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plainpain posted 10/9/2013 22:10 PM

Five months post D-day.. it feels like 30 years. The last 20 years of my life have been erased. My husband wants me to remember all the good memories we had before his A, and I just can't salvage anything. It was all a lie. He was not who I thought I was married to... not even close.

I get so sad thinking about our honeymoon, or our first date, or our first Christmas. I remember all the times he swore he would never hurt me. I remember how he told me that he would rather be dead than betray me. I remember how he told me I was his best friend, his soul mate, how he couldn't imagine life without me.

He is hurt that I can't keep any of the memories of our 'old life'... I just want to say to him, 'How much did those memories mean to you when you were f**king another woman?' Not much. So why should they mean anything to me now?

The pain is so unbelievably bad. I love him and I hate him. Nothing makes the pain go away.

He has been beyond repentant, he has been there for me in every way. He sold his business and has been home with me every day for the last five months to help us through this. We moved to a new city, so that the triggers would be gone. But the triggers aren't gone. Every expression of his face triggers me lately. Every time he makes me laugh, I think, 'Did he make her laugh like this?'

I'm still waiting to find out if she's pregnant - since we moved I have no way of finding out. The not knowing is absolutely killing me.

Oh my God, how does someone even do something so horrific to another person? I feel like a part of me has been murdered. For what. For nothing. She doesn't even matter to him, that's how much of a nothing it was for.

iwillNOT posted 10/10/2013 00:01 AM

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. You did not deserve this. What he did stole your past from you, among other things...

(((plain pain)))

My WH and I were talking about this today, and he told me that all those good times in our past were real, he was the same person who loved me always.

I said, you knew who you were all along. Me, I just found out who you really are.

I hope you find your way to some peace.

LearningToFly posted 10/10/2013 01:53 AM

I totally relate to your questioning if anything you ever shared was real. Its been between 5 and 7 months for me too. It took that long to get the secret email account they shared and read through it. He says he was wrong in cheating on me but he blames it on the "environment in our home." We were under a lot of stress with teenagers self destructing, my health issues, and grief. For some reason, he expected me to smile through it all and be as sweet and gentle as I was when we got married. He wanted to have fun and pretend everything was great. I was left with the hard work of dealing with it alone. He abandoned me before he even began to cheat. I was pretty angry and didn't hide it. He still doesn't see any responsibility in that and I doubt he ever will. If I were a stronger person, I would leave. The man I fell in love with and married 28 years ago doesn't exist. I question if he ever did.

Your WH sounds more emotionally in-tune and repentant than mine. Five months is still not very long. Many on this board say it can take 2 years or more to recover from this. Worrying about a child coming from this affair would be so overwhelming. How will you find out if she is pregnant? Is that a real possibility? Does she have a FB that you could check? Are there people who know her and know you? A child would add another layer to what your WH did and complicate your lives forever. If you were assured that there is no child, would that help you move forward? I hope you can find closure soon.

Thefly559 posted 10/10/2013 05:56 AM

I know exactly how you feel all too well. I am in divorce and my stbxww had no remorse at all. It has been 7 months since D day and I can guarantee you the pain lessens with time. I really cannot give any advice on if you stay together , I just know how hard it would be for me too so I do understand . Sometimes the no remorse is better because you don't have to forgive and be triggered forever. I think if you are committing to remain in the marraige you have a long battle with yourself. Let him work ,let him show his remorse and do what you need to heal. Take care of you! Physically and mentally which work hand and hand. I am sorry for your pain and I wish you the best . I don't think I could do what you are even if I had the chance. Infidelity is a deal breaker for me. Good luck , stay strong

Dallas2 posted 10/10/2013 07:55 AM

Iam so sorry that you find yourself in this awful place but here on SI is the best place to for support.

I still wonder that myself. However and it takes times, I have to remind myself for me those were real memories. I work very hard to keep them not tainted. I do find myself looking back to pre-A memeroies, before he cheated and can still smile. I beleive they were real to him too! What is harder is to look at the ones between his A and DD. The new ones are becoming better. Out first year of memory making days are a blur. I only can remember bits and pieces. I myself think this is self presevation.

You have so much more on your plate and wondering if OW is Pregnant could be your biggest tigger of all. I will hope and P she is not.

When a WS is in the A I still don't know what they are thinking. I just know whatever it is is like an anlien in their head. Many are appalled at their behavior after the fact. Sounds like your FWH is coming out of the fog and getting it. That is always helpful.


lost1127 posted 11/15/2013 03:14 AM

Plainpain: I'm right there with you. Five months yesterday since I found out, husband supportive, claims he wants to be with me, doesn't want OW, etc. and I'm still so incredibly hurt, angry, confused, depressed, so so so unhappy everyday. In my case, husband claims no sex, but who can believe him? I flipped OUT when he began admitting a mere "crush" on this skank -- I don't think he'd ever want me to know if they did have sex.

I could go on (just joined, haven't told "my story" yet) but just wanted you to know I feel your pain and you are not alone.

Laura28 posted 11/15/2013 03:24 AM

BIG HUGS honey


Nailinmyforehead posted 11/15/2013 05:01 AM

Plain, I feel for you. I went through a real rough patch with my FWW about this very issue. Like your spouse, mine has done all the right things. I looked at family pics and journal entries and such and thought it was all a lie. Lots of tears and apologies and here is what I came to that once I accepted, gave me some relief. We had a good marriage. Look at the whole body of work. My wife had a 3 year A out of a 17 year marriage and looking now- she was a good wife. She was a good person that just lost her way for a bit. She did love me and our kids during the A. What we had WAS real. Those things did happen. She was "happy" in those pics. It sucks to know someone can hurt us so badly and still smile in those pictures. My FWW is human, and F*d up. Badly. It is not an excuse or a free pass, but if I look at the whole body of work and not just the A, she was a good wife. We are sitting at a year out, and I know the feelings you are having. It does get better. Promise.

doggiediva posted 11/15/2013 10:04 AM

I saw the link to this article in another blog..

This essay/article explains very well what we are feeling.. It is one very articulate person's opinion on why our path for recovery ( as the betrayed) is somewhat different from a repentant betrayers path to recovery..


Charity411 posted 11/15/2013 10:36 AM

Plain Pain, I completely agree with Nail. And in my case I got divorced. Either way he is right. Look at the totality of the thing that is your marriage. If you allow the affair to simply erase everything that was good, you are giving it too much power. And in doing so you are giving the OW too much power.

I got to do things and live in places and see things that I would never have been able to do had it not been for marrying my ex-husband. And we had some very good times. I now often share stories about those moments with my daughter who is now a wife and mother herself. Because those moments did exist. They do not get erased. And I did not get erased, even if it felt that way for a time.

It gets better. It really does. If I learned anything positive from going through it myself, it was that my identity, my existence and my happiness should never be tied completely to another human being. I can be happy with them, but not because of them.

staystrong101 posted 11/15/2013 10:38 AM

I can relate to your post. This weekend is 6 mos since DDay for me. My WH wanted me to stay with him. I think it was for appearances though, not because he really loves me and wants to work on our marriage. He said OW (4 1/2 year A) never meant anything to him, but he was addicted to the risk. He also had 2 other OW he was texting for about a year. He said all men do this, and it had nothing to do with me or our family. So he felt no guilt! It's so unbelievably painful at times. I filed for D. I have at least some dignity left and I cannot stay with someone who would betray me like this. It seems like our whole marriage, 23 years, has been a lie. I was so busy, working and raising our 4 kids mostly by myself. He went out all the time, and left me to take care of the kids on my own. I'm sorry you are also having this pain. We need to take care of ourselves and get through this one day at a time.

anewday78 posted 11/15/2013 12:31 PM

Don't let what he's done tarnish the beautiful memories you've made. Those events were real - you smiled, laughed, and felt a great sense of joy during those times - this mess does not change that and it cannot tarnish those shiny memories nor eclipse the their bright lights.

Last year around this time, I was ending a close 20+ year friendship with my friend who betrayed me (nothing related to infidelity or the reason I'm here in this forum). There was a ton of lies, hurt, and even theft involved and it really rocked me to the core. For a few months afterwards, I was so angry at my friend and felt like I'd never known him at all. How could he do this to me? I thought we were best friends - like brothers. I felt like all those memories of the good and fun times were ruined because they were made with somebody who was never truly my friend. Then one day recently I realized that those memories are the one thing he can't take from me - no matter if he was posing as somebody else at the time or not. I experienced joy and happiness during those times and I will carry that joy and those memories with me for as long as I'm alive - it's already shaped who I am as a person and that can't be undone by his actions. Adopting that attitude made it easier for me to make peace with the whole situation because it helped me realize that only I can determine my happiness and the direction in which I take my life. Nobody else can define me by neither their actions nor the manner in which they've defined themselves.
You played a role in making all of your memories. Sure, it's possible that he was just along for the ride, but that doesn't change the fact that those are YOUR memories - you own them and you shouldn't let anybody take them away from you with their poor actions, up to and including your husband. Your focus shouldn't be on whether or not past memories carry any validity, it should be on whether or not you choose to make more memories with him moving forward. That's how you reclaim ownership over your happiness and your destiny, so that in the end you can look back without regrets.

I'm sorry you're in pain right now. Focus on your feelings and reconnecting with your inner voice. You just need to listen to your higher-self to move through the pain and confusion - you have the answers deep inside.

iwillNOT posted 11/15/2013 21:41 PM

I feel the exact same way lately. I keep thinking, how easily he paid the price for cheating. The price, his currency, was the chance of causing me pain, risking my health, our marriage, the chance of putting our kids in jeopardy.all for some stupid slut to tell him how fabulous he was, and f*ck him in our car. Who does that? No one I thought I was married to.

I know that feeling, like your past as all been tainted,, and you are living with an evil doppelgänger instead of the husband you married. It's so wrong, that you are paying the price for his actions. I'm so sorry you have to be in this place.

(((plain pain)))

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