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Dreaming of my XW

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Cake posted 10/10/2013 00:14 AM

Hi it has been a while since I last posted or even visited SI but it is where I turn when I have a problem or issue, there has always been someone who unfortunately has been there before but can give good advice. Quick summary XW had cheated on me I found out tried to reconcile but could not manage it. We separated are now divorced. We have 3 girls now 17 15 11. The oldest girl lives with me full time has not spoken to her mum in 8 months. We are now divorced. I have meet someone new and they are great with me and very patient with my children. We have been together nearly a year and half and are talking about buying a house together. Here is the problem I am worried what happens if this does not work out? Am I on the rebound? I still dream about by XW. Is this because I am healing and am getting over the hurt or because I still love her and have feelings for her? I then feel guilty and this also worries me about my current relationship? Any advice similar experiences?

SBB posted 10/10/2013 05:06 AM

Dreaming of Xs doesn't mean we miss them. They were a big part of our daily lives for a long time.

I'd say the fears you expressed here are probably what is triggering the dreams rather than the other way around.

Everyone's timeline is different. My DD was in Feb 12 and I can see myself making the same mistakes if I jump into anything too soon. I'm thinking my timeline for grieving/healing will be 2-5 years - who knows how long after that I'll find someone I think I might like to take risk on.

If things are feeling like they are going too fast for you its OK to put on the brakes if you want to.

SeanFLA posted 10/10/2013 08:13 AM

Mine was several years ago (we are divorced) and even last night I had a bad dream about her. I think it lasts a long time especially if you were in a long term marriage. If I'm understanding your post, you are considering buying a home with SO? You've been together less than a year and looking to take a huge financial plunge with her? I guess my question is what's the rush? I have zero desire to jump into that kind of financial commitment with someone when I've only gotten past all the mess and starting anew. I'm sorry but really wonder about folks on here that have such a traumatic experience in their marriages, but are so quickly willing to jump full steam into that kind of commitment again when they are questioning it internally. If you are questioning it then possibly it really isn't a great idea right now. Instead just concentrate on your kids as they need you most right now.

Cake posted 10/10/2013 08:17 AM

Hi Strong but Broken, thanks for that I was reading up on dreams and it seems to be saying similar things to your points. I had 27 years and 3 daughters with my XW that is all I really know. Now as I move on and deal with issues my mind may revert back to previous situations?? Also maybe it is a sign of healing that my mind is less full of hurt and anger. I find it hard to imagine being able to look back with fondness on those years. I am finding it strange moving from anger and hurt to forgiveness. Forgiving is not forgetting but with out the anger and hurt you wonder what happened and why it went wrong? Does that make any sense ??

SBB posted 10/10/2013 09:29 AM

^^I'd say that is exactly it and I completely understand what you are saying about forgiveness.

I like Madam Google's description of forgive:
To stop feeling angry o resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

My other favourite is the one about 'holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die'.

I'm not quite there myself.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 9:32 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]

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