I sent him a text asking what was bothering him earlier and he said nothing. I pushed some more and he said nothing. I got upset and said I was trying to communicate and if he's upset with me, I should know.
I hear ya. You know him very well, and you can tell when he's not feeling happy. We can't read our spouses' minds. I think you did the right thing to ask him to communicate with you about what's upsetting him.
He said he was upset about the guy saying you're beautiful online? Is he upset at the guy for it, or upset at you for it? Could it be that the guy's behavior upsets him because it crosses boundaries for him? Was there something that happened recently where you and your H saw someone who had a crush on you at an event?
It might seem hypocritical for him to be upset about it, since he did more than "cross boundaries". Maybe it's a good thing that it upsets him now, though, because it indicates that he's practicing better boundaries now. What can you guys do next that will help keep those improved boundaries? Would it help to block the people who make you two feel uncomfortable?
ETA: reread. Your H saw the messages via his phone, not because you came to him? I can imagine that must have made him uncomfortable.
[This message edited by silverhopes at 3:37 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]
[This message edited by rachelc at 7:11 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”
After d-day, my WH was triggered by any male attention I got because he didn't totally get it yet. I am not going to cheat. I have rock solid boundaries and a healthy sense of self. I value my integrity. I have positive coping skills to deal with his A. I'm going to go to IC, go for a run, snuggle our kids, volunteer, come to SI. Bending my boundaries with men is not an option.
In a case like this the WS could legitimately worry that the the marriage won't make it, but they should not be worrying that the BS will betray them.
Healthy people don't lie and cheat and break vows just because it was done to them, or just because R is hard, or just because of a Fakebook compliment.
Can you help your H understand this? I also think you guys should talk about how you're going to handle male compliments in the future. I would recommend no response to anonymous strangers. If it happens in person, I would say, "You remember how I'm happily married, right?" But it's very unlikely to happen in person if you make it a rule not to be alone with other men and not to flirt or drink with other men.
They have a very low opinion of themselves, and doubt why you would stay. I remeber this clearly. My H was breaking NC, and keeping OW as a back up plan, just in case I realized that I could do much better.. Really he said that, and believed it. He couldn't believe I would give him a chance to redeem himself.
I mean, what kind of guy sends comments like that to women he doesn't know? Why did he do it? What does he want?
Why didn't you see his message as an intrusion and treat it as such? Where's your instinct for self-defense?
I really like women. I'd love to go up to women I see and pass out compliments, but I just don't see how that can be done cleanly, unless I know them. And even then I'd hesitate to say '...you're beautiful.' That's got too many possible meanings, and most of the meanings I can think of have to do with getting the woman into bed.
Again, where's your instinct for protecting yourself?
Of course, I could be behind the times....
[This message edited by sisoon at 11:35 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]
Facebook is a place where we can represent ourselves any way we want to be seen. If you have lots of pics of you looking lovely, glamming for the camera, or looking seductive, then you are going to get that kind of attention. So, is your page, maybe even subconsciously, set up so that a person just browsing through would be likely to make such comments?
As a contrast, my FB page is largely of pics of my family, my kid, and scenes where we've been. Someone would have to really look hard to find pics of me mugging for the camera. And truthfully, I am not unattractive, but in all the years I've been on facebook, I've not gotten a single, unsolicited compliment. So, you may want to ask yourself what message might you be inadvertently sending out to the world with your page. Pics of folks partying and drinking, etc. are a red flag, too. You, of course, have the right to send any message you want, but you should be self-aware about it.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:08 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]