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sri624 posted 10/9/2013 22:02 PM

you guys...please set me straight...and let me know if you would be annoyed by this too...

i am PISSED tonight. i am so mad i could spit. my h tells me tonight that when he picked up our 2 year old from preschool. he had to pay the 30 for our son to go on a pumpkin patch field trip. he said that he noticed another mom in the waiting area complaining that he costs was too high, and that her son may not be able to go. her son is in my sons class. well, after she left, my h talks to the staff and tells the director that he will anonymously pay for her son to go. he wanted it to be anonymous. i am pissed. i asked him why would he do that. i said that she will most likely figure it out that it was you who paid and wonder why you did that..and that if she is married, her h will too. he said he wanted to help...and be a good christian. that it made him feel good to give anonymously..and that god will bless him.
i said fuck that. he should not be taking our money to help any poor woman. i have been there done that with him when i dealt with all his crap from cheating. he needs to be concerned about what is going on in his own house...and not helping some damsel in distress. that is a huge boundary cross for me. and i told him so. i wrote out for him my list of 10 boundaries when it comes to women, and it is non negotiable. giving another woman money...ever...is one of them.

and it is embarrassing to me, because i am sure that the ladies at the school are wondering why my h is helping this other woman.

i was so pissed. and yelled at him. he said i was blowing it out of proportion and was just trying to help. he reminded me that he did this a few months ago when we saw this poor woman at the gas station with her 4 kids. he bought them all burgers from wendys so they could eat. she was so happy, and thought it was a blessing from god.

fine. that was one thing...i was with him,....but knock it off already.

our history does not allow for that kind of behavior.

i am so pissed at him. we are not speaking.

am i overreacting?

SpiderGrl posted 10/9/2013 22:18 PM

If you are looking at it from he helped the woman, yes you have every right to be pissed.And especially since this is an issue carrying over from his choices, you are absolutely entitled to your feelings. It isn't like you can help the way you feel anyway.

Gently, though, from my point of view, he ultimately only helped the child. What does a parent gain from this donation? A happy child.

And what the hell kind of school charges THIRTY DOLLARS to go to a pumpkin patch??? My DDs class is going and it is only costing them $6 and it is 30 miles away.

I am truly sorry this is such a trigger for you. I think you should stick to your guns about future donations. NO personal donations to a woman in any form unless you are there or at least consulted with. HUGS HUGS hUGS!

Missymomma posted 10/9/2013 22:20 PM

It was a trigger, give yourself a break. Your WH does not recognize that part of his problem is wanting to be a KISA. He needs to recognize this in himself. If he wanted to pay anonymously, he could have left it anonymously with a note. He wanted to get the admiration of the staff. Seriously, he needs to stop looking for external validation this way.

SpiderGrl posted 10/9/2013 22:23 PM

Ooo, I didn't see the KISA angle. Good observation. I am glad this is where I landed.

roses303 posted 10/9/2013 22:25 PM

Normally I wouldn't think this is a big deal. Often schools accept donations from other parents to offset the costs of field trips. I always paid double for trips so if there was a child that didn't have the money to attend they would be able to go. It was about the child, not the parent. It is hard on a kid to be left out when everyone else is going.

In your situation, if you had discussed this type of thing as being a violation of boundaries, then you have every right to be upset. Even if it is not normally bad behavior, if it violates the boundaries you agreed on that is an issue.

HardenMyHeart posted 10/9/2013 22:54 PM

Tying to say this gently, but I believe you are overreacting. It was a generous act of kindness to a child and he immediately told you about it. When someone is honest with you, it's ok to communicate your feelings and concerns, but to turn this into a huge fight will only shutdown the lines of communication in the future.

It's a shame you feel you have to be controlling to get your boundaries met. I do understand why you have them. Perhaps you two can calmly discuss the boundaries again to make things clearer and find a better way to make them work.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:55 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

sri624 posted 10/9/2013 23:07 PM

thanks everyone for the replies. this has not been a boundary that has been discussed in the past. i guess now it is on the table...to discuss.

the way is see it is this when it comes to boundaries. my h has been a lying, cheating, drug taking jerk for a long time. and for years, i put up with it..you know...head in sand...typical doormat wife.

after all that has happend....things didnt really start to turn around in my m until i set some firm boundaries that were just simply non negotiable. he didnt have to agree to them...he could leave....but in order for me to be safe after him cheating like that...they were firm and caste in stone.

this is somthing that we do need to talk about calmly. but my boundary on this issue is that i dont want my h giving any money to any woman period. i understand about him doing it for the child. i get that. but i have dealt with too much BS about him "just being nice" when really it was about some cheating, lying, or the seed being planted for something foul. btdt.

i remember one time...during our false r...i found an email of him talking to a woman about how he was trying his best to help find a good contractor to help build a sandbox for some high risks children. they both worked with kids. he went out of his way in this email. i asked him and her about the nature of the relationship being a paranoid wife....they both told me that their relationship was platonic...how they worked with high risk kids...and my h was helping her out and the program. turns out 9 months later i find a text sent to her at 4am that said..."emotionally, you cant handle this dick that deep."

so, i guess that is why i am very sensitive to him "helping" any woman...kid or not. btdt.

i guess what i have to do here is discuss the boundary since it hasnt been discussed. and move on from there. at least then, he will know exactly where i am coming from.

when you have been cheated on like that...boundaries and expectations for me are a requirement.

i am going to calm down though...and have a conversation with him when i am not so pissed.

it was a trigger. a reminder of what he did in the past.

Dreamland posted 10/9/2013 23:33 PM

Yes I would be fumin!!!🔥🔥🔥
My WH loves freaking damsels in distress. I hate women that play that role but hate my WH more for falling for the sob story.

Now this might not have been the case here she was probably making a scene to get the point of the outrageous cost of the trip...
But yes big trigger for me as this is how OW hooked WH in... Poor me poor me..I wanted to kick her face in..

standinghere posted 10/10/2013 04:44 AM

Agree, KISA behavior.

My wife and I did this for our kids grade school classes.

But, we did it quietly, it was not for a child, but was for any child, and there was to be no talk about it, no thanks, no recognition, no association with our names.

If the school broke that, then we'd not do it again.

It worked. Nobody ever mentioned it to me.