Stillstanding1...my fear is easily traced back to my parents D. As a 12 year old boy I hardly ever saw my parents fight or even be overly cold to each other (never saw them lovey dovey though either). Then the D happened and almost overnight my Dad disappeared from my life. At age 22 I flew out to see my Dad with my then GF now W...his first sentence to me when we had alone time?....What do you want from me?....my answer....a relationship.
Back to your question....I am not sure all the reasons a fear of abandonment can establish itself. I do feel this fear is tied to self esteem...afterall, it left me feeling like I had no value to Dad.....so maybe you don't have abandonment issues, but maybe there was traumatic experiences in your life that damaged your self esteem, besides the A? The A is enough to destroy self esteem all on its own...that is a major player in RA...but you are referencing your marriage pre-A, so that isn't a player.
Sorry...I have read a lot, but still lack full wisdom on this.
my own feelings of inadequacy and fear of failure
mellie99...I also took tests this year that suggest I am an over-achiever and have perfectionist tendencies. After those results I read up on what that really means and how I can have those traits. Was surprised to have them because I never felt like I had to be top-of-my class or like I was doing anything besides having a strong work ethic. I also took on new experiences and challenges without guarantees of success with regards to work projects, water skiing, etc.
BUT, once I started reading about these traits it didn't take me long to realize there are more then the stereotypical definitions for them.
I believe I have some of both of these in me. I think it ties into fear of abandonment. I wrestle with this crazy notion that if I do more then is expected of me or someone in my position (over achieving) I have a greater cushion between me and getting fired. I wrestle with when I do something I want to achieve it flawlessly...because if I do something with flaws, those flaws will cause a person to leave me.
Yeah, its embarrassing to find this about myself. It is shocking to see myself in such a new light. It is something to realize how broken I am in the wake of being hurt so deeply by my wifes decisions.
everyone talks about the WS and the AP being broken, I see that I was broken too
The up-side of this shit? That I am aware of my issues, that they are a part of me, and that I can modify and change me. I have started where it is easiest...at work. I sit on my hands more at staff meetings and no ill effects have happened (have not been fired!).
Of course I wouldn't be fired...to those who don't have this FofA issues this must sound insane....and it is insane...but it is real.
By living like I lived I was constantly planning for the future and worst case scenarios....not bad in moderation. But my own fears were robbing me from enjoying the present. The pay off to me over modifying this aspect of my life is that my life is actually improving in spite of the status of my M. I actually enjoy spending time with our dog, take her on rides with me...stuff I did years ago but got out of the practice of doing. Fishing is becoming more of an interest for me (not feeling guilty about spending time and money on that hobby). Being child-like with my wife...poking her playfully occasionally....so my M is improving.
The list is long and growing on what I stopped doing....not all tied to FofA...just think I was getting so far off balance, my wife felt this too thus her choice to have an A, that I was giving up lots of fun stuff in a vane effort to hold onto my M and keep my family intact. I see now I was doing lots of stuff that had no bearing on the state of my M, but it was the only thing I could think to do.
Once a person knows better they can choose to do better.
That is why my guilt is in check. I did not know any better in the past....I did the best I could. I am grateful for my opportunity to learn more so I can do more...and that is NOT over achieving. That is achieving what normal people do in healthy marriages.
God help us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:26 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]