you have off days....just impressed with the amount of ON days you have had so early on. It bodes well for your future and is a credit to your character. Apparently I needed much more character development then you did!

A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.--Mark Twain.

okay...I will stop with thread jacking via Mark Twain...

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:37 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
topperoff22
♀ 40762
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It bodes well for your future and is a credit to your character.

My parents' character is really where the credit should be placed. They have been amazing throughout this entire thing. Have they been angry? No...Hurt? Yes. Disappointed in WH? Yes. Forgiving, caring, ready to help him get back on the right track? All the way..even when I didn't want to.

I've also been blessed to have amazing friends who hit their knees and started praying for my marriage and my husband almost immediately after hearing of this. And an amazing pastor who was upset for me but also reached out to my WH.

So, I guess...credit has to go to Christ ... even on the days I sit and wonder if he's even real or if there is a God because of this past year and how horrible it has been for our family. This affair...it's only been one of many nightmares that has hit us in 2013. This is one year I can't wait to be over!


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
♀ 40762
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Profanity is a strong expression of a weak mind.--Mark Twain.
My favorite humorist...my favorite quote of his. It changed me decades ago...I use to cuss when I got mad. Mark (yeah, we are on first name basis) simply states a truth. Since then I have solved way more conflicts then I would have if I had stuck to my old ways.

Once a person starts cussing he has lost control...he is of weak mind....I have not found answers to anything while I was cussing. I thought I was of strong mind....

My mind was ill-equipped to handle the pain of adultery. Adultery does many things....and it sure weakened my mind and cussing came back with a vengeance.

And, once again, when I was cussing no conflicts were being resolved

.

I am a huge Mark Twain fan and I couldn't agree with this more!. I live a half an hour from where he wrote some of his books and can visit the little gazebo/office where he wrote. Around Halloween they have a tour of the graveyard where he is buried. Maybe I'll have to check it out this year, though I'm not sure what the point of that tour is. Hahaha.

[This message edited by topperoff22 at 11:01 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Profanity is a strong expression of a weak mind.--Mark Twain

No. It isn't.

Swearing doesn't equal a loss of control. I highly doubt that any conflict that I had with stbx would have been assuaged if I had used one less *f* word. And TBH, I *gained* strength by using *strong* language. Sometimes it does really feel good to tell your WS to "go fuck yourself."

@ OP...topper. You are ping-ponging all over the place.....and that's okay. Just don't sink your tent-post in yet. Watch and wait......


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8181 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes it does really feel good to tell your WS to "go fuck yourself."

Oh gonna, you are so right.

There is nothing wrong with venting and trashy language during this time. Especially here, among others who also hurt and get it.

I do agree with gonna topper...

@ OP...topper. You are ping-ponging all over the place.....and that's okay. Just don't sink your tent-post in yet. Watch and wait......

Take care of you.Although your feelings have been all over the place and that IS normal, I worry a bit about your sudden need to defend your husbands actions.

His throwing things and slamming things is not ok and IMO is abusive.

Is there a reason why you are now excusing this? Defending him and his actions? I think it is something you may want to look into. I know emotions run high, but throwing photos or other items, even at you, is NEVER acceptible.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 11:48 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gently gonnabe2016...just because something feels good doesn't make it good, doesn't make it strong. Affairs feel good, they are weak decisions that weaken a marriage. The only control we have is of ourselves. When a person gets to the level of anger that causes them to choose curse words to gain control, that person has effectively run out of control of themselves and have reverted to a primal...I am going to beat you down to submission...level. This is why Marks words ring true. What conflict did you resolve when you told your husband to go fuck himself? What self-growth did you experience after cussing at him? Would that resolution or growth have been "less" with one less cuss word?

There is a time for righteous anger...that is a different creature then the angry, cursing state that Mark speaks of. Everyone should absolutely stand up for themselves and defend against attacks. But to continue to cuss at your fWS for hurts that they are no longer inflicting is just plain wrong. I get it feels good to release pent up anger...but suggest there are healthier ways to do so.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:22 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You said he has thrown his wedding ring..at your head..4 times..he has stood over you screaming at you while you were in a fetal position on the floor. When you walk away,he follows and screams some more. He has thrown things and shattered glass everywhere..that is violent.

You also have mentioned that during one of these outbursts,you have hidden behind your bed.

Do not excuse these actions away because your grandpa was worse.

Is your WH in IC? He needs to find constructive ways to deal with his anger.


It bothers me,as well,that you seem to be excusing his actions. Your WH likes to play the victim..and it seems it has worked.

[This message edited by confused615 at 7:29 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7897 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 15

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