Where does it say "how" to do this? I want so much to let go of the anger, it's tearing me apart inside.
Status: We're going to try IC one more time.
Sometimes, just knowing what it is can help.
It is a process and it takes both time and energy to get there. It's not something that happens suddenly. But with every choice and action you make to take care of yourself you are moving there - one step at a time.
I struggled with acceptance for almost a year. Here is how I learned acceptance - Some friends encouraged me to sign up for a long bike race a few months ago (5-6 hours on a bike...). About 4 hours in, I was in agony and I the middle of the woods with 3 options: continue forward with the pain, stop and sit down and wait to die or someone to carry me out, or reverse the route which had even more pain involved. At that point the concept of acceptance set in: I really had one choice - forward even though it was going to hurt. But eventually the hurt will go away and this will be a memory, regardless of all the events that led to that moment in the woods. For the remaining part of the ride I almost felt good experiencing acceptance.
Now when I think of accepting the affair, I think of that lesson on the bike. However, it could be any other painful reality we can't avoid, such as a bad day at work, broken bones, failing a test, or childbirth for the ladies. Not that these should minimize the affair, but they hopefully help understand how we do acceptance all the time and may not even know it.
At least that was my experience...Good luck.
I just want my pain to end, I want to be able to think with a clear mind and I can't do that sitting here thinking about this and trying to piece his timeline together. Now that I've gotten most of the truth, I feel at peace and now concentrate on getting healthy and taking care of myself. I'm really hoping no big bombs are going to drop, do you people think I am pathetic b/c I've had d=day three times now? Am I too gullible? Is it wrong to want to believe your husband even though you he could still be lying? That's where the anger comes in, I get yet another lie and I'm mad.
Thanks for your help, nobody said this was going to be easy.
Acceptance might mean processing it for a long time. It doesn't happen all at once. Sometimes we have to think of things many times over for it to sink in and for ourselves to handle it. One bite at a time, it takes time.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”
I do think I get the "acceptance" it's a matter of choice "where" you allow your thoughts to go. When they come in, you can go someplace else and you won't get all worked up. So, I'm going to do that now that I've finally got the entire truth.
That doesn't mean beating anyone up, least of all yourself. (Of course, it could mean hitting a punching bag....) It's knowing that you're angry and know what you're angry about.
Two things have worked well for me:
1) Telling my W 'I'm angry that you did ____.'
2) At our MC's direction, writing by hand for 3-5 minutes at a time 'I'm angry that _____' or 'I'm angry about_____', filling in the blanks as I see fit without censorship.
If I accept than I accept ! And I will never accept what she did to me ever !
^^^ That's how I feel too. WH and I actually agreed, that cheating was never an acceptable option. I still do not think it is, and never will.
The way I think about it,... I have to acknowledge that it has happened but, it remains absolutely unacceptable.
BW~ me 38
CH~ he 39
20 years on 12/12/12
2 kiddos~ 15&18
I know it sounds like IF we "accept" what they did it some how makes it okay, that's NOT what it is. It is NOT forgiveness, it is NOT FORGETTING, it's for you NOT her. That's the same thing about forgiveness, it's NOT for her IT'S FOR YOU.
I've lived MANY years as a victim of incest, victim of rape, victim of alcoholic parents (mom died when I was 16 from it); victim of emotional and physical abuse; I really could go on here. It was when MY son stole my pain medication and became a drug addict and I sought help at Alanon did I really LEARN how damaging being the victim is to a person. It was slowly killing me. I actually made amends to the people that wronged me, when I "let go" of that anger, I guess calling it acceptance, that is when I could breathe. It didn't change those other people's lives one bit, it CHANGED MINE. There is a quote I want to finish with that I'd like you to think about....
They are like taking poison while waiting for that person to die...... think about it..,
I have just come to acceptance recently and I can tell my anger is mostly gone now (I am 20 months from Dday). I still get sad that it happened and I think there will always be a tender spot.
I'm more sad at who my WH became or proved himself to be in his A and post A fog.
Best way I got to acceptance, I focused solely on myself and stopped looking to my WH to heal me. I healed myself and accepted his A the best way I could, on my terms.
[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:39 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]
I can relate to the anger. For me it is a slow process. I have accepted that I will always be angry about it. But I realized there are other things that happened in my past that I will always be angry about. Accepting that has helped me.
Acceptance to me is as been said " to accept someone's death". It's happened and I can't change that.
He also treated me like the enemy for most of our M. His A lasted 18 months with his first love. I guess during the course of this A he realized he didn't love her and she was a mistake. But that pain of him pursuing her in the first place is what gets me so sad. I was dying, I had just been diagnosed AGAIN to have my 4th surgery, my body was tired, I was at my lowest in recorded history and that is when he chose to after another woman.