I get so sad thinking about our honeymoon, or our first date, or our first Christmas. I remember all the times he swore he would never hurt me. I remember how he told me that he would rather be dead than betray me. I remember how he told me I was his best friend, his soul mate, how he couldn't imagine life without me.
He is hurt that I can't keep any of the memories of our 'old life'... I just want to say to him, 'How much did those memories mean to you when you were f**king another woman?' Not much. So why should they mean anything to me now?
The pain is so unbelievably bad. I love him and I hate him. Nothing makes the pain go away.
He has been beyond repentant, he has been there for me in every way. He sold his business and has been home with me every day for the last five months to help us through this. We moved to a new city, so that the triggers would be gone. But the triggers aren't gone. Every expression of his face triggers me lately. Every time he makes me laugh, I think, 'Did he make her laugh like this?'
I'm still waiting to find out if she's pregnant - since we moved I have no way of finding out. The not knowing is absolutely killing me.
Oh my God, how does someone even do something so horrific to another person? I feel like a part of me has been murdered. For what. For nothing. She doesn't even matter to him, that's how much of a nothing it was for.
My WH and I were talking about this today, and he told me that all those good times in our past were real, he was the same person who loved me always.
I said, you knew who you were all along. Me, I just found out who you really are.
I hope you find your way to some peace.
Your WH sounds more emotionally in-tune and repentant than mine. Five months is still not very long. Many on this board say it can take 2 years or more to recover from this. Worrying about a child coming from this affair would be so overwhelming. How will you find out if she is pregnant? Is that a real possibility? Does she have a FB that you could check? Are there people who know her and know you? A child would add another layer to what your WH did and complicate your lives forever. If you were assured that there is no child, would that help you move forward? I hope you can find closure soon.
I still wonder that myself. However and it takes times, I have to remind myself for me those were real memories. I work very hard to keep them not tainted. I do find myself looking back to pre-A memeroies, before he cheated and can still smile. I beleive they were real to him too! What is harder is to look at the ones between his A and DD. The new ones are becoming better. Out first year of memory making days are a blur. I only can remember bits and pieces. I myself think this is self presevation.
You have so much more on your plate and wondering if OW is Pregnant could be your biggest tigger of all. I will hope and P she is not.
When a WS is in the A I still don't know what they are thinking. I just know whatever it is is like an anlien in their head. Many are appalled at their behavior after the fact. Sounds like your FWH is coming out of the fog and getting it. That is always helpful.
I could go on (just joined, haven't told "my story" yet) but just wanted you to know I feel your pain and you are not alone.
This essay/article explains very well what we are feeling.. It is one very articulate person's opinion on why our path for recovery ( as the betrayed) is somewhat different from a repentant betrayers path to recovery..
I got to do things and live in places and see things that I would never have been able to do had it not been for marrying my ex-husband. And we had some very good times. I now often share stories about those moments with my daughter who is now a wife and mother herself. Because those moments did exist. They do not get erased. And I did not get erased, even if it felt that way for a time.
It gets better. It really does. If I learned anything positive from going through it myself, it was that my identity, my existence and my happiness should never be tied completely to another human being. I can be happy with them, but not because of them.
Last year around this time, I was ending a close 20+ year friendship with my friend who betrayed me (nothing related to infidelity or the reason I'm here in this forum). There was a ton of lies, hurt, and even theft involved and it really rocked me to the core. For a few months afterwards, I was so angry at my friend and felt like I'd never known him at all. How could he do this to me? I thought we were best friends - like brothers. I felt like all those memories of the good and fun times were ruined because they were made with somebody who was never truly my friend. Then one day recently I realized that those memories are the one thing he can't take from me - no matter if he was posing as somebody else at the time or not. I experienced joy and happiness during those times and I will carry that joy and those memories with me for as long as I'm alive - it's already shaped who I am as a person and that can't be undone by his actions. Adopting that attitude made it easier for me to make peace with the whole situation because it helped me realize that only I can determine my happiness and the direction in which I take my life. Nobody else can define me by neither their actions nor the manner in which they've defined themselves.
You played a role in making all of your memories. Sure, it's possible that he was just along for the ride, but that doesn't change the fact that those are YOUR memories - you own them and you shouldn't let anybody take them away from you with their poor actions, up to and including your husband. Your focus shouldn't be on whether or not past memories carry any validity, it should be on whether or not you choose to make more memories with him moving forward. That's how you reclaim ownership over your happiness and your destiny, so that in the end you can look back without regrets.
I'm sorry you're in pain right now. Focus on your feelings and reconnecting with your inner voice. You just need to listen to your higher-self to move through the pain and confusion - you have the answers deep inside.
I know that feeling, like your past as all been tainted,, and you are living with an evil doppelgänger instead of the husband you married. It's so wrong, that you are paying the price for his actions. I'm so sorry you have to be in this place.