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Should I give him this letter

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megs56 posted 10/10/2013 00:21 AM

I am thinking about giving my boyfriend the letter from the healing library about infidelity. This is the link to it:

I changed it a bit to match our situation, but it's basically the same content.

Just to give some background - My boyfriend had an EA, sexting and making plans with another woman to have sex with her, flirting with other woman through texts and Facebook, sending naked pics, and was on adultfriendfinder and sites like that messaging women. There were 6 weeks between the 1st DDay and the 4th. And lies the whole time. Anyways, other than saying he just won't do it again he hasn't in the 2 months since the last DDay done much to show remorse and willingness to change. He finally very reluctantly agreed to coupes counseling this week though. So that's some progress.

I want to send him the letter because it literally says what I've been trying to tell him and what I want him to understand. I think it's also good because it shows hope of a reconciliation, but only if you put in the work. I've been trying to tell him a lot of the things the letter says, but I don't think he hears me when I say it, especially if we are in an emotional conversation. I think it would be good for him to read.

What are other peoples thoughts on this? Is it a good idea? Or should I hold off since he finally agreed to counseling? I'd really appreciate anyone's input. I'm very new at all of this and lost and unsure of what the right actions are sometimes. Thanks.

AFrayedKnot posted 10/10/2013 06:29 AM

Sure give it to him. Anything that help to break the fog. I'm not talking about the fog of how great the OW was. But about minimized the harm of the A was. Before during and after an A, the mind of most WS's need to minimize, justify, rationalize, compartmentalize their actions so that they can continue hurt others for their own personal gain.

Even after discovery and confrontation, the self-lies of the WS protect them from the enormity of what they did. To reach a point of true remorse those blinders have to come off!!!

For my fWS, she needed to come here and read letters like that. Read the pain of others. Read NJF. Read After the Affair. Read How to Help My Spouse Heal. Read all of it to have that "Holy Shit Look What I Have Done" moment.

SerJR posted 10/10/2013 06:40 AM

Maybe it might have more effect for you to read your letter to him, face-to-face.
That way, if he is willing, he will listen and see it coming from you - not something so easily disregarded. And you may find it liberating to say what you have been struggling to find the words for.
Just don't expect him to change because of it - he will only change if he truly wants to. But if he is remorseful, this will help explain where you are coming from and the impact of his actions.

confused615 posted 10/10/2013 06:56 AM

I unless he already knows you're on SI..I would keep SI to yourself for now. He doesn't sound too remorseful,and you need a safe place.

solus sto posted 10/10/2013 07:27 AM

My take is a bit different. If he is not showing remorse, I would not give (or read) him the letter.

Until he's really committed to R, putting yourself on the line any more than you already are is, IMO, emotionally dangerous.

In your shoes, I'd contemplate the 180, and save the discussions for how you feel until he's shown he's worthy of being permitted an audience to your thoughts and feelings. He does not deserve access when you are vulnerable and he is not yet remorseful---and giving it to him may prove harmful to you.

(This comes from a woman whose husband never really "got it." And who did, in fact, try---on countless occasions--to GET him to "get it." It can't be done. He will get it, or he won't--and there's very little you can do other than take care of yourself. And that, of course, is of utmost importance, because he cannot be counted on to do that right now. As hard as it is, sit back and watch his actions. They will tell you all you need to know about his readiness and willingness to do the hard work necessary to R.)

megs56 posted 10/10/2013 15:12 PM

Thank you for all of your responses!

I think I am going to give it to him. I know it won't make him change and it won't make him "get it". But I do want to let him know how I feel. And that letter explains a lot of things that I have tried to tell him, but he has not heard since it was during an emotional conversation. Giving it to him is mostly for me I guess. I think I will feel better after I give it to him (or read it to him - that's a good idea).

My boyfriend knows I am on a support forum, but does not know anything about it and does not know it is SI. He wouldn't go looking trying to figure out which one I am on either. That would be way too much work for him.

Solus - I totally get what you are saying and I appreciate your response. He "seems" to be committed to R now. He bought some books and is going to couples counseling with me next week. But I might wait to give it to him until I really feel like he is committed to R. I know I can't make him get it. He won't get it unless he wants to. And I will definitely focus on taking care of myself! :)

megs56 posted 10/15/2013 15:19 PM

I wanted to update everyone after I gave my boyfriend the letter. It went over really well. I didn't read it to him, I gave it to him to read without me there. He told me later that the way I gave it to him was the best because he was able to really take it in and process it (I felt knowing him pretty well that for him that was the best way to do it. I can see a lot of advantages to reading it to the WS though). He said he needed to read that letter and things have been a lot better since.

So thank you for all of your advice! I really appreciated it! :)

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