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Newest Member: Toothpick (46993)

User Topic: Another year - and mostly, it sucked
♂ 33699
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This post has been long in coming. I've been rollercoastering a bunch over the past year and I need to vent, a bunch. In general I choose to focus on the positive and when I am knocked down I work as hard as I can to get back on top and stay there until I am beaten down again. The past couple of weeks have been especially tough. I just got done telling IC that we could lessen the frequency of my visits and then I got knocked hard and have been triggering some since Thursday night.

First of all, I want to mention something (rather someone) quite good in my life right now. I am dating a totally awesome woman who is absolutely fantastic, wonderful to talk with and to be with and provides me true support when I need it most. We actually talk with each other. Good, fun stuff and difficult, deep discussions too. I've never had a relationship with someone I can connect with as well as I do now. On real stuff Ė kids, each other, religion, FOO, values, interests.


Today is the 2nd anti-versary of the day that I confronted XWW about her A. D-Day was 2 days ago and quite honestly I hardly registered it. But over the past year basically everything that is not related to GF generally sucked.

I had my surgery last October for BPH. The timing being right around D-Day plus my fear of how it would potentially decrease my quality of life really drove me down a bunch.

DS20 was arrested for pot possession (misdemeaner) in November. Bailed him out. Went to court and pled no contest.

Two days after being sentenced to probation he gets stopped and arrested for possession with intent to sell (felony) plus two weapons charges (pocket knife plus sheathed knife in the car - felonies). Made him sit in jail for a couple of weeks but eventually got him out.

Then he gets arrested a few months later for passing bad checks (This actually happened over a year earlier and finally caught up with him). This one is partly my fault because I spoke to the bank and was trying to make good on the debt for the kid but I didn't get the money to the bank before the charges were passed and the cops showed up at the door.

Had a major blow-up with DSS18 when he attacked DD22 for not having her driverís license and needing a ride to work. Karma being the bitch she is paid a nice visit when he needed a ride to school from DD because his car was not functional. She pointed out the irony of him needing a ride from her after the way he acted towards her. He did apologize.

Helped DSS(yes the same one) get his car running, told xWW that I couldn't afford all that I paid for him and asked to split to cost 60:40 with me taking on the 60% - she said no.

DSS22 found out his W was cheating on him. She gave him a choice - he could accept her having a BF who takes her on vacations all around the world or he can leave. He left. xDIL tells her OM that he can have the family he always wanted ready to go. DSS22 says no way - that's MY kid! But he worked for her father who made sure he was travelling 5 days a week so when they finally went to court for the D they had documentation on how the baby was always with the mother (lie - he was with the grandparents) and how DSS was always traveling for work. He loses the custody battle. Gets his son for one full week each month (at least until school starts - don't know what will happen after that). Now he is with a really sweet girl he knew in HS but he never really dealt with the A or his issues in his M. He just cried it out then moved on, so I worry that it will all come back to bite him some day.

Then my PSA tests come back high - doc does other tests, they come back high also. Get biopsy with double the number of cores taken out. No cancer, just a pain in the ass - literally.
That's good news.

XWW says she wants more money Ė see earlier posts. I say no so now the full bitch is out. She reeks of attitude when I try to talk about the kids and school issues. I really do not need her BS and drama.

Then when all that settles down, I have my mid year review. Boss tells me I'm essentially on borrowed time. Suggests "as a friend" that I start looking for work elsewhere. That I have a few months left and he is not sure if I can recover. IMO Part of it is because of perceptions, part because of the hole I dug myself when I was in the BS fog 2 years ago and just lost all my drive. And a lot of it (I am certain) is office politics. I don't want to go into details but the short of it is that a pain in the ass and I don't see eye to eye and my boss and his boss are pushing me out while all of their peers have given me a lot of positive feedback. Unfortunately I found out Thursday that the head of the department only knows about the negative because those people are the most vocal.

I am really looking into starting my own consulting company. One potential client is very interested in working with me to help him get his plant in China running well. Iím finding some other opportunities that I can go after too but quite frankly, Iím skittish. Iíve been beaten up so much that Iím almost afraid to try. Insurance was scaring me but the numbers donít look too frightening as long as I can keep a steady income.

Iíve tried to get myself running a few times a week. I set a goal to be ready to do a 10 miler in Atlanta by the end of the month but I keep missing chances to train or I am too tired.

How do I pull myself out of this funk Iím in? Some days I can feel the pressure and I catch myself but other days I just feel like giving up. Sometimes I resent the fact that I have so many people counting on me that I cannot give up. It really sucks to be the responsible one.

I know this will pass. Maybe itís related to going through A season exacerbated by the work crap. IDK. I just know that I am tired.

Sorry this is so long. If anyone has read through the entire thing Ė thanks.

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie

Posts: 3664 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
♂ 29293
Member # 29293
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have been heard my man. In many respects, right there with you.

She's wanting more money, throws on the bitch hat time and time again when I say no. Entitlement issues coming out of the ying-yang.

Car problems = my problem even though she put on 180,000 KM on the vehicle, many MANY affair KM's, but the repairs are all on me because my name is on the lease. Barely a pot to piss in these days financially, so I'm driving around in a car that is in desperate need of repair, but can't afford the repairs so I cross my fingers that something dreadful doesn't happen while I'm driving it.

I relate to the work thing as well, this whole A shit really drains you and affects productivity at work. Luckily, I am working my way back up to normal, but it's been a long process.

On the bright side, you are not facing a cold, snowy winter like I am.

BS (Me): 40 STBXWW (Her): 40
M: 15 Years, 2 Awesome Boys

Five simple rules of happiness:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

Posts: 712 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Alberta
♂ 33699
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I hear you on the entitlement She told me she expected to profit off the M. As if I owed her.

The car situation sucks. Sorry about that man. When can you get out from under that lease?

I got an old (1999) Mercury when I wreck my truck when I was in the fog. I hate it because I associate it with the A but DS20 loves it so he gets to drive it and I got myself something a little newer and more what I want to drive.

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie

Posts: 3664 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, that's quite a bit. An awful lot of people holding their hand out for um, hand outs, and demanding that you fix things. That would get to anyone, BS or not.

The job thing though. I hear you. I was in the same boat and got lucky when the job I have now opened up. It has helped A LOT. So much so that I don't think I'd be as healed as I am (which isn't frankly saying much lol) without it.

So, my advice to you is to accept this challenge and run with it. I think it would be good for you. Be glad you got enough forewarning that you *can* do something about it.


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3289 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
♂ 33857
Member # 33857
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the many bright spots this last year for me was the pleasure of finally meeting you GA.

You are a great guy! Smart, Devoted Parent, Outgoing, etc.

Our dinner was awesome..

I heard those biopsies hurt like crazy. You truly are GAHurts!

Good for you to have a vent like this. You are too good of a person to be kept down for long.

I am envious about your SO!

The three things thread always helps.

Hang in there brother...

Divorced by Interlocutory decree in May 2012. WW had an affair with a 66 yo doctor she worked for.
D-Day Sept 16. 2011.
BH- 54Me) / XWW 52
Two great kids that don't deserve this!

Posts: 734 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Western Kentucky
♀ 30341
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, that is a lot of "stuff" to deal with GA. Life can be a roller coaster of shitty events sometimes. Hang in there...

Pulling yourself out of the funk? Exercise is what does it for me, exercise and focusing on the good people in my life...that, and not fighting the funk too much...taking necessary action and allowing the funk to run it's course.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:53

Posts: 3269 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know why, but it seems like bad things come in large groups.

I also lost my work mojo during the A and it's aftermath.

Hang in there.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7980 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
♂ 33699
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. Your comments mean a lot to me.

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie

Posts: 3664 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
♀ 20849
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs))) That is a lot to deal with and
I don't know why, but it seems like bad things come in large groups.
yeah. That is usually how it works for now it sounds like you got all the bad stuff out of the way so the good stuff can start!

How do I pull myself out of this funk Iím in
I don't know on that one...I'm in the same place. If I figure it out I'll let you know!

Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15795 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
♀ 20150
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm exhausted just reading all that...

Please try to get to bed earlier than usual and just... rest.

The change of season tires me out as well. On top of the other stuff, no wonder you're feeling a little under the weather!

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 18099 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm so sorry, friend. You are an amazingly kind, intelligent, funny guy who deserves to have peace and happiness.

Hopefully this year is a "valley" year, and the peaks are right around the corner. You're doing so well to keep moving forward and being motivated in work, relationships, and personal growth. Just know that all this crap you're working through is making you more "Superman" by the day.

I hope next year is easier on you.

"All the wars, all the hatred, all the ignorance in the world come out of being so invested in our opinions. And at bottom, those opinions are merely our efforts to escape the underlying uneasiness of being human. - Pema Chodron

Posts: 20800 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
♀ 9772
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ďNothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.Ē

― Charles Chaplin

"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 888 | Registered: Feb 2006
♀ 24518
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some years, the roller coaster ride is rougher than others. Dealing with an antiversary can make things a lot tougher, too.

Be kind to yourself. Recognize that you have been dealing with an exceptional amount of stressful life stuff, on top of the traumas of infidelity and divorce. It's no wonder you're tired.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect

Posts: 12237 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
♀ 27428
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 1354 | Registered: Feb 2010
♂ 14866
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am so sorry that things have been tough. You are a great guy and you don't deserve these hardships. Take time to continue to smell the roses moreso than the rot. Don't let the bad times taint your good times.


Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; theyíll scratch you up time and time again but in the end youíre polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

Posts: 53970 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
♂ 33699
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again everyone.

I had been really excited for DS20. He applied at Waffle House, interviewed and they wanted him to start right away. They told him he only needed the paperwork that showed that his sentence was listed as First Offender.He was pretty motivated and got up the next day, showered and was ready to work. Worked from 8 - 2 and wanted to cross train and learn as many jobs as he could.

(In GA, you can plea "First Offender" to your first felony offense and after you serve whatever sentence you are given then it is wiped free from your record. But if you get arrested again the penalties are much uch worse.)

So when I got home last night I asked DS20 how work went and he replied that he lost the job. When they did his background check, the corporate office then informed him that they would not be able to hire him until 5 years after the daye of sentencing - a year after his probation is complete.

Damn! The kid just can't seem to catch a break. But when he stated that the universe is against him, I replied "No, You made some bad choices and now you have to deal with the consequences. And yes it really sucks."

I'm hoping he will consider goign back to school so that once his probation is finished he can hit the ground running.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie

Posts: 3664 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
♀ 8637
Member # 8637
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aw that sucks about the kids. They can break your heart in a minute, can't they?


Job stuff- well I sent you a PM. And hey it is officially a "candidate's market" now so you may not have as rough a time changing positions as you may think. Start looking asap- average job hunt is about 6 months they say.

Glad you have your SO to give you some joy.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

If this isn't what I consider soulmate crap, I don't know what is.

Posts: 13306 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: GA
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh ga, I'm so sorry - it will get better. Though I know it's hard to wait for it.

I'm dealing with concerns with my DS19 - he's not working, not taking care of things, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Ugh.

You're heard my friend, and we are all pulling for you.
Honestly, I'm at almost 3 years post Dday - and it was at the 2 year antiversary where things, especially my perspective, really seemed to take a positive turn. ((Hugs))

[This message edited by persevere at 7:34 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]

Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44

Status: D 2011

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling

Posts: 4835 | Registered: Mar 2011
Topic Posts: 18

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