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I've stopped talking about it.

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naivewife posted 10/9/2013 19:35 PM

Is this okay or normal? I don't know what it is exactly but in the past few weeks I've slowly gotten to the point where I really don't talk to WH about the A anymore. I just can't bear to, for some reason. I certainly still think about it, and get upset about it - but I just don't feel like talking anymore. It's like I've gotten to the point where I feel like "what's the point?" I hurt, I'm going to hurt, I've spent the last 7 months talking about it ad nauseam, and there's nothing any talk can do about it. WH will ask me what's wrong, and say things like "don't shut me out" but I just don't want to talk anymore.
So what do you think? Anyone else go through this? Is this a sign of healing? Rugsweeping? Depression? I have no idea if this is healthy or not. I just don't even know what to say about it anymore.

[This message edited by naivewife at 7:51 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

unfound posted 10/9/2013 19:47 PM

It might just be your brain/thoughts needing a break for a bit. It can be overwhelming. There's nothing wrong with not talking about it as long as you're not stewing and building resentments.

I got that way too after a while, then rared back up again. The more he would talk with me about it though, the less and less I need to talk about it.

Has he been helpful when you do need to talk?

blakesteele posted 10/9/2013 20:21 PM

Hi niavewife...haven't seen you around much...maybe this post explains that.

I have felt like you do several times. First, I believe I felt this because it was so tiring...just wore me smooth out.

Second time I felt it I thought my M was over.

Third time I felt it I actually got kind of bored with it.

Fourth time I felt it...which is where I am at now....I ask but it is almost in passing....days go by that I don't ask about the A. What I have started to try to ask and engage about is our M....and my journey back to it and my wifes journey back to it.

You list several items that COULD be a possibility....maybe IC session or two would help out.

I read a ton...that is my vice now. So far each book has helped me through a particular part that I am stuck at. Currently reading Boundaries in a Marriage....started it because I got to thinking I had boundary issues...turns out I do! Yee-haw!

Next on the list is a book on abandonment issues and why I did what I did and why I settled for what I settled for in our pre-A marriage.

Anything in particular you are curious about yourself?

Glad to see you back...might through a nonsense post out if nothing big is happening. I have done that....sometimes it results in nothing, sometimes it kicks me off the gravel bar and I am once again floating down the creek.

God be with you.

naivewife posted 10/9/2013 21:04 PM

Thank you unfound and blakesteele. I think just plain "tired" is probably a very big part of it. I was just looking at some of my most recent posts and I seem to have gone through some kind of processing frenzy just before this shut down, loads of questions, issues, and emotional blow-ups. I guess perhaps it's just a sort of mental vacation. Not to mention, in the meantime I'm dealing with teething and sick babies and have been sick myself. I will try to just appreciate the "break" (if you can call it that!) and be prepared for more fun ahead. I do have an IC appointment tomorrow and will bring it up. I also notice that with this silent period I'm also focusing more on WH's actions rather than words, which has been interesting. It's been strange to shift from blurting out every thought that pops into my head about the A, to suddenly just holding it in and thinking about it. It seems to have both pros and cons - maybe making me better at dealing with things on my own, but also the risk of resentment does run much higher. Also, it's kind of unsettling to see WH appearing to enjoy my silence. I wouldn't mind the occasional "How are you doing with your thoughts/emotions about everything?" Or something like that.
Anyway, thanks again for taking the time to respond. Blakesteele, I have to rely on all of your awesome insightful posts from your reading because I literally have NO time whatsoever to read these days. Just getting to IC and MC is enough of a trick, and normally I do so with a baby tucked under my arm.
Alright, enough self pity! Thanks guys. Back to my silent self.

blakesteele posted 10/10/2013 18:45 PM

Glad I can help out niavewife. CAUTION: my logic and wisdom is flawed!

I have a passion for change and growth...I sense this in you too. I have gained wisdom and felt support from you too. I was glad to see you post again.

If this wasn't so painful it would be exciting...growth is good. Grow is not always fun but it is always good. Support from people on this site is so valuable.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:47 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]

blakesteele posted 10/10/2013 19:11 PM

Teething and not feeling well are definite stressors. Hope hubby is doing a bit of caring for you...not A related repairs, just good old fashioned "hot tea and sprite" kind of stuff. Got to remember our marriage is bigger then surviving infidelity. I lose sight of that at times. Sometimes it is good to do regular M stuff like care for each other...just have fun together....just have fun by yourself.

I, too, have done the "all nighter" processing thing....nothing wrong with that. Just don't let the inevitable "crash" rattle you.

I, too, have learned there is value in holding in emotions for a bit. I am not talking about through sweeping or repressing. I am talking about holding it in, leaning into the feeling as long as you can, then hold it a bit more. It helps us grow because sometimes you never have to let it find your way through it all on your own...very empowering! Other times you have to let it out, but I have found what you let out can be very different them what you would have if you immediately expressed yourself. Many times I start out thinking my wife needs to change only to find out the real change necessary is in me!

And sometimes I just explode in area of tears or anger.

It's tough tough stuff. Tonight I grateful for these trials. I see it as an opportunity to mature parts of me that are shockingly immature.

You are learning just like I am, minus all the reading!

"There are 3 types of people in this world, blakesteele. Those who are born smart, those who learn to be smart, and there are those like you...who have to fake it 'till they make it!"--my favorite college professor said to me on graduation day. Follow me at your own peril!!'

Keep the faith.

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