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cluless posted 10/9/2013 21:35 PM

I understand that in order to let the anger go and truly move forward you have to gain acceptance.

Where does it say "how" to do this? I want so much to let go of the anger, it's tearing me apart inside.


SerJR posted 10/9/2013 21:44 PM

Acceptance does not mean approval.
Acceptance means accepting the fact that certain things happened and that the past cannot be changed. It means that you are ready and actively working on moving forward to the next phase of your life.

Sometimes, just knowing what it is can help.
It is a process and it takes both time and energy to get there. It's not something that happens suddenly. But with every choice and action you make to take care of yourself you are moving there - one step at a time.

brokenniceguy posted 10/9/2013 22:19 PM

I second SerJR and want to add acceptance does not mean forgiveness either. It took my MC telling me that.

I struggled with acceptance for almost a year. Here is how I learned acceptance - Some friends encouraged me to sign up for a long bike race a few months ago (5-6 hours on a bike...). About 4 hours in, I was in agony and I the middle of the woods with 3 options: continue forward with the pain, stop and sit down and wait to die or someone to carry me out, or reverse the route which had even more pain involved. At that point the concept of acceptance set in: I really had one choice - forward even though it was going to hurt. But eventually the hurt will go away and this will be a memory, regardless of all the events that led to that moment in the woods. For the remaining part of the ride I almost felt good experiencing acceptance.

Now when I think of accepting the affair, I think of that lesson on the bike. However, it could be any other painful reality we can't avoid, such as a bad day at work, broken bones, failing a test, or childbirth for the ladies. Not that these should minimize the affair, but they hopefully help understand how we do acceptance all the time and may not even know it.

At least that was my experience...Good luck.

Ostrich80 posted 10/9/2013 23:23 PM

My perception of acceptance is letting go of what you thought things were going to be like. Realizing it doesn't mean you can't find happiness again, it just may be a different future. This was the hardest thing for up what I thought my life was going to be and realizing the man I knew has been replaced and I most likely won't be seeing him again.

cluless posted 10/10/2013 01:29 AM

That is GREAT advice, thank you all. I love the analogy of the bike ride, it makes sense. So the first thing we need to do on the 180 is "acceptance" that's basically to "let go" of the anger. We accept it took place, but what if we do accept it and you still get angry from triggers? Does that mean you haven't mastered acceptance?

I just want my pain to end, I want to be able to think with a clear mind and I can't do that sitting here thinking about this and trying to piece his timeline together. Now that I've gotten most of the truth, I feel at peace and now concentrate on getting healthy and taking care of myself. I'm really hoping no big bombs are going to drop, do you people think I am pathetic b/c I've had d=day three times now? Am I too gullible? Is it wrong to want to believe your husband even though you he could still be lying? That's where the anger comes in, I get yet another lie and I'm mad.

Thanks for your help, nobody said this was going to be easy.

silverhopes posted 10/10/2013 02:34 AM

Maybe acceptance is taking one bite at a time. Acceptance of one detail at a time, one reality at a time. It might be overwhelming to try to accept it all at once. Like SerJR said, acceptance doesn't mean approval. In fact, accepting your own feelings about it might be part of the process. "This happened, and I am not OK with it. I accept that it makes me really angry that he cheated on me, and it's OK to be angry about it."

Acceptance might mean processing it for a long time. It doesn't happen all at once. Sometimes we have to think of things many times over for it to sink in and for ourselves to handle it. One bite at a time, it takes time.

cantgetup posted 10/10/2013 06:05 AM

I swore I didn't have it in me to accept. I'm not built that way. How on earth was I going to live with what I was being forced to accept? The horribleness of it all. I kept telling myself there was no way this was ever going to be ok, while at the same time trudging forward to see what would happen. I did gain acceptance. I'm shocked at my self. But glad I pushed forward.

rachelc posted 10/10/2013 07:53 AM

I'm just not worrying about it and taking it day by day. Acceptance and forgiveness - I'll worry about it later. I need a break from all this.

cluless posted 10/10/2013 11:05 AM

So once you get through acceptance, then I assume the next step is forgiveness? Again that is about us not the WS.

I do think I get the "acceptance" it's a matter of choice "where" you allow your thoughts to go. When they come in, you can go someplace else and you won't get all worked up. So, I'm going to do that now that I've finally got the entire truth.

sisoon posted 10/10/2013 12:31 PM

Screw acceptance! In my language, the only way to release the anger is to feel it and let it go.

That doesn't mean beating anyone up, least of all yourself. (Of course, it could mean hitting a punching bag....) It's knowing that you're angry and know what you're angry about.

Two things have worked well for me:

1) Telling my W 'I'm angry that you did ____.'

2) At our MC's direction, writing by hand for 3-5 minutes at a time 'I'm angry that _____' or 'I'm angry about_____', filling in the blanks as I see fit without censorship.

Thefly559 posted 10/10/2013 13:27 PM

I agree to an extent with sisoon why do I have to forgive? Or accept? I am living , I will move on but she does not deserve acceptance or forgiveness and I need to stay in anger for my protection. I am afraid to leave anger then I will be weak again I am not talking about any kind of violence. Just anger , which I release at the gym or yoga or boxing or my motorcycle !!! Whatever. But I like being in anger I channel it to other parts like work also. If I accept than I accept ! And I will never accept what she did to me ever ! I feel this is an individual choice and everyone handles it different. I treat people how I am treated. So my anger will not show with people who respect me so I am not worried about carrying this to my next relationship. That's how I feel but I am sure tons will disagree.

EZ24get posted 10/10/2013 14:29 PM

If I accept than I accept ! And I will never accept what she did to me ever !

^^^ That's how I feel too. WH and I actually agreed, that cheating was never an acceptable option. I still do not think it is, and never will.

The way I think about it,... I have to acknowledge that it has happened but, it remains absolutely unacceptable.

cluless posted 10/10/2013 15:15 PM

I've done the anger thing, and I'm SURE I will "explode" at any given moment. I've now almost beat up 3 women, and I'm not violent

I know it sounds like IF we "accept" what they did it some how makes it okay, that's NOT what it is. It is NOT forgiveness, it is NOT FORGETTING, it's for you NOT her. That's the same thing about forgiveness, it's NOT for her IT'S FOR YOU.

I've lived MANY years as a victim of incest, victim of rape, victim of alcoholic parents (mom died when I was 16 from it); victim of emotional and physical abuse; I really could go on here. It was when MY son stole my pain medication and became a drug addict and I sought help at Alanon did I really LEARN how damaging being the victim is to a person. It was slowly killing me. I actually made amends to the people that wronged me, when I "let go" of that anger, I guess calling it acceptance, that is when I could breathe. It didn't change those other people's lives one bit, it CHANGED MINE. There is a quote I want to finish with that I'd like you to think about....

They are like taking poison while waiting for that person to die...... think about it..,

rachelc posted 10/10/2013 15:21 PM

but I don't think resentment and acceptance are the same thing.
I don't accept what he did. I agree with above poster that accepting means saying it's ok. I accept that it happened, and currently deciding if I can live with it, but that doesn't mean resentment.
I agree that resentment can ruin your life and that being bitter is not worth it. But I don't think that means acceptance.
If I divorce my husband it will be that I cannot accept what he did. I won't be resentful or bitter. I will forgive him. But accepting it means to me that you're saying it's ok for someone to abuse you. It's not.

Thefly559 posted 10/10/2013 15:32 PM

I believe pain and anger if used correctly are tools . They can develop into great things. In life laws are made after people die, inventions are created from anger or someone hurt! Great music! There is a lot of good that can come from the right type of anger. Yes I now accept what she did not because I want to but because I have to , the same way I accept a loved ones death , or a grave tragedy. But I do not like it or forgive her ever. Like I said I use the anger for protection and fuel . That is me and how I choose to deal with it. I am sorry for your tragedies and life experiences and for all in this boat but we all cope in our own way. I don't think anyone is right or wrong. She took a part of me that I will never get back and destroyed our or my dreams and family , I choose never to forgive her. Myself I will forgive eventually for letting her. But never her!

ladies_first posted 10/10/2013 17:52 PM

Here's another post on acceptance:

crazyblindsided posted 10/10/2013 18:35 PM

Yes I agree with the poster who said that acceptance is more of an understanding of what happened. That we recognize the A happened and will always be a part of the M history.

I have just come to acceptance recently and I can tell my anger is mostly gone now (I am 20 months from Dday). I still get sad that it happened and I think there will always be a tender spot.

I'm more sad at who my WH became or proved himself to be in his A and post A fog.

Best way I got to acceptance, I focused solely on myself and stopped looking to my WH to heal me. I healed myself and accepted his A the best way I could, on my terms.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:39 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]

foundoutlater posted 10/10/2013 19:33 PM

For me I had to accept that it actually happened. I was so far from reality that it would hit over and over again that this is real. When that stopped is when I accepted that it actually happened, that it is part of my history. To move forward I had to accept that it is OK to work through this with the W and build the relationship with her that I want. I donít see how I could move through this (not stay stuck) without accepting that it happened.

I can relate to the anger. For me it is a slow process. I have accepted that I will always be angry about it. But I realized there are other things that happened in my past that I will always be angry about. Accepting that has helped me.

Itstoohard posted 10/10/2013 19:39 PM

One of my goals since dd has to to learn to accept that my past is not what I thought. Acceptance to me is as been said " to accept someone's death". It's happened and I can't change that. My first and number one goal has been to forgive myself for putting up with all his abuse- mostly verbal- for so many years. I know now it's was his discuss with his self for the A, so he took it out on me cuz he blamed me for all his brokenness. I lived in a war zone where I was the enemy. Yep, I have to forgive me first.

cluless posted 10/11/2013 11:34 AM

It's interesting when you said

Acceptance to me is as been said " to accept someone's death". It's happened and I can't change that.

That's how all of this feels to me, like I'm experiencing a death. You CAN'T change what happened no matter how much you wish you could. I feel even worse because I KNEW something was going on an at the time I didn't care. I remember thinking "good he can have an affair" then I'll have an excuse to divorce him.

He also treated me like the enemy for most of our M. His A lasted 18 months with his first love. I guess during the course of this A he realized he didn't love her and she was a mistake. But that pain of him pursuing her in the first place is what gets me so sad. I was dying, I had just been diagnosed AGAIN to have my 4th surgery, my body was tired, I was at my lowest in recorded history and that is when he chose to after another woman.

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